"Untitled: A Blog Post With No Name; or My Untitled Blog Post"

Well, the Bee Van has really amped up the pressure this week.

When a vehicle really doesn't like you, it doesn't just break down. If it did, you'd just get it fixed (as we have many, many times already); and if it broke down at a completely inopportune time, you might actually just consider junking it.

Instead of just breaking down, however, the Van began showing a few signs of trouble like dark clouds on the horizon. First, the "Service Engine Soon" light came on -- then went out -- then came on for a couple days -- then went off, then blinked right back on.

Hmmm....

Not really something to worry about, we thought...but then the speedometer stopped working (which also meant the odometer and tripmeter weren't working, as they're all part of the same component) but only until we stopped somewhere. When we got back in restarted the car, it began working again...and the speedometer was working again.

Then the speedometer stopped working, the Service light came back on, and engine hesitated, just for a moment, but enough to make us hold our breaths a little wondering if maybe this time, something was REALLY up. But then it was running fine...until my wife pulled up to a stop sign and it stalled out. But then she restarted it and everything was fine again.

I can't take this! I began thinking; and the Van has begun the long, slow, torturous process of making us lose our sanity.

Ugh.

In other news, I missed a perfect opportunity two days ago for the perfect blog post. Asia had one of the longest eclipses it will have this century. The post that I inadvertently omitted:

PEOPLE OF ASIA NOW HEAR THIS! YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE MY SUPREME AUTHORITY AS EMPEROR AND SOVEREIGN RULER OF YOUR PUNY CONTINENT, BOWING PROSTRATE BEFORE ME, OR I WILL BLOT THE SUN FROM THE SKY! THE DAY SHALL BE AS NIGHT AND YOUR LAND COVERED IN DARKNESS! FOR, SAY, 6 MINUTES AND 39 SECONDS GIVE OR TAKE...

Recently came across this from CNN.com:

Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:

--Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it
"The resolution was we were both fired."- Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions

--What are your hobbies and interests?
"[He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations

--Why should we hire you?
"I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group

--Do you have any questions?
"Cross dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
"What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
"Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
"What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
"If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
"[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
"If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
"When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
"So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" -- Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting

--Why are you leaving your current job?
"Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, Human Resources Manager, True Textiles, Inc.
"I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith

--Why are you looking for a job?
"Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein

--What are your assets? (as in strengths)
"Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group

--What are your weaknesses?
"I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
"I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
"I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
"I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." -- Michaele Charles, Voice Communications

--When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
"Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce

--Is there anything else I should know about you?
"You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." - Venne
Use three adjectives to describe yourself
"I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering, manager of outreach, National Fatherhood Initiative

--Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
"I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering

--Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
"What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering
Random responses
"One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
"[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." -- Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
"Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
"May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
(During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated."- Smith
"[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" – Darby

--Source: CNN.com, from an article by CAREERBUILDER.com

Lessons from Joseph Heller, Pt. 1

I'm currently reading 'Catch-22' and I think I've stumbled on to a key ingredient that's currently missing from a number of American industries: a perfect blending of total mediocrity and complete ineptitude.

Mediocrity I think we've mastered. As Garrison Keillor recently said about Lake Wobegonians -- which holds true for the American Work Machine -- first place isn't really for us; honorable mention is more than good enough...if you gave us a gold trophy we'd have it bronzed.

But complete ineptitude, well, that's another matter entirely. Our lack of failure has nearly destroyed this country, evidenced most starkly by the downfall of companies like GM and Chrysler.

From 'Catch-22':

"Colonel Cargill, General Peckem's troubleshooter, was a forceful, ruddy man. Before the war he had been an alert, hard-hitting, aggressive marketing executive. He was a very bad marketing executive. Colonel Cargill was so awful a marketing executive that his services were much sought after by firms eager to establish losses for tax purposes. Throughout the civilized world, from Battery Park to Fulton Street, he was known as a dependable man for a fast tax write-off. His prices were high, for failure often did not come easily. He had to start at the top and work his way down, and with sympathetic friends in Washington, losing money was no simple matter. It took months of hard work and careful misplanning. A person misplaced, disorganized, miscalculated, overlooked everything and opened every loophole, and just when he thought he had it made, the government gave him a lake or a forest or an oilfield and spoiled everything. Even with such handicaps, Colonel Cargill could be relied on to run the most prosperous enterprise into the ground. He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody." ('Catch-22', Joseph Heller, pp 33-4)

Diplomacy

To have a toddler is to own a tiny, 30 inch tall dictator, a mini tyrant that struts around the house with a limited grasp of the English language; who’s not completely potty trained; and who makes constant demands of her subjects in her own gibberish-laden language, a sort of hybridized form of English, with much gesturing and grunting that everyone around her strains to understand as they try to appease her.

I’m upstairs painting our hallway and come down to grab a screwdriver when I’m greeted by the sight of her highness the two-year-old in a heated argument with my wife in the living room. Not that this is much different from most of the communication we try to have with our daughter at this stage– discussions are most often ‘heated’ – and this time, surprise, surprise, it’s about food.

What is it about food that gets this kid so worked up, I’m wondering?

Her choices for dinner were: hot dog; hamburger; potato salad; watermelon; cantaloupe; pineapple; baked beans; or chips.

She opted for chips.

Of course, chips not being a particularly satisfying meal, it’s now 7pm and she’s hungry.

“Hot Fries! Hot FRIES!” she’s yelling at my wife, meaning that her majesty, pointing at the front door, is requesting a trip to McDonald’s. She’s come to know french fries as ‘hot fries’ over time, as in ‘be careful, those fries are hot!’

