The Christmas Season this year will always be remembered as a year of transition...
For our oldest, Ethan, who is now 12, it's the last year of childhood...soon to be followed by the teen years. And because he's now in middle school, he's no longer involved in all the little kid stuff that goes on at church. Never again will he be our little angel with the tinsel crown, no more dressing up as one of the three wise men, no more children's choir.
And Ethan also really enjoyed the youth group stuff at church, highlighted by a gift exchange which was supposed to be a 'white elephant' affair. This didn't always translate well into the arcane language of the 7th or 8th grade mind, which made the whole thing much funnier. As the kids broke into their cell groups of 8 or 10 people, I saw cheap plastic toys (who knew they made no-name-brand slinkies?) and candy, a mechanical battery-operated crescent wrench, even a used basketball.
For Isaac, 2009 was a season of . He kept his parents running. First, he sang with the Jackson Children's Chorale Choir, which had the opportunity to sing with the Jackson Adult Chorale Choir as they were backed by the Jackson Symphony Orchestra...the whole production was amazing, but the day was packed. The minute the concert was finished, Ethan and I pushed our way frantically through the crowd to find him and haul him to the church so he could change transform into one of the three wise men via the magic of the bath robe. We just barely made it with perhaps two minutes to spare...whew!!!
And then came Gillian. Not quite age 3, she's our handful of joy (more handful than we can manage at times) and she's at a different stage of transition, not quite baby, not quite little kid. My wife and I woke her up from a nap to get her changed as quickly as possible from pajamas to tights and a dress, and again, just made it with about two minutes to spare.
Still sleepy and half in a daze, Gillian walked with the other two year olds down the central aisle of the dark church into the spotlights, all eyes on the children as they were herded into position by adult workers desperately hoping to get them to sit still...and of course, you could feel the smiles of the watching adults, all wondering how successful the whole thing would turn out.
The minute the two year olds were in position, the overhead screen displayed them seated on the steps where they sat...which was discovered by one little girl who was completely delighted to see herself and all her friends on two giant t.v. screens.
And her attention from that point on was completely lost.
But the show must go on, and so it did. Gillian, however, was too exhausted to sing anything, and she ended up first sitting on the steps staring half awake out at the crowd, then watching the kids around her do the motions to "Away In a Manger" which my wife had practiced with her for days.
So glad she had all that practice...so we could watch her sit there and watch everyone else...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Two
“ ‘Snot Weekun!” our 2 year old exclaims impatiently, and her majesty is correct – it, the DVD player is not working…or more accurately, it isn’t working YET because the DVD she wants to watch (which she’s seen at least ten times already) hasn’t loaded yet.
Impatience. Defining hallmark of youth (though we all wish it just developed naturally with age, don’t we?) and no one in our household is more impatient than the princess. When the disc is put into the player it’s supposed to just WORK; not after four seconds. NOW.
She’s like this with many things. When she wants a sippy cup (a ‘baba’, to use her vernacular) thirty seconds is much, much too long to wait for the microwave to heat the milk. But if the glass we use to heat the milk is taken out of the microwave at, say, twenty seconds, well, as crazy as it may sound, SHE KNOWS. “Oh! Nah HOT! Heat-a-up!”
Age two has its bright spots, of course. Christmas will no doubt be amazing this year, perhaps the first one she will remember and definitely the first one where we’ve introduced the word ‘presents’ to her. And we’ve recently gotten video of her watching a Disney DVD. She always laughs hysterically at the same spot in the cartoon, and you can’t help but smile and laugh right along with her.
But how did ‘two’ come to an end so quickly? It feels hard to believe she’s almost three. THREE, for crying out loud, and while I can’t believe I’m saying this, there’s a kind of sadness knowing that in just a couple months, we won’t have a toddler in diapers any more, but instead a third child. A KID.
I’m not complaining by any means. Changing your kid’s diaper when she’s age two is kind of like changing your great Aunt Margaret. You don’t get cutesy little poo like you do with newborns, and it isn’t an experience you look forward to. Having her completely potty trained -- instead of having to change her underwear seven times a day -- will be a huge blessing.
But two is almost completely gone. And it wasn’t so terrible after all; in fact, am I actually going to say this? We’re going to kind of miss two…
Impatience. Defining hallmark of youth (though we all wish it just developed naturally with age, don’t we?) and no one in our household is more impatient than the princess. When the disc is put into the player it’s supposed to just WORK; not after four seconds. NOW.
She’s like this with many things. When she wants a sippy cup (a ‘baba’, to use her vernacular) thirty seconds is much, much too long to wait for the microwave to heat the milk. But if the glass we use to heat the milk is taken out of the microwave at, say, twenty seconds, well, as crazy as it may sound, SHE KNOWS. “Oh! Nah HOT! Heat-a-up!”
Age two has its bright spots, of course. Christmas will no doubt be amazing this year, perhaps the first one she will remember and definitely the first one where we’ve introduced the word ‘presents’ to her. And we’ve recently gotten video of her watching a Disney DVD. She always laughs hysterically at the same spot in the cartoon, and you can’t help but smile and laugh right along with her.
But how did ‘two’ come to an end so quickly? It feels hard to believe she’s almost three. THREE, for crying out loud, and while I can’t believe I’m saying this, there’s a kind of sadness knowing that in just a couple months, we won’t have a toddler in diapers any more, but instead a third child. A KID.
I’m not complaining by any means. Changing your kid’s diaper when she’s age two is kind of like changing your great Aunt Margaret. You don’t get cutesy little poo like you do with newborns, and it isn’t an experience you look forward to. Having her completely potty trained -- instead of having to change her underwear seven times a day -- will be a huge blessing.
But two is almost completely gone. And it wasn’t so terrible after all; in fact, am I actually going to say this? We’re going to kind of miss two…
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Quick Quote...
"You can run...but NOT WELL!!!"
-- Bernard, from the Nickleodeon animated series, "Back in the Barnyard"
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
More Schrute, Baby, SCHRUTE!!!
On Health Care:
Dwight Schrute: "Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony."
Jim Halpert: "OK, Whoa, alright 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?"
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] "Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection."
On Survival of the Fittest:
"In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead."
On Friendship:
"I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like...Mozart's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like...Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy."
Hmmm...
"I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections...there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory..."
On Marketing:
"First rule in roadside beet sales, put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go “wow, I need this beet right now”. Those are the money beets."
Thought for the Day...
After recently reading an article on CNN.COM, I've come to the following conclusion:
If you're going to post a comment on the Internet relating to a news story, and you plan on calling someone a 'buffoon', then it's really best to know how to spell the word...(baffune? seriously???)
If you're going to post a comment on the Internet relating to a news story, and you plan on calling someone a 'buffoon', then it's really best to know how to spell the word...(baffune? seriously???)
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
"No, Don't Call me a Hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes, and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes."
--Dwight Schrute, NBC's "The Office"
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up…from MSNBC.Com:
Japan's next prime minister might be nicknamed "the alien," but it's his wife who claims to have had a close encounter with another world.
"While my body was asleep, I think my soul rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus," Miyuki Hatoyama, the wife of premier-in-waiting Yukio Hatoyama, wrote in a book published last year.
"It was a very beautiful place and it was really green."
Yukio Hatoyama is due to be voted in as premier on Sept. 16 following his party's crushing election victory over the long-ruling Liberal Democratic Party Sunday.
Miyuki, 66, described the extraterrestrial experience, which she said took place some 20 years ago, in a book entitled "Very Strange Things I've Encountered."
When she awoke, Japan's next first lady wrote, she told her now ex-husband that she had just been to Venus. He advised her that it was probably just a dream.
"My current husband has a different way of thinking," she wrote. "He would surely say 'Oh, that's great'."
Yukio Hatoyama, 62, the rich grandson of a former prime minister, was once nicknamed "the alien" for his prominent eyes.
Miyuki, also known for her culinary skills, spent six years acting in the Takarazuka Revue, an all-female musical theater group. She met the U.S.-educated Yukio while living in America.
A strong believer in spiritualism, Hatoyama said in a TV appearance earlier this year she met U.S. actor Tom Cruise — in a previous life.
"I have a dream that I still believe will come true, which is to make a film in Hollywood," she told a TV talk show in May. "The lead actor is Tom Cruise, of course. Why? Because I know he was Japanese in a previous life.
"I was with him then. So he would recognize me when I see him and say 'long time, no see!'" she said, though cautioned the program's young interviewer not to take her seriously.
Cruise starred in the 2003 film "The Last Samurai," which was set in Japan.
Cruise starred in the 2003 film "The Last Samurai," which was set in Japan.
"I also eat the sun," Hatoyama said on the program, looking up with her eyes closed, raising her arms high as if she was tearing pieces off an imaginary sun. "Like this, hum, hum, hum. It gives me enormous energy."
She also has had a "Miracle Interview" column in the monthly spiritual magazine "Mu." Her columns were published last year in a book called "Most Bizarre Things I've Encountered," a compilation of interviews with 26 prominent people, including writers, scholars and culinary experts revealing their strange or spiritual experiences.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
“Let me tell you something, this is a sick town.”
A local businessman and I were talking several months ago as I processed his vehicle registration renewals. His response came after I asked him about a piece of property about two miles from my office, out on Erie Rd. maybe a half mile out of town. I drive past it every day, and couldn’t help but notice warning signs posted on the six foot tall chain link fence lining the property.
He told me the site had held an old factory that had dumped a bunch of chemicals into the ground. I recently did an Internet search, and the site is indeed designated by the EPA as a Superfund site, first proposed for cleanup 6/24/1988. It was actually an old landfill, and before that a foundry, and studies of the soil showed contamination of the following, probably due to discarded paint sludge (among other things): arsenic, iron, barium, manganese, trimethyl benzene, xylene, acetone, and aluminum.
‘Sick town.’ His words echo back to me almost every week, most recently yesterday. With a lobby full of people, a woman came in and asked one of my clerks if we could make a special accommodation for her husband who had a hard time standing or walking. After a quick discussion, she left the office and pulled her car into the alley next to the building to drop him off.
A few minutes later the door opened, and in he came. The lobby, with twenty plus people waiting, was instantly quieter, all eyes watching. He was wheezing so loud it was difficult to believe he could walk at all, sweating so profusely that he left big gobs of perspiration wherever he was sitting or standing.
And he isn’t the only person in town in such poor health, not by far. A little later in the afternoon a man came in shaped like a capital ‘C’ – back arched with age, head almost parallel to the floor. Where before he might have been five-eight or five-nine, he’d lost three or four inches to gravity and osteoporosis, and could barely look you in the eye.
I read the obits pretty regularly online, and can’t help but notice the variance in ages of the recently deceased. What would the average life expectancy be in a place like Albion, I wonder? Almost certainly below the national average –
This really IS a sick town. To me, it only emphasizes the class disparity in America, the advantages held by the upper and middle classes, and the difficulty in climbing the economic ladder. If America is a land of opportunity, then that opportunity might present odds that look more like a lottery and less like the true chance for improvement we’d like to think we offer everyone.
Or maybe the real opportunities available aren’t so easily recognized. Maybe we offer immigrants from Third World nations a chance at good, safe employment for fair pay that they wouldn’t otherwise have had.
In light of the health care debate going on in Washington and around the country, I feel blessed to have the health care – and health – I DO have…
A local businessman and I were talking several months ago as I processed his vehicle registration renewals. His response came after I asked him about a piece of property about two miles from my office, out on Erie Rd. maybe a half mile out of town. I drive past it every day, and couldn’t help but notice warning signs posted on the six foot tall chain link fence lining the property.
He told me the site had held an old factory that had dumped a bunch of chemicals into the ground. I recently did an Internet search, and the site is indeed designated by the EPA as a Superfund site, first proposed for cleanup 6/24/1988. It was actually an old landfill, and before that a foundry, and studies of the soil showed contamination of the following, probably due to discarded paint sludge (among other things): arsenic, iron, barium, manganese, trimethyl benzene, xylene, acetone, and aluminum.
‘Sick town.’ His words echo back to me almost every week, most recently yesterday. With a lobby full of people, a woman came in and asked one of my clerks if we could make a special accommodation for her husband who had a hard time standing or walking. After a quick discussion, she left the office and pulled her car into the alley next to the building to drop him off.
A few minutes later the door opened, and in he came. The lobby, with twenty plus people waiting, was instantly quieter, all eyes watching. He was wheezing so loud it was difficult to believe he could walk at all, sweating so profusely that he left big gobs of perspiration wherever he was sitting or standing.
And he isn’t the only person in town in such poor health, not by far. A little later in the afternoon a man came in shaped like a capital ‘C’ – back arched with age, head almost parallel to the floor. Where before he might have been five-eight or five-nine, he’d lost three or four inches to gravity and osteoporosis, and could barely look you in the eye.
I read the obits pretty regularly online, and can’t help but notice the variance in ages of the recently deceased. What would the average life expectancy be in a place like Albion, I wonder? Almost certainly below the national average –
This really IS a sick town. To me, it only emphasizes the class disparity in America, the advantages held by the upper and middle classes, and the difficulty in climbing the economic ladder. If America is a land of opportunity, then that opportunity might present odds that look more like a lottery and less like the true chance for improvement we’d like to think we offer everyone.
Or maybe the real opportunities available aren’t so easily recognized. Maybe we offer immigrants from Third World nations a chance at good, safe employment for fair pay that they wouldn’t otherwise have had.
In light of the health care debate going on in Washington and around the country, I feel blessed to have the health care – and health – I DO have…
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Facebook’s gotten out of hand. I think we can all agree on that one.
In the past month, I’ve gotten friend requests from three people I’m not convinced I’ve ever even met. The last one was from some guy in Abu Dhabi, whose profile photo makes him look like a rock star. No kidding – he reminds of a young Lenny Kravitz, wearing dark sunglasses and a black shirt that’s half unbuttoned…and after I responded favorably to the request (hey, I’ll be friends with ANYONE on Facebook, don’t double-dog-dare me on that one) I looked down his wall and discovered a crowd of people who are posting that they have no idea who he is.
Amazing.
I’m considering starting a series of ‘Fan’ sites, though, to establish some sort of record. That way, for the masses of people who've made the mistake of ‘befriending’ me when they have no idea who I am, they’ll all get that continuous string of site suggestions popping up on the right side of the screen…with my name next to all of them! Almost like I’m famous!
“Game Show Hosts of the Seventies! John is a fan!”
“Things That Start With the Letter ‘C’! John is a fan!”
