Best Status Updates: Bill is...)

I recently found a part of Facebook I hadn't seen before -- a contest that runs regularly to see who can come up with the best Status Update. As it turns out, there are already a few blog posts out there about the subject of Status Updates, but they mostly just copy each other's info...so I did a more extensive Internet search. And these, I thought, were the best:

Name...

• can’t listen to that much Wagner. He starts getting the urge to conquer Poland.
  
• doesn’t want to achieve immortality through his work…he wants to achieve it through not dying.
  
• places his boss under a pedestal.
  
• is hoping God would give him some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in his name in a Swiss bank.
  
• is sure that money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
  
• is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
  
• couldn't myself have better it said.
  
• is proud to be modest!
  
• hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
  
• says "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar!"
  
• thinks it's impossible to look at a baby penguin and not get angry!
  
• reminds you that when we resort to violence, nobody wins. Wait, that's wrong. I win...always!!! Got that! ALWAYS!!!!
  
• Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.
  
• was wondering why the frisbie kept getting bigger. Then it hit him.
  
• is doubling the recipe and putting the oven at 700 degrees.
  
• says cancel my subscription, I'm tired of your issues.
  
• is fed up with Indian givers...wait, no, I take that back.
  
• is bringing sexy back, but lost the receipt.
  
• is planning to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  
• feels a clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  
• says anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby.
  
• 25 reasons Lisa procrastinates. 1.
  
• can see Alaska from her house.
  
• wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
  
• Jim is letting you know that he won the Jim death pool. So pay up, suckers!
  
• lost his focus, but has since regained it. Oh, look, a cat...