Only in Albion...

...could I be driving to the bank, on M99, a two lane highway that comes through the old business district in town. As I pull out onto this street in the afternoon, the traffic's pretty heavy. There's an SUV next to me, a car in front that turns left, and my lane is finally open as I pull up next to a pickup right as we come to a red light.

Or rather, I TRY to pull up next to it. I've been watching it for the last couple blocks from a few cars back, and the driver can't seem to decide whether he wants the right lane or the center lane that I've been trying to drive in...so he's just driving right on the dotted line, taking up 1/2 of both lanes.

It's a 30-year old Ford pick-up truck, rusted out fenders, rusted bumpers...but the truly striking thing is that apparently the rear suspension began going out on this thing about fifteen years ago, and the owner's decided it really isn't worth fixing, instead he's just drivin'. So with a load of junk on the back of it, the back bumper on the driver's side is about six inches off the ground. That's the ONLY corner of the truck that's sagging like that. And...the driver's blug-blug-blugging along at about 12 miles an hour as we both come up to the red light.

He doesn't give a crap, so, hey, what the heck, neither do I. I pull up to the intersection in my lane -- it is MY LANE, after all -- and I squeeze right in there next to him, so that my passenger's side door is about eight inches from the extra-wide mirror he has sticking out from the side of his truck like a boat oar.

The sign on the door of the pickup? What business owns this stellar piece of transportation, this sterling example of American innovation?

"SPEEDY HAULIN'"

Riiigghhht...



And let me add a P.S to this post that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with what you've just read but just heard on Comedy Central, I thought it was hilarious:

"I don't know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll Tootsie pop, but it takes twelve-thousand four hundred sixty eight licks to get to the center of an I-Phone..." --- Stephen Colbert

The Prophetic Voice

"Above all, the prophets remind us of the moral state of a people: Few are guilty, but all are responsible." -- Abraham Joshua Heschel

So the subject of this post started for me about 2 or 3 months ago.

As I was reading through a passage of the apostle Paul’s writing in the book of I Corinthians, I came to this: “Follow the way of love, and eagerly desire spiritual gifts, especially the gift of prophecy.” (NIV)

For reference, the rest of the chapter is mostly a discussion of why prophecy is such a better thing to pray for than speaking in tongues. Then later in the chapter, we get this:

“Tongues, then, are a sign, not for believers but for unbelievers;

prophecy, however, is for believers, not for unbelievers… But if an

unbeliever or someone who does not understand comes in while everybody is

prophesying, he will be convinced by all that he is a sinner and will be judged

by all, and the secrets of his heart will be laid bare. So he will fall down

and worship God…”

As so often happens when I’m reading the Bible, part of this passage got stuck in my mind – why the emphasis on prophecy here? Growing up evangelical (the title of my new autobiography? Hmm…) I can’t ever remember a sermon being preached that really talked much about what prophets were and what they did.

We see Paul’s instructions about multiple people taking turns in church services, giving instruction and encouragement for everyone to hear. He talks about lay people openly being engaged to speak truth to other members. (What exactly would happen if we opened up services like this today? Do any denominations do this? I suppose some do…and what do we think about this? What does that say about us?)

Yet I'm seeing the picture of prophecy, as it's laid out in the Old Testament at least, as a pretty radical one.

The Old Testament prophets are perhaps what come to mind first when the word ‘prophecy’ is mentioned…the extreme radicals of Judaism, wandering the deserts.

Jeremiah, the ‘Weeping Prophet’: “…Sovereign Lord…I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.” (Jer 1:6 NIV) Born in the 7th century B.C. – a time of dramatic upheaval according to my study Bible notes, when western Asian countries were in constant power plays against each other and against the larger kingdoms of Egypt, Assyria, and Babylon. Jeremiah hears the call of God, and though reluctant at first, eventually finds the courage to be a voice of truth, eventually delivering the unwelcome message of destruction for the kingdom of Judah.

The longest book in the Bible, Jeremiah is disturbing in its imagery; “Look, an army is coming from the land of the north; a great nation is being stirred up from the ends of the earth…they sound like the roaring sea…we have heard reports about them, and our hands hang limp…” This was the Babylonian empire, that according to our pastor, would overtake their enemies, pierce the noses of the survivors, feed a chain through the nose rings, and lead them away to become slave labor.

Other Old Testament prophets, too, give us this imagery; and maybe because of the dire nature of the call placed on their lives, they behave in the strangest of ways, demonstrating in the most shocking and stark ways possible the seriousness of what they’re trying to convey...