“Nebraska Zip Codes! John is a fan!”
“Things That Look Like Other Things! John is a fan!”
“Getting Kicked In the Crotch! John is a fan!
But the best thing about Facebook for me is that I now have a second piece of evidence (along with my seventh and eighth grade yearbooks) that I actually know actress Gillian Anderson, star of the t.v. show ‘The X Files.’ When her face popped up as a friend suggestion, I waited the required two days (no need to seem desperate, right?) and then sent her a request.
And she responded.
So how cool is that??? You actually know someone who knows someone who’s famous…
“People Who Know Gillian Anderson! John is a fan!”
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A Bold, Fresh Nightmare: Being the VBS Host
“That was great singing, boys and girls,” my wife says, and she says true. The nearly 300 kids attending our Vacation Bible School this week have been yelling their lungs out during every song – enthused to say the least.
“And now it’s time to meet our Bible Memory Buddy for today!” and it’s on to the next section. A picture comes up on the overhead projectors, a spoonbill bird with pink and white feathers and a goofy smile. My wife goes on to read today’s Bible verse, then it’s on to the next section.
Sort of.
“So that was great, boys and girls,” my wife is saying and she begins ad-libbing about memory verses, how beautiful the spoonbill bird is, etc. “But has anybody seen Skeeter?”
That’s me, the comic relief character for the skit each night. Lissa isn’t supposed to have to ask this question to summon Skeeter, and I’m supposed to have been on stage about thirty seconds before she asks about me…but instead, I’m behind the curtains off stage with a fish hook in my thumb, and part of my costume – a safari type hat with a bunch of fishing lures stuck to it – is tangled in tonight’s prop, a fishing net on a six foot long pole. A couple teenage girls that are helping to lead singing are backstage with me, and they begin trying to help me untangle the mess that I’m in.
After another unbearable twenty seconds goes by, I’m finally on stage, ad-libbing a different intro to the skit now that my other entrance has been completely blown (I was supposed to come out crashing into my wife, waving the fishing net in the air…oh well.) We finally continue on with the skit and finish…
But the nightmare isn’t quite over for my wife. At another point in the evening, she declares, “Now it’s time for you to share YOUR God-sightings!” and scores of tiny hands pop into the air like fireworks. She’d done this last night – asking kids to talk about something nice they saw someone do for someone else, or to give a story about how they experience God in their everyday lives…perhaps a tricky concept for some of the younger kids. But every child’s eager to talk into that microphone, and my wife is making the mistake of actually letting them!
“Let’s see, how about someone from over in this section,” she says and walks down the steps from the stage into the throng of elated children, desperate for their twenty seconds of fame. “Do you have a God sighting?”
“GOD HAS A MAGIC STICK!” the girl proudly proclaims.
Hmmm, my wife is thinking.
Err, the crew leader next to the girl is saying.
AWESOME! I’m sure the four-year-old is thinking, her face beaming proudly up at my wife.
“Let’s see what someone over in this section has to say – did you have a God sighting this week?”
“DREAMING!” the child roars into the microphone. What to do with this response?
“Yes – God watches over us when we’re dreaming? Right?”
And the nightmare continues…
Only two more nights to go…
“And now it’s time to meet our Bible Memory Buddy for today!” and it’s on to the next section. A picture comes up on the overhead projectors, a spoonbill bird with pink and white feathers and a goofy smile. My wife goes on to read today’s Bible verse, then it’s on to the next section.
Sort of.
“So that was great, boys and girls,” my wife is saying and she begins ad-libbing about memory verses, how beautiful the spoonbill bird is, etc. “But has anybody seen Skeeter?”
That’s me, the comic relief character for the skit each night. Lissa isn’t supposed to have to ask this question to summon Skeeter, and I’m supposed to have been on stage about thirty seconds before she asks about me…but instead, I’m behind the curtains off stage with a fish hook in my thumb, and part of my costume – a safari type hat with a bunch of fishing lures stuck to it – is tangled in tonight’s prop, a fishing net on a six foot long pole. A couple teenage girls that are helping to lead singing are backstage with me, and they begin trying to help me untangle the mess that I’m in.
After another unbearable twenty seconds goes by, I’m finally on stage, ad-libbing a different intro to the skit now that my other entrance has been completely blown (I was supposed to come out crashing into my wife, waving the fishing net in the air…oh well.) We finally continue on with the skit and finish…
But the nightmare isn’t quite over for my wife. At another point in the evening, she declares, “Now it’s time for you to share YOUR God-sightings!” and scores of tiny hands pop into the air like fireworks. She’d done this last night – asking kids to talk about something nice they saw someone do for someone else, or to give a story about how they experience God in their everyday lives…perhaps a tricky concept for some of the younger kids. But every child’s eager to talk into that microphone, and my wife is making the mistake of actually letting them!
“Let’s see, how about someone from over in this section,” she says and walks down the steps from the stage into the throng of elated children, desperate for their twenty seconds of fame. “Do you have a God sighting?”
“GOD HAS A MAGIC STICK!” the girl proudly proclaims.
Hmmm, my wife is thinking.
Err, the crew leader next to the girl is saying.
AWESOME! I’m sure the four-year-old is thinking, her face beaming proudly up at my wife.
“Let’s see what someone over in this section has to say – did you have a God sighting this week?”
“DREAMING!” the child roars into the microphone. What to do with this response?
“Yes – God watches over us when we’re dreaming? Right?”
And the nightmare continues…
Only two more nights to go…
Monday, August 10, 2009
Our New Favorite Comedian: Quotes From Demetri Martin
"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’”
“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’"
“I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”
“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”
“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’”
“I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘B-a-n-a … keep going. Bananana … damn.’
“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”
“I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”
“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart… Especially if the human is kind of hairy.”
“They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’s a dog. Don’t waste my time.”
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
“I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”
“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’”
“I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’”
“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’ "
“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’”
“I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.”
My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”.
"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters."
“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’"
“I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”
“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”
“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’”
“I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘B-a-n-a … keep going. Bananana … damn.’
“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”
“I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”
“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart… Especially if the human is kind of hairy.”
“They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’s a dog. Don’t waste my time.”
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
“I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”
“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’”
“I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’”
“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’ "
“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’”
“I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.”
My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”.
"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters."
Friday, July 24, 2009
"Untitled: A Blog Post With No Name; or My Untitled Blog Post"
Well, the Bee Van has really amped up the pressure this week.
When a vehicle really doesn't like you, it doesn't just break down. If it did, you'd just get it fixed (as we have many, many times already); and if it broke down at a completely inopportune time, you might actually just consider junking it.
Instead of just breaking down, however, the Van began showing a few signs of trouble like dark clouds on the horizon. First, the "Service Engine Soon" light came on -- then went out -- then came on for a couple days -- then went off, then blinked right back on.
Hmmm....
Not really something to worry about, we thought...but then the speedometer stopped working (which also meant the odometer and tripmeter weren't working, as they're all part of the same component) but only until we stopped somewhere. When we got back in restarted the car, it began working again...and the speedometer was working again.
Then the speedometer stopped working, the Service light came back on, and engine hesitated, just for a moment, but enough to make us hold our breaths a little wondering if maybe this time, something was REALLY up. But then it was running fine...until my wife pulled up to a stop sign and it stalled out. But then she restarted it and everything was fine again.
I can't take this! I began thinking; and the Van has begun the long, slow, torturous process of making us lose our sanity.
Ugh.
In other news, I missed a perfect opportunity two days ago for the perfect blog post. Asia had one of the longest eclipses it will have this century. The post that I inadvertently omitted:
PEOPLE OF ASIA NOW HEAR THIS! YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE MY SUPREME AUTHORITY AS EMPEROR AND SOVEREIGN RULER OF YOUR PUNY CONTINENT, BOWING PROSTRATE BEFORE ME, OR I WILL BLOT THE SUN FROM THE SKY! THE DAY SHALL BE AS NIGHT AND YOUR LAND COVERED IN DARKNESS! FOR, SAY, 6 MINUTES AND 39 SECONDS GIVE OR TAKE...
When a vehicle really doesn't like you, it doesn't just break down. If it did, you'd just get it fixed (as we have many, many times already); and if it broke down at a completely inopportune time, you might actually just consider junking it.
Instead of just breaking down, however, the Van began showing a few signs of trouble like dark clouds on the horizon. First, the "Service Engine Soon" light came on -- then went out -- then came on for a couple days -- then went off, then blinked right back on.
Hmmm....
Not really something to worry about, we thought...but then the speedometer stopped working (which also meant the odometer and tripmeter weren't working, as they're all part of the same component) but only until we stopped somewhere. When we got back in restarted the car, it began working again...and the speedometer was working again.
Then the speedometer stopped working, the Service light came back on, and engine hesitated, just for a moment, but enough to make us hold our breaths a little wondering if maybe this time, something was REALLY up. But then it was running fine...until my wife pulled up to a stop sign and it stalled out. But then she restarted it and everything was fine again.
I can't take this! I began thinking; and the Van has begun the long, slow, torturous process of making us lose our sanity.
Ugh.
In other news, I missed a perfect opportunity two days ago for the perfect blog post. Asia had one of the longest eclipses it will have this century. The post that I inadvertently omitted:
PEOPLE OF ASIA NOW HEAR THIS! YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE MY SUPREME AUTHORITY AS EMPEROR AND SOVEREIGN RULER OF YOUR PUNY CONTINENT, BOWING PROSTRATE BEFORE ME, OR I WILL BLOT THE SUN FROM THE SKY! THE DAY SHALL BE AS NIGHT AND YOUR LAND COVERED IN DARKNESS! FOR, SAY, 6 MINUTES AND 39 SECONDS GIVE OR TAKE...
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Recently came across this from CNN.com:
Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:
--Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it
"The resolution was we were both fired."- Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions
--What are your hobbies and interests?
"[He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations
--Why should we hire you?
"I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group
--Do you have any questions?
"Cross dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
"What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
"Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
"What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
"If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
"[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
"If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
"When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
"So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" -- Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting
--Why are you leaving your current job?
"Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, Human Resources Manager, True Textiles, Inc.
"I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith
--Why are you looking for a job?
"Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
--What are your assets? (as in strengths)
"Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group
--What are your weaknesses?
"I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
"I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
"I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
"I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." -- Michaele Charles, Voice Communications
--When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
"Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce
--Is there anything else I should know about you?
"You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." - Venne
Use three adjectives to describe yourself
"I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering, manager of outreach, National Fatherhood Initiative
--Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
"I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering
--Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
"What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering
Random responses
"One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
"[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." -- Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
"Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
"May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
(During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated."- Smith
"[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" – Darby
--Source: CNN.com, from an article by CAREERBUILDER.com
Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:
--Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it
"The resolution was we were both fired."- Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions
--What are your hobbies and interests?
"[He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations
--Why should we hire you?
"I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group
--Do you have any questions?
"Cross dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
"What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
"Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
"What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
"If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
"[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
"If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
"When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
"So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" -- Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting
--Why are you leaving your current job?
"Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, Human Resources Manager, True Textiles, Inc.
"I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith
--Why are you looking for a job?
"Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
--What are your assets? (as in strengths)
"Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group
--What are your weaknesses?
"I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
"I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
"I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
"I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." -- Michaele Charles, Voice Communications
--When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
"Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce
--Is there anything else I should know about you?
"You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." - Venne
Use three adjectives to describe yourself
"I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering, manager of outreach, National Fatherhood Initiative
--Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
"I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering
--Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
"What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering
Random responses
"One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
"[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." -- Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
"Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
"May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
(During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated."- Smith
"[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" – Darby
--Source: CNN.com, from an article by CAREERBUILDER.com
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Lessons from Joseph Heller, Pt. 1
I'm currently reading 'Catch-22' and I think I've stumbled on to a key ingredient that's currently missing from a number of American industries: a perfect blending of total mediocrity and complete ineptitude.
Mediocrity I think we've mastered. As Garrison Keillor recently said about Lake Wobegonians -- which holds true for the American Work Machine -- first place isn't really for us; honorable mention is more than good enough...if you gave us a gold trophy we'd have it bronzed.
But complete ineptitude, well, that's another matter entirely. Our lack of failure has nearly destroyed this country, evidenced most starkly by the downfall of companies like GM and Chrysler.
From 'Catch-22':
"Colonel Cargill, General Peckem's troubleshooter, was a forceful, ruddy man. Before the war he had been an alert, hard-hitting, aggressive marketing executive. He was a very bad marketing executive. Colonel Cargill was so awful a marketing executive that his services were much sought after by firms eager to establish losses for tax purposes. Throughout the civilized world, from Battery Park to Fulton Street, he was known as a dependable man for a fast tax write-off. His prices were high, for failure often did not come easily. He had to start at the top and work his way down, and with sympathetic friends in Washington, losing money was no simple matter. It took months of hard work and careful misplanning. A person misplaced, disorganized, miscalculated, overlooked everything and opened every loophole, and just when he thought he had it made, the government gave him a lake or a forest or an oilfield and spoiled everything. Even with such handicaps, Colonel Cargill could be relied on to run the most prosperous enterprise into the ground. He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody." ('Catch-22', Joseph Heller, pp 33-4)
Mediocrity I think we've mastered. As Garrison Keillor recently said about Lake Wobegonians -- which holds true for the American Work Machine -- first place isn't really for us; honorable mention is more than good enough...if you gave us a gold trophy we'd have it bronzed.
But complete ineptitude, well, that's another matter entirely. Our lack of failure has nearly destroyed this country, evidenced most starkly by the downfall of companies like GM and Chrysler.
From 'Catch-22':
"Colonel Cargill, General Peckem's troubleshooter, was a forceful, ruddy man. Before the war he had been an alert, hard-hitting, aggressive marketing executive. He was a very bad marketing executive. Colonel Cargill was so awful a marketing executive that his services were much sought after by firms eager to establish losses for tax purposes. Throughout the civilized world, from Battery Park to Fulton Street, he was known as a dependable man for a fast tax write-off. His prices were high, for failure often did not come easily. He had to start at the top and work his way down, and with sympathetic friends in Washington, losing money was no simple matter. It took months of hard work and careful misplanning. A person misplaced, disorganized, miscalculated, overlooked everything and opened every loophole, and just when he thought he had it made, the government gave him a lake or a forest or an oilfield and spoiled everything. Even with such handicaps, Colonel Cargill could be relied on to run the most prosperous enterprise into the ground. He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody." ('Catch-22', Joseph Heller, pp 33-4)
Monday, July 13, 2009
Diplomacy
To have a toddler is to own a tiny, 30 inch tall dictator, a mini tyrant that struts around the house with a limited grasp of the English language; who’s not completely potty trained; and who makes constant demands of her subjects in her own gibberish-laden language, a sort of hybridized form of English, with much gesturing and grunting that everyone around her strains to understand as they try to appease her.
