Thursday, August 27, 2009
Facebook’s gotten out of hand. I think we can all agree on that one.
In the past month, I’ve gotten friend requests from three people I’m not convinced I’ve ever even met. The last one was from some guy in Abu Dhabi, whose profile photo makes him look like a rock star. No kidding – he reminds of a young Lenny Kravitz, wearing dark sunglasses and a black shirt that’s half unbuttoned…and after I responded favorably to the request (hey, I’ll be friends with ANYONE on Facebook, don’t double-dog-dare me on that one) I looked down his wall and discovered a crowd of people who are posting that they have no idea who he is.
Amazing.
I’m considering starting a series of ‘Fan’ sites, though, to establish some sort of record. That way, for the masses of people who've made the mistake of ‘befriending’ me when they have no idea who I am, they’ll all get that continuous string of site suggestions popping up on the right side of the screen…with my name next to all of them! Almost like I’m famous!
“Game Show Hosts of the Seventies! John is a fan!”
“Things That Start With the Letter ‘C’! John is a fan!”
“Nebraska Zip Codes! John is a fan!”
“Things That Look Like Other Things! John is a fan!”
“Getting Kicked In the Crotch! John is a fan!
But the best thing about Facebook for me is that I now have a second piece of evidence (along with my seventh and eighth grade yearbooks) that I actually know actress Gillian Anderson, star of the t.v. show ‘The X Files.’ When her face popped up as a friend suggestion, I waited the required two days (no need to seem desperate, right?) and then sent her a request.
And she responded.
So how cool is that??? You actually know someone who knows someone who’s famous…
“People Who Know Gillian Anderson! John is a fan!”
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A Bold, Fresh Nightmare: Being the VBS Host
“That was great singing, boys and girls,” my wife says, and she says true. The nearly 300 kids attending our Vacation Bible School this week have been yelling their lungs out during every song – enthused to say the least.
“And now it’s time to meet our Bible Memory Buddy for today!” and it’s on to the next section. A picture comes up on the overhead projectors, a spoonbill bird with pink and white feathers and a goofy smile. My wife goes on to read today’s Bible verse, then it’s on to the next section.
Sort of.
“So that was great, boys and girls,” my wife is saying and she begins ad-libbing about memory verses, how beautiful the spoonbill bird is, etc. “But has anybody seen Skeeter?”
That’s me, the comic relief character for the skit each night. Lissa isn’t supposed to have to ask this question to summon Skeeter, and I’m supposed to have been on stage about thirty seconds before she asks about me…but instead, I’m behind the curtains off stage with a fish hook in my thumb, and part of my costume – a safari type hat with a bunch of fishing lures stuck to it – is tangled in tonight’s prop, a fishing net on a six foot long pole. A couple teenage girls that are helping to lead singing are backstage with me, and they begin trying to help me untangle the mess that I’m in.
After another unbearable twenty seconds goes by, I’m finally on stage, ad-libbing a different intro to the skit now that my other entrance has been completely blown (I was supposed to come out crashing into my wife, waving the fishing net in the air…oh well.) We finally continue on with the skit and finish…
But the nightmare isn’t quite over for my wife. At another point in the evening, she declares, “Now it’s time for you to share YOUR God-sightings!” and scores of tiny hands pop into the air like fireworks. She’d done this last night – asking kids to talk about something nice they saw someone do for someone else, or to give a story about how they experience God in their everyday lives…perhaps a tricky concept for some of the younger kids. But every child’s eager to talk into that microphone, and my wife is making the mistake of actually letting them!
“Let’s see, how about someone from over in this section,” she says and walks down the steps from the stage into the throng of elated children, desperate for their twenty seconds of fame. “Do you have a God sighting?”
“GOD HAS A MAGIC STICK!” the girl proudly proclaims.
Hmmm, my wife is thinking.
Err, the crew leader next to the girl is saying.
AWESOME! I’m sure the four-year-old is thinking, her face beaming proudly up at my wife.
“Let’s see what someone over in this section has to say – did you have a God sighting this week?”
“DREAMING!” the child roars into the microphone. What to do with this response?
“Yes – God watches over us when we’re dreaming? Right?”
And the nightmare continues…
Only two more nights to go…
“And now it’s time to meet our Bible Memory Buddy for today!” and it’s on to the next section. A picture comes up on the overhead projectors, a spoonbill bird with pink and white feathers and a goofy smile. My wife goes on to read today’s Bible verse, then it’s on to the next section.
Sort of.
“So that was great, boys and girls,” my wife is saying and she begins ad-libbing about memory verses, how beautiful the spoonbill bird is, etc. “But has anybody seen Skeeter?”
That’s me, the comic relief character for the skit each night. Lissa isn’t supposed to have to ask this question to summon Skeeter, and I’m supposed to have been on stage about thirty seconds before she asks about me…but instead, I’m behind the curtains off stage with a fish hook in my thumb, and part of my costume – a safari type hat with a bunch of fishing lures stuck to it – is tangled in tonight’s prop, a fishing net on a six foot long pole. A couple teenage girls that are helping to lead singing are backstage with me, and they begin trying to help me untangle the mess that I’m in.
After another unbearable twenty seconds goes by, I’m finally on stage, ad-libbing a different intro to the skit now that my other entrance has been completely blown (I was supposed to come out crashing into my wife, waving the fishing net in the air…oh well.) We finally continue on with the skit and finish…
But the nightmare isn’t quite over for my wife. At another point in the evening, she declares, “Now it’s time for you to share YOUR God-sightings!” and scores of tiny hands pop into the air like fireworks. She’d done this last night – asking kids to talk about something nice they saw someone do for someone else, or to give a story about how they experience God in their everyday lives…perhaps a tricky concept for some of the younger kids. But every child’s eager to talk into that microphone, and my wife is making the mistake of actually letting them!
“Let’s see, how about someone from over in this section,” she says and walks down the steps from the stage into the throng of elated children, desperate for their twenty seconds of fame. “Do you have a God sighting?”
“GOD HAS A MAGIC STICK!” the girl proudly proclaims.
Hmmm, my wife is thinking.
Err, the crew leader next to the girl is saying.
AWESOME! I’m sure the four-year-old is thinking, her face beaming proudly up at my wife.
“Let’s see what someone over in this section has to say – did you have a God sighting this week?”
“DREAMING!” the child roars into the microphone. What to do with this response?
“Yes – God watches over us when we’re dreaming? Right?”
And the nightmare continues…
Only two more nights to go…
Monday, August 10, 2009
Our New Favorite Comedian: Quotes From Demetri Martin
"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’”
“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’"
“I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”
“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”
“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’”
“I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘B-a-n-a … keep going. Bananana … damn.’
“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”
“I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”
“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart… Especially if the human is kind of hairy.”
“They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’s a dog. Don’t waste my time.”
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
“I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”
“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’”
“I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’”
“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’ "
“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’”
“I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.”
My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”.
"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters."
“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’"
“I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”
“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”
“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’”
“I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘B-a-n-a … keep going. Bananana … damn.’
“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”
“I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”
“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart… Especially if the human is kind of hairy.”
“They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’s a dog. Don’t waste my time.”
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
“I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”
“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’”
“I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’”
“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’ "
“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’”
“I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.”
My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”.
"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
