America, you're trying too hard.
I know the rest of the World says we work too hard, we don't relax enough. We eat faster meals, work longer hours, and vacation less than virtually every other developed country in the World.
So with that in mind, why on Earth is it so difficult to give your children normal names?
Why don't you work harder at that?
Maybe you're trying too hard...
Why am I writing about this, you ask? Government offices are the one place nearly every single person in a given geographical area has to visit over a specified time period. For example, in Michigan, driver licenses (yes, they're called DRIVER licenses, not DRIVER'S licenses, more about that in another post) and state-issued ID cards are renewed every 4 years; everybody needs state-issued ID to cash checks, buy liquor or cigarettes, buy car insurance, etc. so Voila -- every one of you reading this, if you live in Michigan will most likely be in one of my Department's offices in the not-too-distant future...
Meaning, of course, I and my employees get to see every name out there.
On first examination of the question, you might think I'm talking about the truly outlandish names that people seem to 'invent' -- Picabo, for instance, or Sunbeam. Or people named after U.S. states.
These can be bad (and I could publish one entire post listing my favorites, very possibly getting myself fired.) But they aren't what I usually find as the most offensive, and for 2 good reasons.
For one thing, there's always the possibility that the risk may pay off in the reward; how cool would it be the kid in class named 'California' Jones? Or 'Arizona' Jackson? (Dude, I knew that kid -- he was awesome, every chick wanted him...) Of course there's big-time risk in this territory, too; a kid named Oregon ain't ever making it as President, folks, and who'd hire a lawyer named Connecticut? But still...I guess I have a certain respect for the bravery here; Dakota, after all, took some time to come into fashion, but once it caught on it took off like wildfire.
Second, a kid that gets a truly crappy made-up name will realize it after he hits his teenage years. And 2 questions will come up; a) why'd my parents give me this crappy name? and b) how do I change my name? And getting a name legally changed isn't rocket science, and for the long-term payoff it isn't even that expensive (about $200 in Michigan, if you're wondering.)
So setting all this aside, what names do I really hate?
What I shake my head at in disbelief is someone with a name like Jiahn (this one specifically, I've created for this blog -- no real names here, no chance of getting me fired.) You couldn't just spell the name JOHN -- that would be too normal, not dramatic enough, no flair. Which means that little Johnny --sorry, JIAHNNY -- will get to spend the rest of his life working at Starbucks with an illegible name tag, some very confused customers (is he foreign? does he speak English as his first language?) and an irate manager who's first impression of him was less than super.
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