Isaiah, going naked for three years, as a sign of what the Assyrians would do to Egypt.

Or Ezekiel, instructed by God to pack up his belongings like he was an exile, for everyone to watch what he was doing as a representation of what Israel would go through. And later, being instructed not to mourn at the death of his wife, not to “lament or weep or shed any tears.” (Ez. 24:16)

So how does any of this translate into the modern day church?

I had previously heard that the ‘prophetic voice’ isn’t always like the one portrayed in the Old Testament, where guidelines were laid out for the standard the prophets were held to – truth was spoken, and if a prophet’s word was found false, he was put to death. So then this newer idea of “the prophetic voice”, rather than the “Voice of the Prophet”, becomes less clear.

If we live in an “Age of Grace” so to speak, where we no longer put people to death for anything other than capital murder, what standards do we hold to determine what is and isn’t the prophetic voice? Do we even need prophets in our modern day world, and if so, what should their role be?

As it turns out, I have a friend who is getting ready to publish a book on this very topic. I bounced a bunch of these questions off him, as well as my ideas for what I thought were probable answers.

I definitely don’t know as much as I’d like to yet, but he did give me some great insights. Our discussion covered a number of aspects in all this, and I’m going to do my best to put down from memory what I think I’ve come to understand over time. What I’ve come up with so far:

--In defining the prophetic voice, we're talking about a voice of truth that is spoken to a group of people to communicate truths that need to be heard; the truth isn’t scientific truth or rational truth, but spiritual truth, a truth of motivation, of values, of soul. And by necessity and by definition, then, it must be truth given to someone who holds some position of power – not just a ‘Pastor’ or ‘Preacher’, though that is a necessity as well; but to the Church itself, because the power the Church holds is the power of possessing a message of healing and love that it should be delivering to a world of people that don’t have that healing and love, but need it; in possessing that message, the Church possesses power. And because the Church does its job imperfectly, the need and relevance of the prophetic voice are apparent-- to propel it, by encouragement and also criticism, to excellence.

--The prophetic voice is often most powerful when spoken by someone from within its own ranks. To speak the voice of truth, you have to be part of the tribe being spoken to. People will most often hear your voice when you’re a member.

The question then becomes, what if no one within that group is speaking? Where does the prophetic voice come from? How is Truth discovered? “Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, ‘Teacher, rebuke your disciples!’ ‘I tell you’, he replied, ‘if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.’” (Luke 19-39-40) And my study Bible, interestingly enough, has no commentary or explanation to add. But don’t we have this now, rocks crying out?

A police officer in Oakland, CA abuses his power and shoots an unarmed man lying face down on the ground. Is this event lost? Is it swept under the rug? Not at all –instead, because it’s captured by cell phone video, the outcry from the community of Oakland – the black community, who justifiably feel they’ve seen proof positive of how their police department treats minorities -- is heard around the United States.

Is this the rocks crying out? Is this the truth being seen when it would otherwise have been hidden? The prophetic voice isn’t delivered by a human voice; no human voice was available in Oakland at the place and time of the shooting, or at least, no voice that would have been listened to; but isn’t the truth of these events seen around the world anyway?

You could go on…dozens of other incidents captured on video; the outcry over Catholic priests sexually abusing hundreds of children, and the Catholic Church trying to cover it up; Wall Street firms doling out million-dollar bonuses to the heads of companies that lost billions of dollars, etc.


--The challenge as I see it, then, is twofold for the Church:

First, this prophetic voice is painful, so how do we foster it? If it’s necessary (as I think it is), if our current Church is supposed to model what was shown in the Old and New Testaments – then how do we get individual churches and whole denominations to buy into the idea of its necessity?

And second, if you’re a member, how do you know you’re not as blind as everyone else? But this only seems to highlight the necessity for encouraging as many people as possible to speak truth. It’s why Paul encouraged this voice, multiple voices, to come forward, to mold the Church into what it should be.

Institutionally, we’ve lost this voice. And we need it badly.

"Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets," Jesus said in the Book of Matthew, but unfortunately, that is exactly what we seem to have done.

So how do we get that voice back? And who is out there waiting to speak?

While Driving...

I am driving to a meeting scheduled an hour and a half away.

This itself doesn’t bother me, being scheduled so far away from home, except the meeting is supposed to start at 9:30 in the morning. Meaning I have to leave earlier than the time I normally drop our middle child off at school.

