ShoutOut Workshop

"I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state appointed
psychiatrist is our 'friend.' " --Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey


News and Notes, to people around our Community and the World:

--To David Mullany of Fairfield, Connecticutt, inventor of the Wiffle Ball: To you, we say cheers! Every spring, grocery stores get in stock a couple of cardboard boxes full of those plastic bat/ball sets, and I remember how much fun it was as a kid to swing away with those things. And because, by the time I was in high school, I pretended I was like an Incredible Hulk type guy when I'd use it on my brother...

--To the guy in the bank who drives the Audi and who wears the blue-tooth headset: What to say? Where do I start? We all get it -- you can talk on the phone without using your hands. Good for you. (I do this at home all the time, by the way - it's called a speakerphone and I don't look like an idiot when I do it.) Also, 1999 called and needs its technology back. Seriously, how much does that thing weigh? I've seen the newer, sleeker ones that are FAR less noticeable, so I do know they're out there. And one more thing: RETRO doesn't always mean COOL.

--To the guy we saw in the mall in Grand Rapids: I find it hard to believe you can't afford a shirt of some sort to wear under that amazing leather biker vest you own with the patches, so rather than offering a donation to the cause "Covering the Hairy Guy" I'll instead comment on the fact that I've never seen someone with such astoundingly impressive areolas. That's not a compliment. Seriously. Cover those things up -- they're like five inches wide. Nobody wants to see you jingle-jangle-jingle, shaking those things around like a set of sow's teats at a Kansas State Fair. 'Nuf said.

--To the cop who gave my wife a speeding ticket this week for five over: You're the same cop who gave a friend of ours a ticket for not having the proper insurance certificate in her vehicle. Not because she didn't have a current copy, but because she VOLUNTARILY spoke up without being asked and said actually the one in the vehicle wasn't the correct copy, she'd made an insurance policy change and had forgotten to put the UPDATED copy in the car. So you ticketed her for THAT. Seriously, how honest and trustworthy do you have to be in this jurisdiction to actually get drawn and quartered, anyway? By the way, I'll make sure we'll send in our donation to the Policeman's Retirement Fund pronto. We'll get right on that.

--To the guy who keeps jogging by my house and leaving his t-shirt in my driveway: You know who you are. We've got enough dirty laundry around our house already, thank you, so I'd really appreciate it if you could just keep your clothing on your body. Again, SERIOUSLY, do you have such a hard time figuring out what the weather is going to be a mile and a half away from your house that, what, soon you'll be leaving the house to start jogging in a snow parka? Or rain gear? It's the same here as it is OVER THERE!!! We're like six blocks away from each other! We share the same zip code and time zone!!! Now, if you'd like to leave something I could Ebay, well, that might be a different story...

--To the Editors of In-Touch Magazine: How many stories do you think the public needs that involve hidden cameras and 'Cellulite of the Stars'? 'You'll never guess whose bodies these are!' you say on the cover. I'll tell you who it is: It's the same three people whose pictures you airbrushed LAST month, when you needed their pictures for the story about 'Cheating Movie Stars,' or 'Pregnancy Rumors.' There is a special place in Hell for you, right between the level of moms who put their toddlers in beauty pageants, and Karl Rove's cretins who keep distributing the crap about Democrats and Socialism.

--To the guy who had his driver license revoked during the Carter Administration: Look, we're getting to know each other pretty well, right? You keep asking me for a printout of what you need to go through to make a formal appeal, so that you can start driving again, and the answer is the same as the last eleven times you asked me. I've gotta tell you between me and you, it's praaahhhbably not gonna happen, okay? Yer lookin' at climbin' a pretty steep hill, here, see? The way it works is, they generally DON'T go for giving out fourteenth and fifteenth chances to knuckleheads who decide to drive drunk over and over and over and over and over -- do you see what I'm getting at? So to save us both even more time and trouble, let me put it to you bluntly: you'll have your license back when: a) Hell freezes over; b) the Lions win the Superbowl; c) We discover life on Mars -- and it's little green men like they told us all along; or d) We discover the secret of spontaneous human combustion. So maybe you could work on one of THOSE things yourself -- as a kind of motivator. Instead of wasting MY time every few weeks coming in to ask the same question...

And now, reader, please comment!!! It's time to get involved, and give us your OWN shoutouts!!! :)