I’m upstairs painting our hallway and come down to grab a screwdriver when I’m greeted by the sight of her highness the two-year-old in a heated argument with my wife in the living room. Not that this is much different from most of the communication we try to have with our daughter at this stage– discussions are most often ‘heated’ – and this time, surprise, surprise, it’s about food.
What is it about food that gets this kid so worked up, I’m wondering?
Her choices for dinner were: hot dog; hamburger; potato salad; watermelon; cantaloupe; pineapple; baked beans; or chips.
She opted for chips.
Of course, chips not being a particularly satisfying meal, it’s now 7pm and she’s hungry.
“Hot Fries! Hot FRIES!” she’s yelling at my wife, meaning that her majesty, pointing at the front door, is requesting a trip to McDonald’s. She’s come to know french fries as ‘hot fries’ over time, as in ‘be careful, those fries are hot!’
But of course, when she hears the word ‘no’ – as in, ‘no, our lives don’t revolve around you NEARLY as much as you’re convinced they do’ – she breaks into hysterics and during the ensuing tantrum, my wife does her best to give her highness several other, more suitable options, something, say, without all the trans-fats and the cholesterol.
As I re-ascend the stairwell, they finally come to an impasse; the dictator’s demands go unmet by her subject the Mommy, and after tense negotiations, a compromise is reached; her majesty will have pasta.
I return to my spot upstairs and after removing a furnace vent cover, I resume painting only to find another set of negotiations are going on behind closed doors, and just within earshot. I’m not sure which war is being discussed – most likely WW2 judging by the machine gun noises? – but the Generals are hard at work in the planning stages of an invasion, as several lower level officers are being chastised for their poor execution in the face of an intense enemy embankment.
I can’t quite make out everything, but it’s clear from what I’m hearing that things aren’t going well for one side in the war.
There are many, many sounds that bring joy in life, but none quite as intensely for me as the sound of a boy making machine gun noises and explosions while he’s playing with the standby of boyhood: army guys.
Our 12-year-old is directly behind the door where I’m painting, completely unaware that a spy is straining to hear his generals.
Interestingly enough, I can only make out one side of the conversation, as if there really are two people in there. I hear a mumbled voice, followed by shouts and reprimands…then the whine of an airplane, followed by another explosion…
Oh to be 12 again!!!
I’d take 12 in a heartbeat. Not forever, of course, but for a day? Even a week?
Heck yeah…
Two, though, not so much. I don’t think I could wear the crown of monarchy. The responsibility would seem too great…
I’m upstairs painting our hallway and come down to grab a screwdriver when I’m greeted by the sight of her highness the two-year-old in a heated argument with my wife in the living room. Not that this is much different from most of the communication we try to have with our daughter at this stage– discussions are most often ‘heated’ – and this time, surprise, surprise, it’s about food.
What is it about food that gets this kid so worked up, I’m wondering?
Her choices for dinner were: hot dog; hamburger; potato salad; watermelon; cantaloupe; pineapple; baked beans; or chips.
She opted for chips.
Of course, chips not being a particularly satisfying meal, it’s now 7pm and she’s hungry.
“Hot Fries! Hot FRIES!” she’s yelling at my wife, meaning that her majesty, pointing at the front door, is requesting a trip to McDonald’s. She’s come to know french fries as ‘hot fries’ over time, as in ‘be careful, those fries are hot!’
But of course, when she hears the word ‘no’ – as in, ‘no, our lives don’t revolve around you NEARLY as much as you’re convinced they do’ – she breaks into hysterics and during the ensuing tantrum, my wife does her best to give her highness several other, more suitable options, something, say, without all the trans-fats and the cholesterol.
As I re-ascend the stairwell, they finally come to an impasse; the dictator’s demands go unmet by her subject the Mommy, and after tense negotiations, a compromise is reached; her majesty will have pasta.
I return to my spot upstairs and after removing a furnace vent cover, I resume painting only to find another set of negotiations are going on behind closed doors, and just within earshot. I’m not sure which war is being discussed – most likely WW2 judging by the machine gun noises? – but the Generals are hard at work in the planning stages of an invasion, as several lower level officers are being chastised for their poor execution in the face of an intense enemy embankment.
I can’t quite make out everything, but it’s clear from what I’m hearing that things aren’t going well for one side in the war.
There are many, many sounds that bring joy in life, but none quite as intensely for me as the sound of a boy making machine gun noises and explosions while he’s playing with the standby of boyhood: army guys.
Our 12-year-old is directly behind the door where I’m painting, completely unaware that a spy is straining to hear his generals.
Interestingly enough, I can only make out one side of the conversation, as if there really are two people in there. I hear a mumbled voice, followed by shouts and reprimands…then the whine of an airplane, followed by another explosion…
Oh to be 12 again!!!
I’d take 12 in a heartbeat. Not forever, of course, but for a day? Even a week?
Heck yeah…
Two, though, not so much. I don’t think I could wear the crown of monarchy. The responsibility would seem too great…
Friday, July 10, 2009
"Little Timmy Fell Down the Well..."
…is what I write on the electronic signature pad as I’m buying groceries at Meijer, and the resulting piece of abstract art looks as much like my signature as if I’d actually tried to write my name. Meijer has many innovations; a way to capture a decent signature electronically, however, is still elusive, which is surprising. The store management has updated the checkout aisles several times over the last ten years or so, and each time I’m pleasantly surprised with what they come up with – first self checkout, then even faster self checkout…
But still no change in the signature pad…
Anyway, with the fourth of July recently passed, it’s post-holiday time again, and that of course usually means rock-bottom prices on holiday stuff. But this time, Meijer disappoints. I’m not actually looking to buy anything with the red, white and blue holiday motif (my family’s waiting for me in the car as I shop) but I notice there isn’t anything of substance marked down in the main aisles even if I were looking to buy, and that’s surprising. Am I too late? It’s only July 9th…but did I miss it? Have masses of humanity already picked the best merchandise clean before I arrived?
But no. Later in the shopping trip, there they are, the sparklers, Pop-Its (patent pending), and larger packages of fireworks, the ones that every boy knows are the only ones that really matter…IF you were going to buy your 4th of July fireworks at a grocery store.
In Michigan, where anything that a 12 year old would actually think was of a certain ‘coolness’ factor is deemed illegal, you can’t really get the good stuff, the ones that make the really big bangs, the stuff that shoots through the air like, well, a 4th of July rocket should…so you can only hope for an older brother or a generous uncle who’s willing to spend the time (and money) to drive over the southern border and bring back a load of contraband from Indiana where people REALLY know what the 4th of July is about.
If people who sneak illegal immigrants over the Mexican border into the United States are called coyotes, then perhaps we need a nickname for someone who sneaks fireworks into Michigan…”wolverine” would work, but somehow that animal has become too synonymous with the University of Michigan to use it for anything else. Something other than an animal name, perhaps?
Hmmm…
But I’m off topic. Meijer has their version of fireworks, in the large, cellophane-wrapped packages with the multi-colored cardboard backing, but they aren’t marked down yet.
Disappointing.
Again, not that I actually would have bought anything (they never mark fireworks 90% off) but I’m just surprised. Not even a measly 25% discount, nothing.
But I do notice something else.
When I was growing up, a store like Meijer would have maybe 3 or 4 really huge packages of fireworks, the ones that cost like fifty or sixty dollars, and you looked at that package that was as tall as you were, with its pink and orange and green mini-packages inside the giant package, tiny cardboard tubes and boxes with names that any 12-year old boy couldn’t help but admire – things with names like ‘Snapdragon’ or ‘Roman Glory’ – and you knew that only handful of kids in the entire county were going to get to watch those go off on July 4th.
But now, I’m looking at a cardboard display filled to the top with these things.
What gives, I’m wondering?
And what’s more, the prices are actually LESS than they were when I was growing up. You’d now be hard pressed to find a package of fireworks in Meijer for much more than fifty dollars or so. The cardboard package has a pre-printed price in the upper corner that shows the retail price…but then in small letters next to it, it shows the word ‘value’ – as in “$90.00 value” – and then an arrow points to the actual price, which is fifty percent less!!!
How is this possible?
But here’s the thing. We’re still not buying them. I’m forty years old, and if I wanted to, I could pick up any one of those packages, throw it in the grocery cart, and be the envy of every boy in the store who might be watching. So why don’t I?
I’m not sure if it’s the un-coolness of Meijer fireworks – after all, something called a ‘Showering Dragon’ isn’t actually going to do anything other than sit on the ground and shoot sparks three feet into the air…no matter what name you give it.
Or perhaps it’s that I’ve seen how much better Indiana fireworks are.
Or maybe it’s just that my values have changed, and watching things explode once a year isn’t all that important to me. Whatever the case, I’m realizing that we’re not grasping the opportunity we have to be heroes in the eyes of our children, and maybe that’s not all bad.
After all, if we DID come home with m-80’s and mini-cardboard cannons that shoot rockets three hundred feet high, we might not have any hands to grasp WITH and our kids wouldn’t have eyes to see us at all, let alone seeing us as heroes…
Hmmm….
But still no change in the signature pad…
Anyway, with the fourth of July recently passed, it’s post-holiday time again, and that of course usually means rock-bottom prices on holiday stuff. But this time, Meijer disappoints. I’m not actually looking to buy anything with the red, white and blue holiday motif (my family’s waiting for me in the car as I shop) but I notice there isn’t anything of substance marked down in the main aisles even if I were looking to buy, and that’s surprising. Am I too late? It’s only July 9th…but did I miss it? Have masses of humanity already picked the best merchandise clean before I arrived?
But no. Later in the shopping trip, there they are, the sparklers, Pop-Its (patent pending), and larger packages of fireworks, the ones that every boy knows are the only ones that really matter…IF you were going to buy your 4th of July fireworks at a grocery store.
In Michigan, where anything that a 12 year old would actually think was of a certain ‘coolness’ factor is deemed illegal, you can’t really get the good stuff, the ones that make the really big bangs, the stuff that shoots through the air like, well, a 4th of July rocket should…so you can only hope for an older brother or a generous uncle who’s willing to spend the time (and money) to drive over the southern border and bring back a load of contraband from Indiana where people REALLY know what the 4th of July is about.
If people who sneak illegal immigrants over the Mexican border into the United States are called coyotes, then perhaps we need a nickname for someone who sneaks fireworks into Michigan…”wolverine” would work, but somehow that animal has become too synonymous with the University of Michigan to use it for anything else. Something other than an animal name, perhaps?
Hmmm…
But I’m off topic. Meijer has their version of fireworks, in the large, cellophane-wrapped packages with the multi-colored cardboard backing, but they aren’t marked down yet.
Disappointing.
Again, not that I actually would have bought anything (they never mark fireworks 90% off) but I’m just surprised. Not even a measly 25% discount, nothing.
But I do notice something else.
When I was growing up, a store like Meijer would have maybe 3 or 4 really huge packages of fireworks, the ones that cost like fifty or sixty dollars, and you looked at that package that was as tall as you were, with its pink and orange and green mini-packages inside the giant package, tiny cardboard tubes and boxes with names that any 12-year old boy couldn’t help but admire – things with names like ‘Snapdragon’ or ‘Roman Glory’ – and you knew that only handful of kids in the entire county were going to get to watch those go off on July 4th.
But now, I’m looking at a cardboard display filled to the top with these things.
What gives, I’m wondering?
And what’s more, the prices are actually LESS than they were when I was growing up. You’d now be hard pressed to find a package of fireworks in Meijer for much more than fifty dollars or so. The cardboard package has a pre-printed price in the upper corner that shows the retail price…but then in small letters next to it, it shows the word ‘value’ – as in “$90.00 value” – and then an arrow points to the actual price, which is fifty percent less!!!
How is this possible?
But here’s the thing. We’re still not buying them. I’m forty years old, and if I wanted to, I could pick up any one of those packages, throw it in the grocery cart, and be the envy of every boy in the store who might be watching. So why don’t I?
I’m not sure if it’s the un-coolness of Meijer fireworks – after all, something called a ‘Showering Dragon’ isn’t actually going to do anything other than sit on the ground and shoot sparks three feet into the air…no matter what name you give it.
Or perhaps it’s that I’ve seen how much better Indiana fireworks are.
Or maybe it’s just that my values have changed, and watching things explode once a year isn’t all that important to me. Whatever the case, I’m realizing that we’re not grasping the opportunity we have to be heroes in the eyes of our children, and maybe that’s not all bad.
After all, if we DID come home with m-80’s and mini-cardboard cannons that shoot rockets three hundred feet high, we might not have any hands to grasp WITH and our kids wouldn’t have eyes to see us at all, let alone seeing us as heroes…
Hmmm….
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
A Haiku Project
1
Legos vanished now,
Plastic pieces disappeared,
The dog will vomit
2
Money gone like air,
From our battered pocketbooks,
Our net worth shrivels
3
Diapers are like gold
As I drop them in the cart
Grocery bill expands
4
Sharpies are Satan
In the hands of toddler girls
The walls her canvas
5
Teen years loom like clouds,
Ethan’s future rushing in,
Hormones and drama
6
9 year olds are loud
Boisterous shouts and yells and cries
They have one volume
7
TV beckons me,
Shows and pretty people there,
Cable, drug of choice.
8
Alarm clock screaming
Piercing morning’s peaceful sleep,
Why so early, work?
Legos vanished now,
Plastic pieces disappeared,
The dog will vomit
2
Money gone like air,
From our battered pocketbooks,
Our net worth shrivels
3
Diapers are like gold
As I drop them in the cart
Grocery bill expands
4
Sharpies are Satan
In the hands of toddler girls
The walls her canvas
5
Teen years loom like clouds,
Ethan’s future rushing in,
Hormones and drama
6
9 year olds are loud
Boisterous shouts and yells and cries
They have one volume
7
TV beckons me,
Shows and pretty people there,
Cable, drug of choice.
8
Alarm clock screaming
Piercing morning’s peaceful sleep,
Why so early, work?
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The News: 6/16
From the Colbert Report:
Tonight! Was the Iranian election rigged? 120% say yes...
and...