As I drive, I’m reminded of the months I worked at my previous office, when I commuted about 50 minutes each way. That drive, which allowed me time to gear up in the morning and unwind after work, had the disadvantage of rush hour traffic on Interstate highways.

But the drive this morning actually seems quite different. I start out on an Interstate going west – instead of north, as I did when I commuted – and the traffic is much lighter. And only half of my route takes me on a major highway.

The second half of the drive takes me off the main interstate and onto a series of back roads and two lane highways that give you the kind of view you only get in the Midwest. Not that other places in the country don’t offer great scenery, too. My wife and I spent the second half of our honeymoon driving through gorgeous parts of Massachusetts, Rhode Island, and Connecticut, and I remember the scenery on that drive being filled with 18th century homes, trees in a rainbow of colors, and old white churches with steeples and bell towers.

But that was the Eastern seaboard. The drive I’m on today brings me through small Midwest towns that nobody has ever heard of. And probably never will. Places like Bedford and Dowling, towns without the tourist-y romance of Boston or Concord.

The drive keeps my attention in a different way, however, because even though I grew up in the Midwest, I’ve never been down this particular road before. These small towns all end up seeming kind of the same, though. You leave a slightly larger city, some place like Battle Creek or Kalamazoo, and the two lane highway takes you winding through the outskirts of the town, past factories, schools, and finally to the in-between areas, where you drive through parcel after parcel of farm country.

Then when you get to the small town itself, you're greeted by the usual local businesses -- a tractor dealership, a local mechanic, often an antique shop –- then on to the newer commercial district with fast food places and one or two car dealerships. What ‘folks’ in the forties and fifties would have called ‘fancy’, a word that went out of fashion when Generation X came along.

Like the phrase 'going out of fashion.'

Sometimes you even get a small shopping mall in these towns. But eventually you’re into the old business district, the place in town that had its heyday like fifty years ago, with local insurance agencies and government buildings.

So as I’m driving this morning, I come into the first town between the larger one I’ve left and the one I’m eventually trying to get to at the end of the trail. And I see right away the reminder that I’m in the Midwest, strapped tightly into the Bible Belt, because the first major building I come to as I arrive 'downtown' is a Methodist Church.

I’m reminded I'm in the Bible Belt not just because it’s a church, but rather two other reasons.

First, the architecture of the building isn’t architecture. It’s the cheapest way to make a buiding in a town that requires a builder to follow standard building codes – no frills, no stained glass windows, no style or design. (Though the church congregation has made sure it still has a steeple.) Commercial buildings for businesses aren’t normally made like this, but the business of church is always different…

And second, there’s the sign out front, a good thirty yards away from the main building, right out close to the curb, so traffic zooming by will read as they pass:


God’s Stimulus Package Was Signed At The Cross.


This makes me sneer.

To me, it seems an obvious affront to the Democratic Party, worse yet, it probably wasn't intended to be. I’ve voted mostly Republican since I’ve been old enough to vote, and raised in an Evangelical church. So you’d think I’d feel a sense of kinship with whoever changed the letters on that sign to form that message. Instead, I feel a little revulsion.

I'm thinking, if you can’t see why the sign would be offensive to members of the Democratic Party, then you probably shouldn’t be the person in charge of deciding what to put on the sign in the first place. Especially with a Democrat in the White House and the words 'Stimulus Plan' splashed across the front page of every newspaper and online news source.

And if you’re goal is to use the sign that’s decorating the front lawn next to your place of worship to poke a jab at Democrats and liberals, then you might want to take a good long, hard look in the mirror and try to see yourself through the eyes of the person you claim to be representing.

All this is going through my mind as I drive, and I’m again reminded of Anne Lamott’s words, which I quoted in an earlier post: it’s safe to say you’ve created God in your own image, when it turns out God hates all the same people you do…

And then, too, it all brings to mind Garrison Keillor’s “Lake Wobegon Days" and a passage about Sundays and church:

Blue laws once frowned on Sunday labor, also loud recreation,

unseemly dress, and any "deportment inconsistent with proper reverence," and

those laws still frown but do it in private, in the book of old ordinances, in a

section unread for many years. Still, as recently as last summer, when Corinne

Ingqvist, home for the weekend, walked four blocks to the lake in her red

bathing suit, people who passed her going the other way, to church, felt that

something was definitely not right.It bothered them. She is Pastor

Ingqvist's cousin, a slim connection, but it made for a disturbing note, a long

red honk in the middle of a peaceful Sunday morning. They prayed that she would

leave town, and on Monday she did.

And that is what the sign is for me. A long red honk interrupting a calm, sunny drive through a small town.