But of course, when she hears the word ‘no’ – as in, ‘no, our lives don’t revolve around you NEARLY as much as you’re convinced they do’ – she breaks into hysterics and during the ensuing tantrum, my wife does her best to give her highness several other, more suitable options, something, say, without all the trans-fats and the cholesterol.

As I re-ascend the stairwell, they finally come to an impasse; the dictator’s demands go unmet by her subject the Mommy, and after tense negotiations, a compromise is reached; her majesty will have pasta.

I return to my spot upstairs and after removing a furnace vent cover, I resume painting only to find another set of negotiations are going on behind closed doors, and just within earshot. I’m not sure which war is being discussed – most likely WW2 judging by the machine gun noises? – but the Generals are hard at work in the planning stages of an invasion, as several lower level officers are being chastised for their poor execution in the face of an intense enemy embankment.

I can’t quite make out everything, but it’s clear from what I’m hearing that things aren’t going well for one side in the war.

There are many, many sounds that bring joy in life, but none quite as intensely for me as the sound of a boy making machine gun noises and explosions while he’s playing with the standby of boyhood: army guys.

Our 12-year-old is directly behind the door where I’m painting, completely unaware that a spy is straining to hear his generals.

Interestingly enough, I can only make out one side of the conversation, as if there really are two people in there. I hear a mumbled voice, followed by shouts and reprimands…then the whine of an airplane, followed by another explosion…

Oh to be 12 again!!!

I’d take 12 in a heartbeat. Not forever, of course, but for a day? Even a week?

Heck yeah…

Two, though, not so much. I don’t think I could wear the crown of monarchy. The responsibility would seem too great…

"Little Timmy Fell Down the Well..."

…is what I write on the electronic signature pad as I’m buying groceries at Meijer, and the resulting piece of abstract art looks as much like my signature as if I’d actually tried to write my name. Meijer has many innovations; a way to capture a decent signature electronically, however, is still elusive, which is surprising. The store management has updated the checkout aisles several times over the last ten years or so, and each time I’m pleasantly surprised with what they come up with – first self checkout, then even faster self checkout…

But still no change in the signature pad…

Anyway, with the fourth of July recently passed, it’s post-holiday time again, and that of course usually means rock-bottom prices on holiday stuff. But this time, Meijer disappoints. I’m not actually looking to buy anything with the red, white and blue holiday motif (my family’s waiting for me in the car as I shop) but I notice there isn’t anything of substance marked down in the main aisles even if I were looking to buy, and that’s surprising. Am I too late? It’s only July 9th…but did I miss it? Have masses of humanity already picked the best merchandise clean before I arrived?

But no. Later in the shopping trip, there they are, the sparklers, Pop-Its (patent pending), and larger packages of fireworks, the ones that every boy knows are the only ones that really matter…IF you were going to buy your 4th of July fireworks at a grocery store.

In Michigan, where anything that a 12 year old would actually think was of a certain ‘coolness’ factor is deemed illegal, you can’t really get the good stuff, the ones that make the really big bangs, the stuff that shoots through the air like, well, a 4th of July rocket should…so you can only hope for an older brother or a generous uncle who’s willing to spend the time (and money) to drive over the southern border and bring back a load of contraband from Indiana where people REALLY know what the 4th of July is about.

If people who sneak illegal immigrants over the Mexican border into the United States are called coyotes, then perhaps we need a nickname for someone who sneaks fireworks into Michigan…”wolverine” would work, but somehow that animal has become too synonymous with the University of Michigan to use it for anything else. Something other than an animal name, perhaps?

Hmmm…

But I’m off topic. Meijer has their version of fireworks, in the large, cellophane-wrapped packages with the multi-colored cardboard backing, but they aren’t marked down yet.

Disappointing.

Again, not that I actually would have bought anything (they never mark fireworks 90% off) but I’m just surprised. Not even a measly 25% discount, nothing.

But I do notice something else.

When I was growing up, a store like Meijer would have maybe 3 or 4 really huge packages of fireworks, the ones that cost like fifty or sixty dollars, and you looked at that package that was as tall as you were, with its pink and orange and green mini-packages inside the giant package, tiny cardboard tubes and boxes with names that any 12-year old boy couldn’t help but admire – things with names like ‘Snapdragon’ or ‘Roman Glory’ – and you knew that only handful of kids in the entire county were going to get to watch those go off on July 4th.

But now, I’m looking at a cardboard display filled to the top with these things.

What gives, I’m wondering?

And what’s more, the prices are actually LESS than they were when I was growing up. You’d now be hard pressed to find a package of fireworks in Meijer for much more than fifty dollars or so. The cardboard package has a pre-printed price in the upper corner that shows the retail price…but then in small letters next to it, it shows the word ‘value’ – as in “$90.00 value” – and then an arrow points to the actual price, which is fifty percent less!!!

How is this possible?

But here’s the thing. We’re still not buying them. I’m forty years old, and if I wanted to, I could pick up any one of those packages, throw it in the grocery cart, and be the envy of every boy in the store who might be watching. So why don’t I?

I’m not sure if it’s the un-coolness of Meijer fireworks – after all, something called a ‘Showering Dragon’ isn’t actually going to do anything other than sit on the ground and shoot sparks three feet into the air…no matter what name you give it.

Or perhaps it’s that I’ve seen how much better Indiana fireworks are.

Or maybe it’s just that my values have changed, and watching things explode once a year isn’t all that important to me. Whatever the case, I’m realizing that we’re not grasping the opportunity we have to be heroes in the eyes of our children, and maybe that’s not all bad.

After all, if we DID come home with m-80’s and mini-cardboard cannons that shoot rockets three hundred feet high, we might not have any hands to grasp WITH and our kids wouldn’t have eyes to see us at all, let alone seeing us as heroes…

Hmmm….