There's no sense in beating a dead horse...unless it's one of those zombie horses, you can't beat them enough...
Tonight! Was the Iranian election rigged? 120% say yes...
and...
There's no sense in beating a dead horse...unless it's one of those zombie horses, you can't beat them enough...
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Unraveling
It's Saturday, 10:41 pm. For a while, it felt like our lives were unraveling at the seams.
Attempting to get all 3 kids to bed, my wife and I send the boys upstairs to get their pajamas on and teeth brushed, while Gillian, at age 2, seems to have more energy at 9:30 at night than she's had all day.
Not that she hasn't been keyed up for a while now. But somehow, she's even louder and MORE energetic now that we're trying to get her to calm down.
Isaac, meanwhile, has been in his own little Isaac world, laughing at what Gillian is doing, content to ignore us while we try to get him to brush his teeth. "But I can't," he's been telling us. "I just...I had one of those -- I ate..." He' s trying, unsuccessfully to tell us he can't brush his teeth because he just had a chocolate no-bake cookie...though I'm not exactly sure WHY this would matter. (Isn't that the point of brushing your teeth, I'm thinking to myself?)
Finally, he's upstairs to get his pajamas on, though he decides to wait on the teeth brushing. Fine, we decide. One battle at a time. Lissa and I try to get Gillian to lay down on the floor so we can get a diaper on her and get her pajamas on (which Isaac eventually brings to us) but instead Gillian has taken an interest in canned goods, and she spends five minutes bringing me cans from the pantry. First, it's garbanzo beans and noodle soup, then, these 2 go back and she returns with more beans and something else...
Unraveling, our world is. At the seams.
Then we finally have Gillian under control at the couch. I'm slipping her pj shirt on her, but that's left Isaac with just enough independence to figure out a NEW way to add some stress to our lives and he's on to bigger and better things; a pink, rubber finger puppet comes out, and he begins the task of distracting his sister -- while I'm trying to dress her -- by hiding behind the half-wall next to the stairs and popping his hand over the rail, which his sister thinks of as high comedy.
"Watch this," Isaac says, as he crouches down behind the stair rail for Act II. And the rubber finger puppet pops up again.
Ethan meanwhile has finished getting ready for bed and is upstairs reading, so score ONE for mom and dad at least. But we've found Gillian has just now picked up a new phrase from Isaac. As we're trying to finish dressing her, she's doing interpretive dance in the living room and kitchen, jumping around in circles and repeating one phrase over and over:
"Watch this."
No thanks.
It doesn't end. Isaac and Ethan are finally in bed (I think) and with pj's on, Gillian makes the 'hug and kiss' rounds one last time to everyone in the house, first mom, then Ethan, and Isaac, and last of all, me, and I put her in bed and pull the covers up. But as I walk out of the boys' room, I catch Isaac trying a new experiment; he's trying to turn the light switch off with his tongue.
I'm not kidding.
Unraveling.
At the seams.
And this 35 minute routine is what we affectionately call 'growing up Stroddy.'
Attempting to get all 3 kids to bed, my wife and I send the boys upstairs to get their pajamas on and teeth brushed, while Gillian, at age 2, seems to have more energy at 9:30 at night than she's had all day.
Not that she hasn't been keyed up for a while now. But somehow, she's even louder and MORE energetic now that we're trying to get her to calm down.
Isaac, meanwhile, has been in his own little Isaac world, laughing at what Gillian is doing, content to ignore us while we try to get him to brush his teeth. "But I can't," he's been telling us. "I just...I had one of those -- I ate..." He' s trying, unsuccessfully to tell us he can't brush his teeth because he just had a chocolate no-bake cookie...though I'm not exactly sure WHY this would matter. (Isn't that the point of brushing your teeth, I'm thinking to myself?)
Finally, he's upstairs to get his pajamas on, though he decides to wait on the teeth brushing. Fine, we decide. One battle at a time. Lissa and I try to get Gillian to lay down on the floor so we can get a diaper on her and get her pajamas on (which Isaac eventually brings to us) but instead Gillian has taken an interest in canned goods, and she spends five minutes bringing me cans from the pantry. First, it's garbanzo beans and noodle soup, then, these 2 go back and she returns with more beans and something else...
Unraveling, our world is. At the seams.
Then we finally have Gillian under control at the couch. I'm slipping her pj shirt on her, but that's left Isaac with just enough independence to figure out a NEW way to add some stress to our lives and he's on to bigger and better things; a pink, rubber finger puppet comes out, and he begins the task of distracting his sister -- while I'm trying to dress her -- by hiding behind the half-wall next to the stairs and popping his hand over the rail, which his sister thinks of as high comedy.
"Watch this," Isaac says, as he crouches down behind the stair rail for Act II. And the rubber finger puppet pops up again.
Ethan meanwhile has finished getting ready for bed and is upstairs reading, so score ONE for mom and dad at least. But we've found Gillian has just now picked up a new phrase from Isaac. As we're trying to finish dressing her, she's doing interpretive dance in the living room and kitchen, jumping around in circles and repeating one phrase over and over:
"Watch this."
No thanks.
It doesn't end. Isaac and Ethan are finally in bed (I think) and with pj's on, Gillian makes the 'hug and kiss' rounds one last time to everyone in the house, first mom, then Ethan, and Isaac, and last of all, me, and I put her in bed and pull the covers up. But as I walk out of the boys' room, I catch Isaac trying a new experiment; he's trying to turn the light switch off with his tongue.
I'm not kidding.
Unraveling.
At the seams.
And this 35 minute routine is what we affectionately call 'growing up Stroddy.'
Monday, June 8, 2009
Spoken by Stephen Colbert
From the Commencement Address at Knox College: "I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat."
Regarding Al Gore and New Orleans: "Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have an inconvenient truth for him: you're still not the president. ... This past weekend, Al Gore's movie, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' earned more per screen than any film in the country. ... I dare say Gore's movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history. ... Global warming: Can we live with it? ... It is time we did something, namely resign ourselves to doing nothing [on screen: Follow Congress' Lead]. ... For instance, when sea levels rise, we'll just build levees [on screen: Worked for New Orleans]"
At the White House Correspondents' Dinner: "To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face."
Also At the Correspondents' Dinner: "I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to America she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world."
On the Middle East: "I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq."
On Tom DeLay: "I'm going to miss him, too. Another classy move from a classy guy. The man who stood tall even as his staffers dropped like laundered nickels from an Indian casino slot machine. ... He's doing it right folks -- going out at the top of his game in the middle of a criminal investigation."
On Funding NASA: "There's a more important reason to keep NASA's programs going strong ... to achieve that greatest of discoveries, the thing we as human beings need most: space oil."
On Liberals: "And don't think you're off the hook, voters, you're the ones who made this bed. Now you're the ones who are going to have to move over so a gay couple can sleep in it. Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high! You know what, I've had it! You people don't deserve a Republican majority! I quit!"
Regarding Al Gore and New Orleans: "Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have an inconvenient truth for him: you're still not the president. ... This past weekend, Al Gore's movie, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' earned more per screen than any film in the country. ... I dare say Gore's movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history. ... Global warming: Can we live with it? ... It is time we did something, namely resign ourselves to doing nothing [on screen: Follow Congress' Lead]. ... For instance, when sea levels rise, we'll just build levees [on screen: Worked for New Orleans]"
At the White House Correspondents' Dinner: "To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face."
Also At the Correspondents' Dinner: "I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to America she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world."
On the Middle East: "I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq."
On Tom DeLay: "I'm going to miss him, too. Another classy move from a classy guy. The man who stood tall even as his staffers dropped like laundered nickels from an Indian casino slot machine. ... He's doing it right folks -- going out at the top of his game in the middle of a criminal investigation."
On Funding NASA: "There's a more important reason to keep NASA's programs going strong ... to achieve that greatest of discoveries, the thing we as human beings need most: space oil."
On Liberals: "And don't think you're off the hook, voters, you're the ones who made this bed. Now you're the ones who are going to have to move over so a gay couple can sleep in it. Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high! You know what, I've had it! You people don't deserve a Republican majority! I quit!"
From Isaac's 2nd Grade Journal
9-8-08 Let me tell you about my family. Last night my dad got stung by lot's of bees. Ethan is in middel school. Gillian staer's at me sometime's. My mom might teach me to tie my shoes again.
(no date) This weekend was cool! I got new shoes on Friday. I know I will be super fast. I might even win a race. I love my shoes very much. That was super duper cool!
9-14-08 This weekend was the best! I learned how to ride a 2-weeler. I was very happy. I wish I could ride one forever. I love my bike very much.
10-20-08 This weekend was great. But yesterday I tripped off my bike. My bike bumped on some rocks. Then there was rocks that made my bike trip. Simon came running over to me. He helped me stand up so I can walk to his house. I left my bike in the dirtpile. His mom put a band-aid on my hand. I felt better. Today my mark still hurts. Good thing I got my bike!
10-27-08 This weekend was fun! On Saturday I went to a Halloween party. It was a great party! On Sunday I went to church because I got to sing on-stage. That was when I was not supposed to be silly. I should have --
(no date) This weekend was fun! I was supposed to sing in Jackson Quire. My mom and dad were there from the Couples Getaway. My grandma and grandpa thought me and Ethan did great, but that had to --
11-10-08 This weekend was outstanding! Because I played with Simon and Sheldon on there Wii Saturday and Sunday. I just can't wait for Thanksgiving. That is when my cusins come again.
11-17-08 This weekend was brilliant! Friday was Caleb day! Me and him had a great time! His dad gave me a new hat and a new water bottel with a belt! My baby-sitter was waiting for me. Then my nanna picked me and Ethan up to her house. We spent the night at her house.
11-24-08 This weekend was fun! Me, Ethan, and Grandpa went to the target palace. We saw it was closed. But men were shooting there. I didnt know why. Then we went in the office. A man let him read a paper. After that, he said we might be in trouble. So we went to his house and did shooting.
12-15-08 This weekend was great! I went to Aunt Pam and Uncle Chucks house to have dinner. I had a turkey and cheese sandwich. Then everyone sat down on the couch to watch cartoons. Then we got off and Aunt Pam made the couch to a bed. Ellie was not on the bed. At 11:00 or 11:30 my parents picked me up. That was the best night ever!
1-5-09 The Christmas was great this year! First, we did a concert at the Free Methodist Church. Then, we went to Grand Rapids for my Grandma and Grandpa house. That is where we celabrate Christmas. On December 27th, it was time to go home. But that is not all. On New Years Eve, the Ar --
1-12-09 This weekend was great. On Sunday, I started my first day of Wii Fit. My Dad alredey set the Balence Board up. There is good news and bad news. The good news is I love to exersise because this makes yourself healthy. That bad news is some moves are hard for me. It should make a diffrenc, but it is hard to tell.
1-20-09 This was a great weekend! I had a fun time on a good break. Now I have a file on Wii Fit. Their are four Training Exerciese Subjects. They are Yoga, Streighnth Training, Abercobs and Balence Games. Their is a Body test also. Then, you have to try to --
1-26-09 This weekend was great! Yesterday there was a party. A birthday party for my friend Sheldon. It was for his stuffed pig. It was exiting because everyone (plus me) had pizza for dinner and treats for dessert. Piggy had a king throne because it was his birthday and he is the king.
2-9-09 This weekend was great! On Saturday I went to my grandma and grandpa's house. It was fun because my cousins Nathan and Ryan came there also. I had a great dinner because part of it was my favorite meat. All I did was I put the fork on the meat like always. Then I lifted the fork with the meat and I ate it all up like a carnivoire. On Sunday it was a --
2-12-09 This weekend was horrible. When I play with my 2-block-away neighbor friends, I don't know why they always are bossing me. And why am I the only one that's thinks I am the worst at science? And why do I master only two subjects at school? And I always think I get no ranks on my report card. I know this is my worst day ever.
2-23-09 This weekend was awsome! I can't wait for Kris's party today. And Josh is so lucky. I wish I could go to Washington. Mabey I could go to Ten(nessee) on Summer break. But I just can not get my mind off Japan or France. In France, I would love to climb the Effle Tower. I never spoke Chiniese before. That will be my wish Then I can teach you guys. It would be a dream come true, I tell you! Or I could got to Africa. I would be able to reserch the animals. But it might be too dagoures!
3-9-09 This weekend was great! On Sunday I did nusury again. This time there wasn't a lot of babies like there was though. But tonight, I am doing a sleepover! I am sleeping at my uncle Lee and aunt Kris's house but I forget where my mom, dad, brother, and sister are going to. On Friday I went to Caleb's house. It was awsome. Well, I hope Caleb's dad is safe right now. He showed me a badge he will show us when he gets back from Afganistan.
3-23-09 This weekend was great! Although we lost all our games at basketball, I did not care. Right? Right. Because basketball does not matter if you win or not. It may be about your teamwork that your team does to do their best. Or your good progress for your health. But what I think it is mostly about is the teamwork about God. He does not walk away to help someone else. He helps people all at once. Tonight is the night all basketball teams get a trophe.
4-6-09 Spring break was a blast! I had a great time with my friends. Ok, well, I'll explain two things, ok? One, forget the arguing, got it? Two, they are not two blocks away. Never forget that. On with my own facts. Last Wensday we went --
4-13-09 The Easter this year was a blast of crosses. On Saturday the Archers, Dirocers and Nana and Papa (witch you shoudent call them) came over to celibrate Ethan's birthday
6-8-09 This schoolyear was fantastic. I liked math, social studies, math-around-the world, almost everything. I didn't like hard math problems for me. I ecspecally didn't like sience. I loved it when Kris and I became friends. I'll teach him to read the bible one day.
(no date) This weekend was cool! I got new shoes on Friday. I know I will be super fast. I might even win a race. I love my shoes very much. That was super duper cool!
9-14-08 This weekend was the best! I learned how to ride a 2-weeler. I was very happy. I wish I could ride one forever. I love my bike very much.
10-20-08 This weekend was great. But yesterday I tripped off my bike. My bike bumped on some rocks. Then there was rocks that made my bike trip. Simon came running over to me. He helped me stand up so I can walk to his house. I left my bike in the dirtpile. His mom put a band-aid on my hand. I felt better. Today my mark still hurts. Good thing I got my bike!
10-27-08 This weekend was fun! On Saturday I went to a Halloween party. It was a great party! On Sunday I went to church because I got to sing on-stage. That was when I was not supposed to be silly. I should have --
(no date) This weekend was fun! I was supposed to sing in Jackson Quire. My mom and dad were there from the Couples Getaway. My grandma and grandpa thought me and Ethan did great, but that had to --
11-10-08 This weekend was outstanding! Because I played with Simon and Sheldon on there Wii Saturday and Sunday. I just can't wait for Thanksgiving. That is when my cusins come again.