So as I continue on, I’m pondering in a very obtuse and abstract way the bitter taste left in my mouth by this experience. My thoughts turn cynical as I consider this church I've passed, probably much like the one I grew up in (though we never really put anything on our sign as gauche or coarse as what I just read). It seems to me a church projecting its own image on God the way a young girl might paint her face when she’s first allowed to put on makeup, doing what she thinks is correct, trying what she hopes would look best, mimicking what she's seen others more mature than her do.

And unaware of words like ‘subtle’ and ‘elegant’ and ‘graceful.’

So with all of this, was the drive ruined? Not at all. Grace, after all is said and done, instead comes in the strangest and sometimes funniest ways. A little farther up the road, I find a church perhaps more to my liking, a stone's throw away, and my only regret is not having a camera to capture the moment.

The sign outside this church has been posted with the following message:

THE PASTOR TOLD ME TO CHANGE THE SIGN.
SO I DID.

Best Status Updates: Bill is...)

I recently found a part of Facebook I hadn't seen before -- a contest that runs regularly to see who can come up with the best Status Update. As it turns out, there are already a few blog posts out there about the subject of Status Updates, but they mostly just copy each other's info...so I did a more extensive Internet search. And these, I thought, were the best:

Name...

• can’t listen to that much Wagner. He starts getting the urge to conquer Poland.
  
• doesn’t want to achieve immortality through his work…he wants to achieve it through not dying.
  
• places his boss under a pedestal.
  
• is hoping God would give him some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in his name in a Swiss bank.
  
• is sure that money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
  
• is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
  
• couldn't myself have better it said.
  
• is proud to be modest!
  
• hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
  
• says "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar!"
  
• thinks it's impossible to look at a baby penguin and not get angry!
  
• reminds you that when we resort to violence, nobody wins. Wait, that's wrong. I win...always!!! Got that! ALWAYS!!!!
  
• Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.
  
• was wondering why the frisbie kept getting bigger. Then it hit him.
  
• is doubling the recipe and putting the oven at 700 degrees.
  
• says cancel my subscription, I'm tired of your issues.
  
• is fed up with Indian givers...wait, no, I take that back.
  
• is bringing sexy back, but lost the receipt.
  
• is planning to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  
• feels a clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  
• says anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby.
  
• 25 reasons Lisa procrastinates. 1.
  
• can see Alaska from her house.
  
• wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
  
• Jim is letting you know that he won the Jim death pool. So pay up, suckers!
  
• lost his focus, but has since regained it. Oh, look, a cat...

A Sort of Morbidity

So this is the way my mind works.

There is consistently a pretty bizarre stream of ideas that pop into my head, for no good reason that I have never been able to figure out. Quite honestly, I think blogging hasn't helped this situation...

But one idea I had recently was this:

If I could somehow know exactly when and where I was going to die -- and if it wasn't going to be something sudden and tragic like a rare allergic reaction to Jello brand pudding, or a freak accident with a Lite-Brite -- but instead was maybe, say, dying in bed at the age of a hundred and sixty six (I don't plan on dying for a while, yet) then I think what I'd do, see, is to buy a really expensive package of vellum, something that would age really well and look really important, and then I'd learn calligraphy from a professional calligrapher for like three years, and then to give the end of my life even more purpose than I already think it has -- and to perhaps create some sort of legacy for the whole world to remember me by -- I'd copy a bunch of diagrams out of DaVinci's works, and maybe throw in some stuff from Einstein, too. And then, on the last page left in the package, I'd write out the paragraphs below, and scatter all the pages around the room for everyone to find:


"To anyone who finds this journal, I now know the antidote has failed. There is no hope for me to escape this thing that I have become. In hindsight, it is clear to me that my greed has been my downfall...just as my assistant tried to warn me it would be.

He is now gone, all my friends are gone, victims of the monster my ego has turned me into, destroyed by this thing living inside me... I was a fool to think I could harness lightning in a bottle, though I suppose I am not the only one who has given in to the temptation of attaining something so wondrous...

I only pray that in reading this, others in the future will be warned away from the path that I so foolishly chose. Or perhaps another might learn the true secret of my demise, might understand how I have become what I have, and in the future find some way to master what I could not control...

But no. On final thought, turn back now. Burn these papers. Let no one else undertake such a ghastly endeavor. Though the rewards for success are immense, the risks involved are simply too great, the burden too heavy, the knowledge too much.

It is a power that no human should be allowed to hold...


Me transmitte sursum, caledoni!

