"Little Timmy Fell Down the Well..."

…is what I write on the electronic signature pad as I’m buying groceries at Meijer, and the resulting piece of abstract art looks as much like my signature as if I’d actually tried to write my name. Meijer has many innovations; a way to capture a decent signature electronically, however, is still elusive, which is surprising. The store management has updated the checkout aisles several times over the last ten years or so, and each time I’m pleasantly surprised with what they come up with – first self checkout, then even faster self checkout…

But still no change in the signature pad…

Anyway, with the fourth of July recently passed, it’s post-holiday time again, and that of course usually means rock-bottom prices on holiday stuff. But this time, Meijer disappoints. I’m not actually looking to buy anything with the red, white and blue holiday motif (my family’s waiting for me in the car as I shop) but I notice there isn’t anything of substance marked down in the main aisles even if I were looking to buy, and that’s surprising. Am I too late? It’s only July 9th…but did I miss it? Have masses of humanity already picked the best merchandise clean before I arrived?

But no. Later in the shopping trip, there they are, the sparklers, Pop-Its (patent pending), and larger packages of fireworks, the ones that every boy knows are the only ones that really matter…IF you were going to buy your 4th of July fireworks at a grocery store.

In Michigan, where anything that a 12 year old would actually think was of a certain ‘coolness’ factor is deemed illegal, you can’t really get the good stuff, the ones that make the really big bangs, the stuff that shoots through the air like, well, a 4th of July rocket should…so you can only hope for an older brother or a generous uncle who’s willing to spend the time (and money) to drive over the southern border and bring back a load of contraband from Indiana where people REALLY know what the 4th of July is about.

If people who sneak illegal immigrants over the Mexican border into the United States are called coyotes, then perhaps we need a nickname for someone who sneaks fireworks into Michigan…”wolverine” would work, but somehow that animal has become too synonymous with the University of Michigan to use it for anything else. Something other than an animal name, perhaps?

Hmmm…

But I’m off topic. Meijer has their version of fireworks, in the large, cellophane-wrapped packages with the multi-colored cardboard backing, but they aren’t marked down yet.

Disappointing.

Again, not that I actually would have bought anything (they never mark fireworks 90% off) but I’m just surprised. Not even a measly 25% discount, nothing.

But I do notice something else.

When I was growing up, a store like Meijer would have maybe 3 or 4 really huge packages of fireworks, the ones that cost like fifty or sixty dollars, and you looked at that package that was as tall as you were, with its pink and orange and green mini-packages inside the giant package, tiny cardboard tubes and boxes with names that any 12-year old boy couldn’t help but admire – things with names like ‘Snapdragon’ or ‘Roman Glory’ – and you knew that only handful of kids in the entire county were going to get to watch those go off on July 4th.

But now, I’m looking at a cardboard display filled to the top with these things.

What gives, I’m wondering?

And what’s more, the prices are actually LESS than they were when I was growing up. You’d now be hard pressed to find a package of fireworks in Meijer for much more than fifty dollars or so. The cardboard package has a pre-printed price in the upper corner that shows the retail price…but then in small letters next to it, it shows the word ‘value’ – as in “$90.00 value” – and then an arrow points to the actual price, which is fifty percent less!!!

How is this possible?

But here’s the thing. We’re still not buying them. I’m forty years old, and if I wanted to, I could pick up any one of those packages, throw it in the grocery cart, and be the envy of every boy in the store who might be watching. So why don’t I?

I’m not sure if it’s the un-coolness of Meijer fireworks – after all, something called a ‘Showering Dragon’ isn’t actually going to do anything other than sit on the ground and shoot sparks three feet into the air…no matter what name you give it.

Or perhaps it’s that I’ve seen how much better Indiana fireworks are.

Or maybe it’s just that my values have changed, and watching things explode once a year isn’t all that important to me. Whatever the case, I’m realizing that we’re not grasping the opportunity we have to be heroes in the eyes of our children, and maybe that’s not all bad.

After all, if we DID come home with m-80’s and mini-cardboard cannons that shoot rockets three hundred feet high, we might not have any hands to grasp WITH and our kids wouldn’t have eyes to see us at all, let alone seeing us as heroes…

Hmmm….