11-17-08 This weekend was brilliant! Friday was Caleb day! Me and him had a great time! His dad gave me a new hat and a new water bottel with a belt! My baby-sitter was waiting for me. Then my nanna picked me and Ethan up to her house. We spent the night at her house.
11-24-08 This weekend was fun! Me, Ethan, and Grandpa went to the target palace. We saw it was closed. But men were shooting there. I didnt know why. Then we went in the office. A man let him read a paper. After that, he said we might be in trouble. So we went to his house and did shooting.
12-15-08 This weekend was great! I went to Aunt Pam and Uncle Chucks house to have dinner. I had a turkey and cheese sandwich. Then everyone sat down on the couch to watch cartoons. Then we got off and Aunt Pam made the couch to a bed. Ellie was not on the bed. At 11:00 or 11:30 my parents picked me up. That was the best night ever!
1-5-09 The Christmas was great this year! First, we did a concert at the Free Methodist Church. Then, we went to Grand Rapids for my Grandma and Grandpa house. That is where we celabrate Christmas. On December 27th, it was time to go home. But that is not all. On New Years Eve, the Ar --
1-12-09 This weekend was great. On Sunday, I started my first day of Wii Fit. My Dad alredey set the Balence Board up. There is good news and bad news. The good news is I love to exersise because this makes yourself healthy. That bad news is some moves are hard for me. It should make a diffrenc, but it is hard to tell.
1-20-09 This was a great weekend! I had a fun time on a good break. Now I have a file on Wii Fit. Their are four Training Exerciese Subjects. They are Yoga, Streighnth Training, Abercobs and Balence Games. Their is a Body test also. Then, you have to try to --
1-26-09 This weekend was great! Yesterday there was a party. A birthday party for my friend Sheldon. It was for his stuffed pig. It was exiting because everyone (plus me) had pizza for dinner and treats for dessert. Piggy had a king throne because it was his birthday and he is the king.
2-9-09 This weekend was great! On Saturday I went to my grandma and grandpa's house. It was fun because my cousins Nathan and Ryan came there also. I had a great dinner because part of it was my favorite meat. All I did was I put the fork on the meat like always. Then I lifted the fork with the meat and I ate it all up like a carnivoire. On Sunday it was a --
2-12-09 This weekend was horrible. When I play with my 2-block-away neighbor friends, I don't know why they always are bossing me. And why am I the only one that's thinks I am the worst at science? And why do I master only two subjects at school? And I always think I get no ranks on my report card. I know this is my worst day ever.
2-23-09 This weekend was awsome! I can't wait for Kris's party today. And Josh is so lucky. I wish I could go to Washington. Mabey I could go to Ten(nessee) on Summer break. But I just can not get my mind off Japan or France. In France, I would love to climb the Effle Tower. I never spoke Chiniese before. That will be my wish Then I can teach you guys. It would be a dream come true, I tell you! Or I could got to Africa. I would be able to reserch the animals. But it might be too dagoures!
3-9-09 This weekend was great! On Sunday I did nusury again. This time there wasn't a lot of babies like there was though. But tonight, I am doing a sleepover! I am sleeping at my uncle Lee and aunt Kris's house but I forget where my mom, dad, brother, and sister are going to. On Friday I went to Caleb's house. It was awsome. Well, I hope Caleb's dad is safe right now. He showed me a badge he will show us when he gets back from Afganistan.
3-23-09 This weekend was great! Although we lost all our games at basketball, I did not care. Right? Right. Because basketball does not matter if you win or not. It may be about your teamwork that your team does to do their best. Or your good progress for your health. But what I think it is mostly about is the teamwork about God. He does not walk away to help someone else. He helps people all at once. Tonight is the night all basketball teams get a trophe.
4-6-09 Spring break was a blast! I had a great time with my friends. Ok, well, I'll explain two things, ok? One, forget the arguing, got it? Two, they are not two blocks away. Never forget that. On with my own facts. Last Wensday we went --
4-13-09 The Easter this year was a blast of crosses. On Saturday the Archers, Dirocers and Nana and Papa (witch you shoudent call them) came over to celibrate Ethan's birthday
6-8-09 This schoolyear was fantastic. I liked math, social studies, math-around-the world, almost everything. I didn't like hard math problems for me. I ecspecally didn't like sience. I loved it when Kris and I became friends. I'll teach him to read the bible one day.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Latisse: The Latest Miracle of Modern Medicine
Well, America, we’re finally there. We’ve finally arrived.
It’s happened.
I’m a little embarrassed to say ours boys down in Research and Development here at UnlimitedLicense couldn’t get this accomplished first…but thankfully, the miracles of modern medicine found a way, and the pharmaceutical company Allergan – which previously brought us Botox – got the job done.
After years of waiting – and I can tell you, this has been keeping me up at nights – we finally have prescription medication – PRESCRIPTION medication -- that will grow longer eyelashes.
It’s true. I can hardly believe it, as I’ve waited decades for someone to come along who could solve this problem. Never again will anyone suffering from hypotrichosis (no, I’m not making that up – it actually is a valid medical diagnosis) have to suffer through the embarrassing agony of wishing for slightly longer, thicker eyelash hair.
Who goes to their doctor for this? Who is actually so embarrassed about the length and thickness of their eyelashes that they’re asking a medical doctor if there’s any medication available that will grow longer hair on their eyelids?
And what doctor is on board with prescribing this stuff???
I’d make the suggestion that if you’re that embarrassed about your eyelashes, you may have something more than a medical problem, and perhaps instead of looking to the pharmaceutical industry for help with this problem, it might be time to seek a solution elsewhere…
And of course, EVERY medication has its side effects. Most of those listed for “Latisse” – the trademark label for the drug bimatoprost – are predictable: redness of the eyes, irritation and
itchiness.
But then there’s this, from the Latisse.com website frequently asked questions:
*** “What is skin hyperpigmentation?” This is a common, usually harmless condition in which areas of skin become darker than the surrounding skin color. This occurs when there is an increase in the melanin, the brown pigment that produces normal skin color, in the skin. Skin hyperpigmentation is a possible side effect of LATISSE™, but may be reversible after discontinuation of the product.
Um, ‘may’ be reversible? Just how reversible are we talking, here? I don't know if I --
***“What is elevated intraocular pressure (IOP)? This is a condition where the pressure inside the eye is higher than normal. LATISSE™ may decrease IOP. So talk to your doctor if you are using IOP-lowering medications. Concurrent administration of LATISSE™ and certain IOP-lowering medications in ocular hypertensive patients should be closely monitored for changes in intraocular pressure.
Err…how do I monitor THAT? Is there a --
***”Why do the directions say to only apply LATISSE™ solution to the base of the upper eyelashes?”
Right, rather than the actual eye itself -- I’ll field this question, Steve. Because who would want hairy eyeballs???
Latisse may not be right for you. Ask your doctor.
It’s happened.
I’m a little embarrassed to say ours boys down in Research and Development here at UnlimitedLicense couldn’t get this accomplished first…but thankfully, the miracles of modern medicine found a way, and the pharmaceutical company Allergan – which previously brought us Botox – got the job done.
After years of waiting – and I can tell you, this has been keeping me up at nights – we finally have prescription medication – PRESCRIPTION medication -- that will grow longer eyelashes.
It’s true. I can hardly believe it, as I’ve waited decades for someone to come along who could solve this problem. Never again will anyone suffering from hypotrichosis (no, I’m not making that up – it actually is a valid medical diagnosis) have to suffer through the embarrassing agony of wishing for slightly longer, thicker eyelash hair.
Who goes to their doctor for this? Who is actually so embarrassed about the length and thickness of their eyelashes that they’re asking a medical doctor if there’s any medication available that will grow longer hair on their eyelids?
And what doctor is on board with prescribing this stuff???
I’d make the suggestion that if you’re that embarrassed about your eyelashes, you may have something more than a medical problem, and perhaps instead of looking to the pharmaceutical industry for help with this problem, it might be time to seek a solution elsewhere…
And of course, EVERY medication has its side effects. Most of those listed for “Latisse” – the trademark label for the drug bimatoprost – are predictable: redness of the eyes, irritation and
itchiness.
But then there’s this, from the Latisse.com website frequently asked questions:
*** “What is skin hyperpigmentation?” This is a common, usually harmless condition in which areas of skin become darker than the surrounding skin color. This occurs when there is an increase in the melanin, the brown pigment that produces normal skin color, in the skin. Skin hyperpigmentation is a possible side effect of LATISSE™, but may be reversible after discontinuation of the product.
Um, ‘may’ be reversible? Just how reversible are we talking, here? I don't know if I --
***“What is elevated intraocular pressure (IOP)? This is a condition where the pressure inside the eye is higher than normal. LATISSE™ may decrease IOP. So talk to your doctor if you are using IOP-lowering medications. Concurrent administration of LATISSE™ and certain IOP-lowering medications in ocular hypertensive patients should be closely monitored for changes in intraocular pressure.
Err…how do I monitor THAT? Is there a --
***”Why do the directions say to only apply LATISSE™ solution to the base of the upper eyelashes?”
Right, rather than the actual eye itself -- I’ll field this question, Steve. Because who would want hairy eyeballs???
Latisse may not be right for you. Ask your doctor.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Despite the humor of my last post, the last few weeks I’ve been in a funk, and I’m realizing it was for several reasons.
First, let me say that financially, we’ve had a couple of atomic bombs dropped on us recently. About two weeks ago the riding mower that my in-laws gave to us a couple years ago stopped working. You might think, well just buy a new mower, right? Get rid of this one? But it’s a zero-turn-radius Dixon, which costs several thousand dollars…so discarding it never really felt like a reasonable option. The engine apparently threw a push rod, which meant that rather than trying to actually repair the engine itself, a cheaper and easier alternative would be buying a new engine.
I was able to find one on Ebay for just under $500 with shipping, which I was greatly relieved to find…but still, it’s $500 we hadn’t quite itemized into the “Lawn and Garden/Landscaping” portion of our monthly budget. And also, the engine I bought needs an exhaust system which didn’t come with it, a new throttle cable, and of course, we’re having it installed for us…which all add to the cost of these repairs…
Also, we found out this week from our orthodontist that both our boys will be getting braces in the next couple months – and both are needing to have teeth pulled. While I do have excellent dental insurance, it’s still a motherload of information for us to process through. And our orthodontist informed us that we have to pay one lump sum up front, and then pay monthly dental bills up front, for which we then get reimbursed through my dental plan.
But still, I heard someone once say if you have a problem that money will fix, then you don’t really have a very interesting problem…
What I think really started me down the road to this mild depression, though, was seeing a person in our community die in a car accident.
Mrs. Page was a local teacher greatly, greatly loved by her family, friends, and students. She passed away about ten days ago in a car accident, an event that roared into the community like a tornado and left a lot of people feeling completely devastated. And knowing her family, her death just seemed inconceivable. Her husband has cancer; her son is in remission from two forms of leukemia; her dad passed away of cancer this last year, and her mother was diagnosed with cancer around the same time her dad was…
I have this image in my mind, a sort of representation of the way our lives are lived, and it’s this: I see myself walking on a long plank of wood that’s balanced on a fulcrum. The plank represents the amount of time we hope we have to live our lives – eighty years, maybe? ninety if we’re lucky? – and we start out walking along the plank on a steep incline.
Those first years you live seem to take forever. You’re a kid, and it seems like all you want to do is get to the next stage, whatever that is…first, you want to be a teenager so people will stop treating you like a child, then when you’re a teen, you want to be old enough to drive…and then you can’t wait to be old enough to move out of your parents’ house and get your own apartment.
Then, we’re often looking to get married…then, we want kids…more job experience to get a better paying job…then a comfortable retirement…
And for me, I think what’s really put me in a funk these past few weeks is feeling like I’m already at the fulcrum, like life is suddenly rushing me forward faster than I can handle, I’m wishing for the next step, and the next step, and not living in the moment.
Somehow when this teacher died, I started realizing how many people I’ve known that have passed away. Just in the time I’ve been at Albion, I’ve seen maybe two dozen local people disappear…
Blanche, who worked at the bank I used…I came in one Monday afternoon, and found out she’d passed away that weekend.
Bobbie, who used to work at a local liquor store…he was shot and killed by a fellow employee…
Mr. Seiler, who used to own a car dealership and several other businesses across the country. A heck of a nice guy with very salty language, who always drove big, fat American cars and complained that the Japanese could design a reliable car, but never a comfortable one. He died five or six years ago…
Gary, the local AAA insurance salesman who had a bad fall a few years ago that he never really recovered fun…he ended up dying about two years later.
I could go on, but you get the idea. And all these people I’ve listed are only people I’ve known through work. There are perhaps a couple dozen more I could think of that we’ve known through the community we live in, through our church, etc.
I was thinking about all of this in relation to the fulcrum metaphor, and I realized that if we live long enough, we all come to a point in our lives when we have more close friends that have passed away than are living. That thought really hit me hard for some reason, and I think it’s because it says something about human existence and human suffering.
There is no question that life for all of us will be hard, the only question is: will it be bearable?
I finished reading the Book of Matthew, yesterday, and flipped through the concordance in my Bible to find references for the word ‘hope’ – and I ended up in Lamentations, which seemed to feel somehow right, a representation of where I’ve felt I’m at…and perhaps the only way to end this post:
“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” (Lam. 3:19-24)
First, let me say that financially, we’ve had a couple of atomic bombs dropped on us recently. About two weeks ago the riding mower that my in-laws gave to us a couple years ago stopped working. You might think, well just buy a new mower, right? Get rid of this one? But it’s a zero-turn-radius Dixon, which costs several thousand dollars…so discarding it never really felt like a reasonable option. The engine apparently threw a push rod, which meant that rather than trying to actually repair the engine itself, a cheaper and easier alternative would be buying a new engine.
I was able to find one on Ebay for just under $500 with shipping, which I was greatly relieved to find…but still, it’s $500 we hadn’t quite itemized into the “Lawn and Garden/Landscaping” portion of our monthly budget. And also, the engine I bought needs an exhaust system which didn’t come with it, a new throttle cable, and of course, we’re having it installed for us…which all add to the cost of these repairs…
Also, we found out this week from our orthodontist that both our boys will be getting braces in the next couple months – and both are needing to have teeth pulled. While I do have excellent dental insurance, it’s still a motherload of information for us to process through. And our orthodontist informed us that we have to pay one lump sum up front, and then pay monthly dental bills up front, for which we then get reimbursed through my dental plan.
