Love/Hate: Why do they stay???

I was having breakfast with a friend recently and he asked me this question -- which became a potential book idea.

There are thousands of books and blog posts about why people are leaving the Church.  So a competing and relevant question is this...for those who choose to stay, who hate the church they're in...why do they stick around?

First, a couple clarifications.  By "church" we were referring to a local church congregation, rather than the capital "C" CHURCH...which is to say, instead of leaving a congregation and attending elsewhere, they're choosing -- for whatever reason -- to continue attending the same church, even though they're hating the experience.

Second, a word about the word "hating".  What we meant in the text of the conversation is this:  if the church you're attending is making you miserable, why stick around?

Those of a certain generation -- say, aged 40 and over -- would probably point out that worship "isn't about you...it's about God".  I would counter with this:  if the experience you're having attending a church isn't good for your health, then it isn't about God.

Yet this seems to be exactly what's happened for many people attending churches in America...at least, for those who attend Christian churches.  What do I mean by this? What do I mean by a church not being good for your health? 

Simply that the experience has become continuously negative -- for a number of possible reasons. 

Our conversation didn't focus much on what those reasons were, in part because as evangelicals (that word should probably be capitalized???) we were both keenly aware of how things sometimes "break bad" in churches.  For the record, my friend previously attended the church I'm still attending, so we have that common experience to some degree.  But to clarify, the types of things that often go bad in churches always center around our experience with humans as we try to live WITH each other but WITHOUT existing in conflict.

It isn't easy.  It never is.  Any relationship worth having involves work.  Consider marriage.  You enter into that relationship with all kinds of expectations for what it will be like.  And life couldn't possibly mirror perfectly what you were hoping would happen.

So multiply that conflict by a thousand and you have the experience of attending "God's house." (cringe)

The conversation was close to 2 hours long and I can't recap all of it in 1 post.  But I do need to include 1 item we talked about.

It would seem to me that if you're joining any organization, whether it's a private company or government entity, or a church - there should be certain non-negotiables before you join that institution.  Here's what I mean:  there's a list of deal breakers...and if those things, those rules aren't adhered to, everything should end.  You need to get out.

For example, if you join a company and the company treats its employees badly -- to the point the stress isn't good for employee health and is creating an atmosphere that's slowly destroying people -- you should do everything you can to leave, right?

And can't the same be said for churches?  SHOULDN'T the same be said?  If a church is treating employees badly, someone needs to say something, right?  (Think of the perpetual burnout that pastors allow themselves to be exposed to.) 

 This was significant part of our conversation and it's ongoing.  It's kept me thinking...under what circumstances do I need to leave?

More to come...