If American Idol...

...judged based on photographs.

(I enter through the double doors, like all the other contestants have done at the tryouts in Houston, with my photograph in a manilla folder.)

Simon (reading from a clipboard): Alright, then, John is it?
Me: Yes, that's right.
Simon: Okay, and what are doing for us today?
Me: This is a photograph of me when I was in third or fourth grade.
Randy: Yo, dog, you don't know which year it is?
Me: Well, I --
Randy: Yo, man, that ain't cool. You feel me? The one thing we always tell people -- (makes a swishing sound through his teeth -"ssshheeeee") -- is you gotta know what you're showing us, right? You gotta be able to tell us what we're looking at...
Me: I know, I'm really sorry, it's just that I didn't have a lot of time to come up with --
Paula: You know what, I'm sure it'll be fine you guys.
Simon: All right, then, off you go.

(I take the following photo out of the envelope and place it on the easel next to me.)



























(Hoots from Randy; Paula gives an 'awwww' sound like she's looking at a six-week old puppy; Simon is silent.)

Simon: Alright, then. Randy.
Randy: (barely stifling the laughter) Heh, heh, okay, man, what -- ahahaha, I'm sorry, what are we looking at?
Me: Well, this was a class photograph taken at my elementary school in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Randy: Yo, I gotta tell you man, this? I don't know, man. I look at you standing in front of us here in the studio, and you got this whole normal guy/blue jeans and t-shirt thing going on with maybe a little soul thrown in, you know? But this...this photograph...I don't know man. This just ain't you.
Paula: What do you mean? I think it's adoooorrrable. Listen, it's like seeing a little, snuggly...hamster or something, I think. You have this amazing presence in this photograph, you bring such a warmth to your artistry, a wholesomeness. I wouldn't let anyone take that from you. You do you best, you know?
Simon: (Rolls eyes as he's chewing on a pen cap. Then...) Okay, John, here's the thing. What exactly aahh we supposed to do with this photo? I mean, on the one hand, I see a neo-hillbilly thing with this bowl haircut and the plaid shirt and all the plastic button-snaps. But at the same time, you're trying a little too hard, don't you think? With the looking-off-to-the-side inset photo. It all seems a little precocious to me.
Paula: Simon!
Simon: Well what am I supposed to think about this? It's self-indulgent rubbish. Total claptrap. All right, Randy, yes or no.
Randy: I don't know, dog, it's just, I gotta say no, man.
Simon: All right. Paula?
Paula: A thousand percent yes, you have such a light that shines from --
Simon: And I say no. Sorry, John, better luck next time.