But still, I heard someone once say if you have a problem that money will fix, then you don’t really have a very interesting problem…
What I think really started me down the road to this mild depression, though, was seeing a person in our community die in a car accident.
Mrs. Page was a local teacher greatly, greatly loved by her family, friends, and students. She passed away about ten days ago in a car accident, an event that roared into the community like a tornado and left a lot of people feeling completely devastated. And knowing her family, her death just seemed inconceivable. Her husband has cancer; her son is in remission from two forms of leukemia; her dad passed away of cancer this last year, and her mother was diagnosed with cancer around the same time her dad was…
I have this image in my mind, a sort of representation of the way our lives are lived, and it’s this: I see myself walking on a long plank of wood that’s balanced on a fulcrum. The plank represents the amount of time we hope we have to live our lives – eighty years, maybe? ninety if we’re lucky? – and we start out walking along the plank on a steep incline.
Those first years you live seem to take forever. You’re a kid, and it seems like all you want to do is get to the next stage, whatever that is…first, you want to be a teenager so people will stop treating you like a child, then when you’re a teen, you want to be old enough to drive…and then you can’t wait to be old enough to move out of your parents’ house and get your own apartment.
Then, we’re often looking to get married…then, we want kids…more job experience to get a better paying job…then a comfortable retirement…
And for me, I think what’s really put me in a funk these past few weeks is feeling like I’m already at the fulcrum, like life is suddenly rushing me forward faster than I can handle, I’m wishing for the next step, and the next step, and not living in the moment.
Somehow when this teacher died, I started realizing how many people I’ve known that have passed away. Just in the time I’ve been at Albion, I’ve seen maybe two dozen local people disappear…
Blanche, who worked at the bank I used…I came in one Monday afternoon, and found out she’d passed away that weekend.
Bobbie, who used to work at a local liquor store…he was shot and killed by a fellow employee…
Mr. Seiler, who used to own a car dealership and several other businesses across the country. A heck of a nice guy with very salty language, who always drove big, fat American cars and complained that the Japanese could design a reliable car, but never a comfortable one. He died five or six years ago…
Gary, the local AAA insurance salesman who had a bad fall a few years ago that he never really recovered fun…he ended up dying about two years later.
I could go on, but you get the idea. And all these people I’ve listed are only people I’ve known through work. There are perhaps a couple dozen more I could think of that we’ve known through the community we live in, through our church, etc.
I was thinking about all of this in relation to the fulcrum metaphor, and I realized that if we live long enough, we all come to a point in our lives when we have more close friends that have passed away than are living. That thought really hit me hard for some reason, and I think it’s because it says something about human existence and human suffering.
There is no question that life for all of us will be hard, the only question is: will it be bearable?
I finished reading the Book of Matthew, yesterday, and flipped through the concordance in my Bible to find references for the word ‘hope’ – and I ended up in Lamentations, which seemed to feel somehow right, a representation of where I’ve felt I’m at…and perhaps the only way to end this post:
“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” (Lam. 3:19-24)
Thursday, May 28, 2009
After a short hiatus, UnlimitedLicense is back. During the past few weeks, the sabbatical I was on allowed me time for inner reflection, for careful consideration and meditation…even enlightenment.
Oh, one thing I need to add here for the boys in our Revenue Department: “This week’s enlightenment is brought to you by Budweiser, the King of Beers! When you need enlightenment, reach for a Bud – this Bud’s for YOU!”
Okay, with that out of the way….
How about a horribly embarrassing story???
Okay, actually that’s not really true, reader. YOU shouldn’t feel embarrassed about what I’m about to type, only my BROTHER should feel a little trepidation at this point.
On May 27, 1975, James was born into our family turning three Stroddys into four, a nice round number that we settled on from that point forward. So with him turning 34 this week, what better way to celebrate than by dusting the cobwebs off a few stories from our childhood at his expense???
The summer I was twelve – which would mean James had just turned six – I begged and pleaded with our mom to let me ‘baby sit’ him, rather than sending us to the babysitter we’d previously been with all year. I was old enough, right? I could handle this responsibility, yes? And besides, it wasn’t like there was anything complicated in hanging out with a kindergartner…
I typed the term ‘baby sit’ in the previous paragraph in parentheses purposely to indicate a couple of things. First, I don’t think that what I did that summer in any way involved ‘sitting’ on anything, or even really any ‘baby’ for that matter – which I guess just goes to show I had no idea what I was going to really be doing when I volunteered for the job…And second, I don’t think that what I ended up doing that summer would really line up very well with what babysitters usually do.
Don’t get me wrong, reader. I didn’t lose my brother, I didn’t burn the house down…Nothing major really ever got broken or anything like that.
It’s just that nothing really constructive was accomplished, either. We’d sleep in until maybe 9 am, then watch lousy morning t.v. while eating three or four bowls of Lucky Charms or Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, followed by a game we’d invented that was a sort of hybrid of indoor football, wrestling, and Olympic sprinting that involved James starting on one end of the house and trying to get past me and into the living room doorway, eventually jumping into the room and sometimes onto the couch.
But that’s another blog post…
So things were going pretty well, except that James kept wanting to do things that I, with a wisdom far beyond my twelve years, didn’t think he should be doing.
I don’t really remember what the things were exactly that he wanted to do, and it doesn’t really matter for the point of this story. Because with me at age twelve – and him at age five – we disagreed about everything, all the time, day in and day out.
We argued about what we were going to do that day…what we should have for lunch…what he should be wearing…
And it’s this last one that provides the most embarrassment for him, and consequently, the most amusement for you.
He came down one morning wearing nothing but a green t-shirt, which doesn’t in itself seem odd, kids wear that kind of thing to bed all the time, except he was wearing his like a pair of pants, with his feet through the arm holes, the shirt tail hoisted up to his neck, and his, err, derriere hanging out of the neck hole for all the world to see.
He thought this was hysterical. And I did, too, for the first few minutes. But then when I told him he needed to get dressed (why, exactly, did I tell him this? I’m not sure – we weren’t going anywhere, no one was coming over…hmmm….) he just kept laughing and jumping around and doing a little leprechaun dance with his butt hanging out.
“Get dressed,” I said in my most serious voice.
He danced and laughed.
“Jamie, seriously, you need to get your clothes on,” I said, trying to sound very stern and grown up.
Still, the dance continued.
“Look, are you going to get dressed, or not?”
The dance continued. Apparently implying his answer was ‘not.’
And so, with no other option I could think of, I shoved him outside our front door and into the bright sunshine on our front porch, at which point he still danced, but it was a different sort of dance, changing from one of merriment and frolicking into the sort of panicky thing a person might do if he found he was on fire with no immediate source of water around to put it out.
I didn’t torment him too long. When I started to see traffic pass by and people looking at him from their cars, I thought somebody might call the police so I finally let him back inside.
Which all goes to show, I guess, what a horrible idea it was for me to have this responsibility at age twelve.
But also shows how DEEPLY I cared about my brother’s personal hygiene, right? That I would take the time to patiently reprimand him about his choice of attire, pointing out the inefficacy of his choice of wardrobe, how drafty it might feel were he to go in public dressed this way…
So nearly thirty years later, here we are.
Run Free and True, Dancing Half-Naked Leprechaun Boy!!! Run Like the Wind!!!
And happy 34th…
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Regarding the Miraculous...
"The extreme greatness of Christianity lies in the fact that it does not seek a supernatural remedy for suffering, but a supernatural use for it." -- Simone Weil
I’m not a Bible scholar by any means, but I do try to read something from the Bible every day. And right now, I’m plodding through the book of Matthew.
I say plodding not because I’m not enjoying it – I am, very much – and not because it’s taking longer than I want it to. It IS taking me a long time to get through, but not in a bad way. Rather, as I’ve been reading, I’m finding that Matthew is becoming one of my favorite books.
From what I’ve read, Matthew paints one of the most fascinating pictures of Jesus -- and there are so many passages that I find very slippery and mysterious, and I’m taking joy in my lack of understanding it all.
As the first of the four Gospels, you might think it would paint an easier, more direct picture of Jesus. And yet, the more I read, the more I find that, even as someone raised in a very conservative Christian church, there are more and more parts of it that I don’t remember reading before.
I’m about halfway through it right now, in Chapter 15, where Jesus, after again confounding the Pharisees, performs more miracles, including healing a Canaanite woman and feeding four thousand people near the Sea of Galilee. Earlier in the book of Matthew, he’d already healed the sick ‘throughout Galilee’, healed a man with leprosy, healed a Centurion’s servant, healed two demon-possessed men, healed a man with paralysis, brought the daughter of a ruler back to life, and healed the blind and mute.
I have read that many branches of Christianity read these stories of the miraculous in different ways. For some – like the church I was raised in – they are meant to be taken very literally; we see Jesus in a direct, overt way, bringing supernatural power to touch people and heal them. We’re supposed to use this as an example, to ourselves grasp that power and act as Jesus did. The fact that many of these people had suffered for years only demonstrates how the power of God is able to overcome any difficulty, regardless of history or circumstance.
But for some Christian traditions, the stories are meant as a kind of allegory. Maybe Jesus really did heal many of these people, but that isn’t necessarily the point – rather, the portrayal laid out in the four Gospel books is meant to provide a framework for the Church, a guide to what is possible through the power of God. Jesus brought compassion and healing to the lost in society, and we are encouraged to do the same in whatever way we can, though it isn’t necessarily supposed to mean we’re doing these things supernaturally.
Much of this was explained more eloquently and in better detail in Brian McLaren's book, "A Generous Orthodoxy."
Both views, I suppose, have validity, and there’s a danger inherent in being closed to either idea. On the one hand, if we ONLY believe these miracles are meant to be taken literally, at face value, then what do we make of instances in which people pray for healing and it doesn’t happen? And if we ONLY have an allegorical view of the miracles Jesus performed, is the Church selling itself short by not allowing the power of God to work to its full potential?
But beyond these ideas, a third one came to mind as I was reading. And that is, that it seems to me Jesus always granted the miraculous to those who had no other hope of finding healing or relief. When he feeds four thousand people in Chapter 15it isn’t just because they’re hungry: “I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, or they may collapse on the way.” (Matthew 15:32) They are perhaps miles away from any food source…
In contrast, the Pharisees and Sadduccees come to Jesus in the next chapter, and ask for a miraculous sign from heaven; and they are quickly rebuked. “When evening comes, you say, ‘It will be fair weather, for the sky is red,’ and in the morning, ‘Today it will be stormy, for the sky is red and overcast.’ You know how to interpret the appearance of the sky, but you cannot interpret the signs of the times. A wicked and adulterous generation looks for a miraculous sign, but none will be given it except the sign of Jonah.” (16:2-4)
I guess from all of this, I take away two ideas…first, I see the underlying message being spelled out that God helps those who help themselves – we’re not to rely on the miraculous when it isn’t necessary, because that isn’t what faith is about. Handling poisonous snakes for the sake of doing something dangerous to prove the power of God is beyond foolhardy – it’s in violation of what we’re meant to be doing with our time and effort, especially when so many people are suffering and need our help.
And second, I believe, the miraculous is real…it’s just that in the present age we live in, it’s becoming less and less necessary. Is there a necessity to miraculously stretch tiny amounts of our food to feed the hungry, when our real problem in feeding the poor in places like Africa is one of distribution? We have enough food to feed the world…how do we get it to people in countries ruled by dictators who refuse to give that food to those who need it most?
But that’s not to say it’s NEVER necessary. We still pray in my church. We still pray for the miraculous, for healing, for peace. People will always have needs that aren’t met by modern medicine or modern conveniences.
I hope we never sell ourselves short in this respect…
I’m not a Bible scholar by any means, but I do try to read something from the Bible every day. And right now, I’m plodding through the book of Matthew.
I say plodding not because I’m not enjoying it – I am, very much – and not because it’s taking longer than I want it to. It IS taking me a long time to get through, but not in a bad way. Rather, as I’ve been reading, I’m finding that Matthew is becoming one of my favorite books.
From what I’ve read, Matthew paints one of the most fascinating pictures of Jesus -- and there are so many passages that I find very slippery and mysterious, and I’m taking joy in my lack of understanding it all.
As the first of the four Gospels, you might think it would paint an easier, more direct picture of Jesus. And yet, the more I read, the more I find that, even as someone raised in a very conservative Christian church, there are more and more parts of it that I don’t remember reading before.
I’m about halfway through it right now, in Chapter 15, where Jesus, after again confounding the Pharisees, performs more miracles, including healing a Canaanite woman and feeding four thousand people near the Sea of Galilee. Earlier in the book of Matthew, he’d already healed the sick ‘throughout Galilee’, healed a man with leprosy, healed a Centurion’s servant, healed two demon-possessed men, healed a man with paralysis, brought the daughter of a ruler back to life, and healed the blind and mute.
I have read that many branches of Christianity read these stories of the miraculous in different ways. For some – like the church I was raised in – they are meant to be taken very literally; we see Jesus in a direct, overt way, bringing supernatural power to touch people and heal them. We’re supposed to use this as an example, to ourselves grasp that power and act as Jesus did. The fact that many of these people had suffered for years only demonstrates how the power of God is able to overcome any difficulty, regardless of history or circumstance.
But for some Christian traditions, the stories are meant as a kind of allegory. Maybe Jesus really did heal many of these people, but that isn’t necessarily the point – rather, the portrayal laid out in the four Gospel books is meant to provide a framework for the Church, a guide to what is possible through the power of God. Jesus brought compassion and healing to the lost in society, and we are encouraged to do the same in whatever way we can, though it isn’t necessarily supposed to mean we’re doing these things supernaturally.
Much of this was explained more eloquently and in better detail in Brian McLaren's book, "A Generous Orthodoxy."
Both views, I suppose, have validity, and there’s a danger inherent in being closed to either idea. On the one hand, if we ONLY believe these miracles are meant to be taken literally, at face value, then what do we make of instances in which people pray for healing and it doesn’t happen? And if we ONLY have an allegorical view of the miracles Jesus performed, is the Church selling itself short by not allowing the power of God to work to its full potential?
But beyond these ideas, a third one came to mind as I was reading. And that is, that it seems to me Jesus always granted the miraculous to those who had no other hope of finding healing or relief. When he feeds four thousand people in Chapter 15it isn’t just because they’re hungry: “I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, or they may collapse on the way.” (Matthew 15:32) They are perhaps miles away from any food source…
In contrast, the Pharisees and Sadduccees come to Jesus in the next chapter, and ask for a miraculous sign from heaven; and they are quickly rebuked. “When evening comes, you say, ‘It will be fair weather, for the sky is red,’ and in the morning, ‘Today it will be stormy, for the sky is red and overcast.’ You know how to interpret the appearance of the sky, but you cannot interpret the signs of the times. A wicked and adulterous generation looks for a miraculous sign, but none will be given it except the sign of Jonah.” (16:2-4)
I guess from all of this, I take away two ideas…first, I see the underlying message being spelled out that God helps those who help themselves – we’re not to rely on the miraculous when it isn’t necessary, because that isn’t what faith is about. Handling poisonous snakes for the sake of doing something dangerous to prove the power of God is beyond foolhardy – it’s in violation of what we’re meant to be doing with our time and effort, especially when so many people are suffering and need our help.
And second, I believe, the miraculous is real…it’s just that in the present age we live in, it’s becoming less and less necessary. Is there a necessity to miraculously stretch tiny amounts of our food to feed the hungry, when our real problem in feeding the poor in places like Africa is one of distribution? We have enough food to feed the world…how do we get it to people in countries ruled by dictators who refuse to give that food to those who need it most?
But that’s not to say it’s NEVER necessary. We still pray in my church. We still pray for the miraculous, for healing, for peace. People will always have needs that aren’t met by modern medicine or modern conveniences.
I hope we never sell ourselves short in this respect…
A Brave New Prophetic Voice: Condi Speaks
“Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right.” Prov. 20:11
I was fascinated to hear former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s response to a question asked this week by a fourth grader.
The former Secretary of State was taking questions from a group of students at a school in Washington D.C. According to the Washington Post, the questions weren’t screened (oopsy…) and after several ‘innocuous’ questions (language used by the Post) a 4th grader then asked this:
What did Rice think about the things President Obama's administration was saying about the methods the Bush administration had used to get information from detainees?
And her response, after first explaining she didn’t want to criticize the Obama Administration, was quoted in the Post as this:
"Let me just say that President Bush was very clear that he wanted to do everything he could to protect the country. After September 11, we wanted to protect the country. But he was also very clear that we would do nothing, nothing, that was against the law or against our obligations internationally. So the president was only willing to authorize policies that were legal in order to protect the country. I hope you understand that it was a very difficult time. We were all so terrified of another attack on the country. September 11 was the worst day of my life in government, watching 3,000 Americans die. . . . Even under those most difficult circumstances, the president was not prepared to do something illegal, and I hope people understand that we were trying to protect the country."
Let me add, here, that I am:
--An Evangelical Christian
--Generally a Moderate Conservative
--Traditionally a Republican Voter
--In the 36 to 64 demographic
--Middle Class
--A Midwesterner
…and her response makes the hair on my neck stand up, and it gives me a sense of dread in my stomach.
I won’t make a comment on whether or not we should be waterboarding people to get information -- it isn’t productive, in my opinion, at this point in our history and the past is the past; I won’t comment on whether waterboarding meets the technical definition of torture as outlined in the standards of the Geneva Convention we’re supposedly adhering to, because that isn’t the point of this blog post; and I won’t even comment on how hypocritical Rice’s words are, especially in light of the fact that our actions were so disgraceful that we invented a new term – “extraordinary rendition” – to allow other countries to do what we didn’t want to be accused of doing on American soil.
Beyond all of these things, though, let me say that with regard to any and all of the detainees we took into custody under the Bush Administration – from the people being held at Guantanamo Bay to the Abu Ghraib prisoners to any of the foreign nationals we hauled all over the globe – to suggest that what we did to these people was necessary because of the fear Americans held after 9-11 is perhaps the biggest miscarriage of justice created by the Bush Administration.
We were in essence being told that we were spineless; we couldn’t make our own decisions; we needed the government to take care of us; we didn’t have the courage to return to the normal routines of our lives.
Because approximately 3000 people died in a series of terrorist attacks.
For reference, about 40,000 people die each year – 100 each day – from car crashes. This month alone, more people will die from car accidents than were killed on 9-11.
And there are still many cars out there on the road; should we be terrified of them? We are much more likely to die from a car crash than a terrorist attack, and the men who carried out the attacks of 9-11 are all dead.
This all brings to my mind what we did to Asians during World War II in the name of ‘fear’; we couldn’t have a bunch of Asian people just wandering the country, could we? After all, we were at war with Japan. So in the name of protection, we locked up thousands of Japanese-Americans in internment camps around the United States.
Perhaps most ironic of all, for me at least, is the method the U.S. used to create
internment camps: The Executive Order.
And this was exactly what George Bush used throughout his presidency to side-step the guarantees, the checks and balances, that the framers of the U.S. Constitution set up.
So was it right to send the Japanese to internment camps? Was this fair? Was this justice? I’m sure at the time, being asked these questions, people were responding with answers about necessity and taking 'extraordinary measures during extraordinary times'…and that this was only temporary.
And yet if we just repeated these types atrocities, these types of human rights violations, under George Bush, were those 'extraordinary measures' really temporary? If the Bush Administration got to do whatever it wanted to in the name of protection, have we made any progress???
Since 1944???
Oddly, I feel a sense of relief. Not that we, the United States, tortured, of course, and not that we won’t do it again. And the fact that these things are out in the open doesn’t really make me feel any better either.
Rather, I’m glad that with the Bush Administration hopefully behind us (and getting farther every day) we can finally begin to move into a new phase in which the international community doesn’t despise us for saying one thing and doing something else.
And hopefully get past using 'protection from terrorism' as a justification for our actions...
I was fascinated to hear former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s response to a question asked this week by a fourth grader.
The former Secretary of State was taking questions from a group of students at a school in Washington D.C. According to the Washington Post, the questions weren’t screened (oopsy…) and after several ‘innocuous’ questions (language used by the Post) a 4th grader then asked this:
What did Rice think about the things President Obama's administration was saying about the methods the Bush administration had used to get information from detainees?
And her response, after first explaining she didn’t want to criticize the Obama Administration, was quoted in the Post as this:
"Let me just say that President Bush was very clear that he wanted to do everything he could to protect the country. After September 11, we wanted to protect the country. But he was also very clear that we would do nothing, nothing, that was against the law or against our obligations internationally. So the president was only willing to authorize policies that were legal in order to protect the country. I hope you understand that it was a very difficult time. We were all so terrified of another attack on the country. September 11 was the worst day of my life in government, watching 3,000 Americans die. . . . Even under those most difficult circumstances, the president was not prepared to do something illegal, and I hope people understand that we were trying to protect the country."
Let me add, here, that I am:
--An Evangelical Christian
--Generally a Moderate Conservative
--Traditionally a Republican Voter
--In the 36 to 64 demographic
--Middle Class
--A Midwesterner
…and her response makes the hair on my neck stand up, and it gives me a sense of dread in my stomach.
I won’t make a comment on whether or not we should be waterboarding people to get information -- it isn’t productive, in my opinion, at this point in our history and the past is the past; I won’t comment on whether waterboarding meets the technical definition of torture as outlined in the standards of the Geneva Convention we’re supposedly adhering to, because that isn’t the point of this blog post; and I won’t even comment on how hypocritical Rice’s words are, especially in light of the fact that our actions were so disgraceful that we invented a new term – “extraordinary rendition” – to allow other countries to do what we didn’t want to be accused of doing on American soil.
Beyond all of these things, though, let me say that with regard to any and all of the detainees we took into custody under the Bush Administration – from the people being held at Guantanamo Bay to the Abu Ghraib prisoners to any of the foreign nationals we hauled all over the globe – to suggest that what we did to these people was necessary because of the fear Americans held after 9-11 is perhaps the biggest miscarriage of justice created by the Bush Administration.
We were in essence being told that we were spineless; we couldn’t make our own decisions; we needed the government to take care of us; we didn’t have the courage to return to the normal routines of our lives.
Because approximately 3000 people died in a series of terrorist attacks.
For reference, about 40,000 people die each year – 100 each day – from car crashes. This month alone, more people will die from car accidents than were killed on 9-11.
And there are still many cars out there on the road; should we be terrified of them? We are much more likely to die from a car crash than a terrorist attack, and the men who carried out the attacks of 9-11 are all dead.
This all brings to my mind what we did to Asians during World War II in the name of ‘fear’; we couldn’t have a bunch of Asian people just wandering the country, could we? After all, we were at war with Japan. So in the name of protection, we locked up thousands of Japanese-Americans in internment camps around the United States.
Perhaps most ironic of all, for me at least, is the method the U.S. used to create
internment camps: The Executive Order.
And this was exactly what George Bush used throughout his presidency to side-step the guarantees, the checks and balances, that the framers of the U.S. Constitution set up.
So was it right to send the Japanese to internment camps? Was this fair? Was this justice? I’m sure at the time, being asked these questions, people were responding with answers about necessity and taking 'extraordinary measures during extraordinary times'…and that this was only temporary.
And yet if we just repeated these types atrocities, these types of human rights violations, under George Bush, were those 'extraordinary measures' really temporary? If the Bush Administration got to do whatever it wanted to in the name of protection, have we made any progress???
Since 1944???
Oddly, I feel a sense of relief. Not that we, the United States, tortured, of course, and not that we won’t do it again. And the fact that these things are out in the open doesn’t really make me feel any better either.
Rather, I’m glad that with the Bush Administration hopefully behind us (and getting farther every day) we can finally begin to move into a new phase in which the international community doesn’t despise us for saying one thing and doing something else.
And hopefully get past using 'protection from terrorism' as a justification for our actions...
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Worst...Night...Ever...
What is the worst nightmare you’ve ever had???
I’ve always had a great relationship with sleep, we get along really well – I’m generally not the type of person who has difficulty in falling asleep quickly or with staying asleep once I’m out, but last night…
Wow. I think I had the second worst nightmare I’ve dreamt in the 40+ years that I’ve been a professional sleeper.
The absolute worst nightmare I’ve ever had occurred about eleven years ago, when our son Ethan was still an infant. He was at the crawling and climbing stage, walking but not really comfortably yet. And in that dream…
…I have Ethan – his tiny little infant body, held precariously in my left arm – as I’m climbing a structure that reminds me of the Watson/Crick DNA model I learned about in seventh grade, the double helix that’s like a ladder. The room – but it isn’t a room, not exactly – rather, the space I’m in is all black, black background with no form or shape, and I’m climbing very slowly up this ladder-like model one hand-hold at a time.
And as I get to the top, I’m relieved because I’ve made it, though who knows why I’ve been climbing…and then it happens, Ethans wiggles as I’m trying to hold him, and he topples from my arms, off the top of the ladder-thing, and I snatch at him to try and stop him from falling but he goes falling down and I realize I’ve failed as his body slips away from me…
…and I wake up. Didn’t really get much sleep that night at all, I’m afraid.
But last night’s was almost as bad,…
…because it’s Ethan again, only this time the 12 year old Ethan. We’re all (I’m not sure who ‘all’ is) in a basement, concrete walls, damp feel, dank smell, and the lighting is creeping me out, because it’s fluorescent but there aren’t any fluorescent lights overhead, the light source is coming from somewhere unseen…
But we’re all searching just the same, it’s like a scene from a t.v. show – wandering down long tunnels, and two girls are in trouble and we don’t know if we’ll get to them in time. I think they’ve been kidnapped but I’m not sure…
And then someone yells out that they’ve found ‘the door’, and sure enough, as we all rush over, Ethan pushes through to the front of the crowd and opens the passage, a twenty inch door that he steps through. He goes in because he has the cutting tool, a thing made of plexiglass but shaped like a ray gun you might see in a ‘B’ sci-fi movie.
So he’s through the first door, in a small passage that is barred by a second door to the right. It’s this second door he’s going to use the gun on, and he holds it up, waits for a second for it to charge, and I see, from where I’m standing outside the room, that as the ray gun goes off, it lights Ethan’s face up like he’s watching an atomic bomb go off in the distance. There’s no explosion, the gun just sort of melts the door away…
And I rush through the two doorways. But the two girls that I thought would be there aren’t. Instead, the sense of dread crashes on me like a tsunami as I see a large pile of leaves and sticks with a red phone cord coming out of it, leading to a red phone on the ground in front of me. I pick up the receiver and listen.
There’s a tremendous amount of static in the background, but it’s a recorded message that plays over and over, with the voice of the older of the two girls saying very matter of factly (though I can barely hear her), “Better hurry up…time’s running out…”
And I suddenly know what to do…I drop the phone to the ground, climb over it, and begin digging through the pile of leaves where I realize the two girls are buried…and a second later, a hand comes reaching from the ground, and I try to pull her out…
…and I wake up.
At this point, it was around 2:30 in the morning, I think. With the dread I was feeling, I couldn’t let myself fall back into the dream, because I couldn’t stand the thought of going back to that. And then I heard a loud ‘thump!’ from downstairs? the basement? outside on the deck? I wasn’t sure, and I ended up getting out of bed checking every door and every room in our house, but nothing was there.
Then, about ten minutes later, Gillian woke up for the first time. I say first, but truthfully, after I finally got her back into bed I don’t think she ever really did get back to sleep until the morning. At one point, Lissa got up with her, tried to get her to calm down, and then brought her into bed with us. This lasted about fifteen minutes, I think; I can only take a foot being stuck into my back so many times before I start to get a little testy…
But as I'm writing all this down I'm wondering about the significance of the two dreams. Specifically, why are my two worst nightmares involving my oldest son? Is there any thread, any relationship between the two dreams other than him? And for any of you reading this who are interested in the whole dream interpretation thing (and I know a couple of you are) what's the significance of the pieces I remember?
(Um, is there something really wrong with me???)
I’ve always had a great relationship with sleep, we get along really well – I’m generally not the type of person who has difficulty in falling asleep quickly or with staying asleep once I’m out, but last night…
Wow. I think I had the second worst nightmare I’ve dreamt in the 40+ years that I’ve been a professional sleeper.
The absolute worst nightmare I’ve ever had occurred about eleven years ago, when our son Ethan was still an infant. He was at the crawling and climbing stage, walking but not really comfortably yet. And in that dream…
…I have Ethan – his tiny little infant body, held precariously in my left arm – as I’m climbing a structure that reminds me of the Watson/Crick DNA model I learned about in seventh grade, the double helix that’s like a ladder. The room – but it isn’t a room, not exactly – rather, the space I’m in is all black, black background with no form or shape, and I’m climbing very slowly up this ladder-like model one hand-hold at a time.
And as I get to the top, I’m relieved because I’ve made it, though who knows why I’ve been climbing…and then it happens, Ethans wiggles as I’m trying to hold him, and he topples from my arms, off the top of the ladder-thing, and I snatch at him to try and stop him from falling but he goes falling down and I realize I’ve failed as his body slips away from me…
…and I wake up. Didn’t really get much sleep that night at all, I’m afraid.
But last night’s was almost as bad,…
…because it’s Ethan again, only this time the 12 year old Ethan. We’re all (I’m not sure who ‘all’ is) in a basement, concrete walls, damp feel, dank smell, and the lighting is creeping me out, because it’s fluorescent but there aren’t any fluorescent lights overhead, the light source is coming from somewhere unseen…
But we’re all searching just the same, it’s like a scene from a t.v. show – wandering down long tunnels, and two girls are in trouble and we don’t know if we’ll get to them in time. I think they’ve been kidnapped but I’m not sure…
And then someone yells out that they’ve found ‘the door’, and sure enough, as we all rush over, Ethan pushes through to the front of the crowd and opens the passage, a twenty inch door that he steps through. He goes in because he has the cutting tool, a thing made of plexiglass but shaped like a ray gun you might see in a ‘B’ sci-fi movie.
So he’s through the first door, in a small passage that is barred by a second door to the right. It’s this second door he’s going to use the gun on, and he holds it up, waits for a second for it to charge, and I see, from where I’m standing outside the room, that as the ray gun goes off, it lights Ethan’s face up like he’s watching an atomic bomb go off in the distance. There’s no explosion, the gun just sort of melts the door away…
And I rush through the two doorways. But the two girls that I thought would be there aren’t. Instead, the sense of dread crashes on me like a tsunami as I see a large pile of leaves and sticks with a red phone cord coming out of it, leading to a red phone on the ground in front of me. I pick up the receiver and listen.
There’s a tremendous amount of static in the background, but it’s a recorded message that plays over and over, with the voice of the older of the two girls saying very matter of factly (though I can barely hear her), “Better hurry up…time’s running out…”
And I suddenly know what to do…I drop the phone to the ground, climb over it, and begin digging through the pile of leaves where I realize the two girls are buried…and a second later, a hand comes reaching from the ground, and I try to pull her out…
…and I wake up.
At this point, it was around 2:30 in the morning, I think. With the dread I was feeling, I couldn’t let myself fall back into the dream, because I couldn’t stand the thought of going back to that. And then I heard a loud ‘thump!’ from downstairs? the basement? outside on the deck? I wasn’t sure, and I ended up getting out of bed checking every door and every room in our house, but nothing was there.
Then, about ten minutes later, Gillian woke up for the first time. I say first, but truthfully, after I finally got her back into bed I don’t think she ever really did get back to sleep until the morning. At one point, Lissa got up with her, tried to get her to calm down, and then brought her into bed with us. This lasted about fifteen minutes, I think; I can only take a foot being stuck into my back so many times before I start to get a little testy…
But as I'm writing all this down I'm wondering about the significance of the two dreams. Specifically, why are my two worst nightmares involving my oldest son? Is there any thread, any relationship between the two dreams other than him? And for any of you reading this who are interested in the whole dream interpretation thing (and I know a couple of you are) what's the significance of the pieces I remember?
(Um, is there something really wrong with me???)
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Only in Albion...
...could I be driving to the bank, on M99, a two lane highway that comes through the old business district in town. As I pull out onto this street in the afternoon, the traffic's pretty heavy. There's an SUV next to me, a car in front that turns left, and my lane is finally open as I pull up next to a pickup right as we come to a red light.
Or rather, I TRY to pull up next to it. I've been watching it for the last couple blocks from a few cars back, and the driver can't seem to decide whether he wants the right lane or the center lane that I've been trying to drive in...so he's just driving right on the dotted line, taking up 1/2 of both lanes.
It's a 30-year old Ford pick-up truck, rusted out fenders, rusted bumpers...but the truly striking thing is that apparently the rear suspension began going out on this thing about fifteen years ago, and the owner's decided it really isn't worth fixing, instead he's just drivin'. So with a load of junk on the back of it, the back bumper on the driver's side is about six inches off the ground. That's the ONLY corner of the truck that's sagging like that. And...the driver's blug-blug-blugging along at about 12 miles an hour as we both come up to the red light.
He doesn't give a crap, so, hey, what the heck, neither do I. I pull up to the intersection in my lane -- it is MY LANE, after all -- and I squeeze right in there next to him, so that my passenger's side door is about eight inches from the extra-wide mirror he has sticking out from the side of his truck like a boat oar.
The sign on the door of the pickup? What business owns this stellar piece of transportation, this sterling example of American innovation?
"SPEEDY HAULIN'"
Riiigghhht...
And let me add a P.S to this post that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with what you've just read but just heard on Comedy Central, I thought it was hilarious:
"I don't know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll Tootsie pop, but it takes twelve-thousand four hundred sixty eight licks to get to the center of an I-Phone..." --- Stephen Colbert
Or rather, I TRY to pull up next to it. I've been watching it for the last couple blocks from a few cars back, and the driver can't seem to decide whether he wants the right lane or the center lane that I've been trying to drive in...so he's just driving right on the dotted line, taking up 1/2 of both lanes.
It's a 30-year old Ford pick-up truck, rusted out fenders, rusted bumpers...but the truly striking thing is that apparently the rear suspension began going out on this thing about fifteen years ago, and the owner's decided it really isn't worth fixing, instead he's just drivin'. So with a load of junk on the back of it, the back bumper on the driver's side is about six inches off the ground. That's the ONLY corner of the truck that's sagging like that. And...the driver's blug-blug-blugging along at about 12 miles an hour as we both come up to the red light.
He doesn't give a crap, so, hey, what the heck, neither do I. I pull up to the intersection in my lane -- it is MY LANE, after all -- and I squeeze right in there next to him, so that my passenger's side door is about eight inches from the extra-wide mirror he has sticking out from the side of his truck like a boat oar.
The sign on the door of the pickup? What business owns this stellar piece of transportation, this sterling example of American innovation?
"SPEEDY HAULIN'"
Riiigghhht...
And let me add a P.S to this post that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with what you've just read but just heard on Comedy Central, I thought it was hilarious:
"I don't know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll Tootsie pop, but it takes twelve-thousand four hundred sixty eight licks to get to the center of an I-Phone..." --- Stephen Colbert
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
The Prophetic Voice
"Above all, the prophets remind us of the moral state of a people: Few are guilty, but all are responsible." -- Abraham Joshua Heschel
So the subject of this post started for me about 2 or 3 months ago.
As I was reading through a passage of the apostle Paul’s writing in the book of I Corinthians, I came to this: “Follow the way of love, and eagerly desire spiritual gifts, especially the gift of prophecy.” (NIV)
For reference, the rest of the chapter is mostly a discussion of why prophecy is such a better thing to pray for than speaking in tongues. Then later in the chapter, we get this:
“Tongues, then, are a sign, not for believers but for unbelievers; prophecy, however, is for believers, not for unbelievers… But if an unbeliever or someone who does not understand comes in while everybody is prophesying, he will be convinced by all that he is a sinner and will be judged by all, and the secrets of his heart will be laid bare. So he will fall down and worship God…”
As so often happens when I’m reading the Bible, part of this passage got stuck in my mind – why the emphasis on prophecy here? Growing up evangelical (the title of my new autobiography? Hmm…) I can’t ever remember a sermon being preached that really talked much about what prophets were and what they did.
We see Paul’s instructions about multiple people taking turns in church services, giving instruction and encouragement for everyone to hear. He talks about lay people openly being engaged to speak truth to other members. (What exactly would happen if we opened up services like this today? Do any denominations do this? I suppose some do…and what do we think about this? What does that say about us?)
Yet I'm seeing the picture of prophecy, as it's laid out in the Old Testament at least, as a pretty radical one.
The Old Testament prophets are perhaps what come to mind first when the word ‘prophecy’ is mentioned…the extreme radicals of Judaism, wandering the deserts.
Jeremiah, the ‘Weeping Prophet’: “…Sovereign Lord…I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.” (Jer 1:6 NIV) Born in the 7th century B.C. – a time of dramatic upheaval according to my study Bible notes, when western Asian countries were in constant power plays against each other and against the larger kingdoms of Egypt, Assyria, and Babylon. Jeremiah hears the call of God, and though reluctant at first, eventually finds the courage to be a voice of truth, eventually delivering the unwelcome message of destruction for the kingdom of Judah.
The longest book in the Bible, Jeremiah is disturbing in its imagery; “Look, an army is coming from the land of the north; a great nation is being stirred up from the ends of the earth…they sound like the roaring sea…we have heard reports about them, and our hands hang limp…” This was the Babylonian empire, that according to our pastor, would overtake their enemies, pierce the noses of the survivors, feed a chain through the nose rings, and lead them away to become slave labor.
Other Old Testament prophets, too, give us this imagery; and maybe because of the dire nature of the call placed on their lives, they behave in the strangest of ways, demonstrating in the most shocking and stark ways possible the seriousness of what they’re trying to convey...
Isaiah, going naked for three years, as a sign of what the Assyrians would do to Egypt.
Or Ezekiel, instructed by God to pack up his belongings like he was an exile, for everyone to watch what he was doing as a representation of what Israel would go through. And later, being instructed not to mourn at the death of his wife, not to “lament or weep or shed any tears.” (Ez. 24:16)
So how does any of this translate into the modern day church?
I had previously heard that the ‘prophetic voice’ isn’t always like the one portrayed in the Old Testament, where guidelines were laid out for the standard the prophets were held to – truth was spoken, and if a prophet’s word was found false, he was put to death. So then this newer idea of “the prophetic voice”, rather than the “Voice of the Prophet”, becomes less clear.
If we live in an “Age of Grace” so to speak, where we no longer put people to death for anything other than capital murder, what standards do we hold to determine what is and isn’t the prophetic voice? Do we even need prophets in our modern day world, and if so, what should their role be?
As it turns out, I have a friend who is getting ready to publish a book on this very topic. I bounced a bunch of these questions off him, as well as my ideas for what I thought were probable answers.
I definitely don’t know as much as I’d like to yet, but he did give me some great insights. Our discussion covered a number of aspects in all this, and I’m going to do my best to put down from memory what I think I’ve come to understand over time. What I’ve come up with so far:
--In defining the prophetic voice, we're talking about a voice of truth that is spoken to a group of people to communicate truths that need to be heard; the truth isn’t scientific truth or rational truth, but spiritual truth, a truth of motivation, of values, of soul. And by necessity and by definition, then, it must be truth given to someone who holds some position of power – not just a ‘Pastor’ or ‘Preacher’, though that is a necessity as well; but to the Church itself, because the power the Church holds is the power of possessing a message of healing and love that it should be delivering to a world of people that don’t have that healing and love, but need it; in possessing that message, the Church possesses power. And because the Church does its job imperfectly, the need and relevance of the prophetic voice are apparent-- to propel it, by encouragement and also criticism, to excellence.
--The prophetic voice is often most powerful when spoken by someone from within its own ranks. To speak the voice of truth, you have to be part of the tribe being spoken to. People will most often hear your voice when you’re a member.
The question then becomes, what if no one within that group is speaking? Where does the prophetic voice come from? How is Truth discovered? “Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, ‘Teacher, rebuke your disciples!’ ‘I tell you’, he replied, ‘if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.’” (Luke 19-39-40) And my study Bible, interestingly enough, has no commentary or explanation to add. But don’t we have this now, rocks crying out?
A police officer in Oakland, CA abuses his power and shoots an unarmed man lying face down on the ground. Is this event lost? Is it swept under the rug? Not at all –instead, because it’s captured by cell phone video, the outcry from the community of Oakland – the black community, who justifiably feel they’ve seen proof positive of how their police department treats minorities -- is heard around the United States.
Is this the rocks crying out? Is this the truth being seen when it would otherwise have been hidden? The prophetic voice isn’t delivered by a human voice; no human voice was available in Oakland at the place and time of the shooting, or at least, no voice that would have been listened to; but isn’t the truth of these events seen around the world anyway?
You could go on…dozens of other incidents captured on video; the outcry over Catholic priests sexually abusing hundreds of children, and the Catholic Church trying to cover it up; Wall Street firms doling out million-dollar bonuses to the heads of companies that lost billions of dollars, etc.
--The challenge as I see it, then, is twofold for the Church:
First, this prophetic voice is painful, so how do we foster it? If it’s necessary (as I think it is), if our current Church is supposed to model what was shown in the Old and New Testaments – then how do we get individual churches and whole denominations to buy into the idea of its necessity?
And second, if you’re a member, how do you know you’re not as blind as everyone else? But this only seems to highlight the necessity for encouraging as many people as possible to speak truth. It’s why Paul encouraged this voice, multiple voices, to come forward, to mold the Church into what it should be.
Institutionally, we’ve lost this voice. And we need it badly.
"Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets," Jesus said in the Book of Matthew, but unfortunately, that is exactly what we seem to have done.
So how do we get that voice back? And who is out there waiting to speak?
--In defining the prophetic voice, we're talking about a voice of truth that is spoken to a group of people to communicate truths that need to be heard; the truth isn’t scientific truth or rational truth, but spiritual truth, a truth of motivation, of values, of soul. And by necessity and by definition, then, it must be truth given to someone who holds some position of power – not just a ‘Pastor’ or ‘Preacher’, though that is a necessity as well; but to the Church itself, because the power the Church holds is the power of possessing a message of healing and love that it should be delivering to a world of people that don’t have that healing and love, but need it; in possessing that message, the Church possesses power. And because the Church does its job imperfectly, the need and relevance of the prophetic voice are apparent-- to propel it, by encouragement and also criticism, to excellence.
--The prophetic voice is often most powerful when spoken by someone from within its own ranks. To speak the voice of truth, you have to be part of the tribe being spoken to. People will most often hear your voice when you’re a member.
--The challenge as I see it, then, is twofold for the Church:
"Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets," Jesus said in the Book of Matthew, but unfortunately, that is exactly what we seem to have done.
So how do we get that voice back? And who is out there waiting to speak?
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