A Note About This Blog

Nation, (I'm taking a cue from Colbert, here, so bear with me,) Nation it's time to take stock of your blog and come to terms with some facts.

Okay, that's all drivel. Actually, let me say a few things about this blog that intrigue me.

First, I recently added a more in-depth counter, one from Google Analytics (thanks to Patrick -- who turns 40 very soon, by the way, gotta rub that in when I can -- for the recommendation.) This was a great find, mainly because the information is analyzed and categorized for you by Google when you sign up for the service.

So what have I learned so far? Rather than just a count of the number of page loads I've been getting (that is to say, the number of times computers have looked at individual pages, which is the only thing my previous site counter told me) this new counter has much more specific information about my blog that I find interesting.

For example, approximately 30 of you are following this blog regularly. I only have one listed follower, at this point, but that's because he's the only follower who has a 'Blogspot' address.
But much more intriguing than all of this is the following:

The other day, I noticed that Google Analytics had a whole host of information about IP addresses and users that I hadn't really checked out before. (I guess when I first signed on, I was really trying to just get a more accurate count of individual viewers, rather than what I had previously.) So when I checked THAT out, here's what I found:

97.14% of you are in the United States. Not really surprising that that's where the majority of viewers are from, but wait, that means that like 3% are OUTSIDE the U.S.

So what gives?

As it turns out, I've had international viewers from 2 sources.

The first is from Blogspot itself. You might have noticed at the top of this blog a link that says "next Blog". It's just a reference point that allows you to randomly jump to another Blogspot page from a different poster.

It's kind of fun -- check it out some time. Just not now.

No, I'm serious. Don't leave...

Anyway, through Google Analytics, I can tell where these viewers are from, via an IP map that's provided by Google. And the listed 'entry point' -- a description of how they found my blog -- shows in the IP address as 'NavBar' meaning they found me through the random search provided by Blogspot.

But the second source of viewers has apparently come from the previous post I had regarding the Nigerian email/fax scam that's been going on over the previous twenty-some years. I think what's happened is that international Web users might search the Internet for the word "Nigeria". Or maybe they're searching for the names I have listed in the post.
Those are the only things I can figure out, at this point, that seem plausible. Country of origins for these IP addresses are:


3 0.61% South Africa
2 0.41% India
2 0.41% France
1 0.20% United Arab Emirates
1 0.20% Nigeria
1 0.20% Spain
1 0.20% China
1 0.20% Singapore
1 0.20% Brazil
1 0.20% Mexico

So you're visiting the new INTERNATIONAL 'UnlimitedLicense.' And to increase the likelihood that international viewers might find this blog, NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA NIGERIA

Regarding Shopping...And Revenge

Ah, Meijer, you tempt me so...

So most of you who read this blog know me pretty well, but one thing many of you probably don't know about me is that I'm a sucker for the 90% off sale.

No kidding. Among the items I've purchased at this discount -- or even less -- are the following: t-shirts for 49 cents (in Florida, at the flea market), tapered 8" candles for 2 cents (seriously! 2 cents! how can you go wrong? I bought a whole shopping cart! ), tissue paper for a dime a package, miniature Christmas stockings (from a Dollar Store, in January, that I gave to a friend who's a teacher, to give to her students next year,) red Santa Claus hats (again, for a teacher, I bought boxes of them) wrapping paper in the off season, children's books that we gave to our kids for Christmas...

I could go on, but you get the idea. One year, we even bought hors d'oeuvres plates (I think I spelled that correctly ??) from Pottery Barn. These weren't quite 90% off, more like 75 to 80%, but I couldn't pass them up -- they had pictures of little drunk penguins on them, with sayings about getting inebriated (e.g. 'A stiff drink unravels the best written mystery' and 'the wages of gin' and so on.)

Couldn't turn them down. We still get them out almost every Christmas for at least one party. Which is quite hilarious, because a pretty good percentage of our friends don't even drink, and there's always that one uncomfortable moment when you're not quite sure how everyone is going to react.

So with it now being the week after Easter, I feel a little thrill as I realize I need to pick up a few OTHER things from Meijer tonight, and surely there must be Easter items on clearance, right?

But as I pull into the parking lot, I see something even BETTER. My brother-in-law (who will read this post, I'm sure) has made the mistake of parking his car in a space that has an adjacent space open right next to it.

Surely, the hand of Providence has handed me this opportunity. So how can I possibly resist the temptation?

So I pull into the space next to his car rrreeeeaaaaalllllllll close, but that isn't quite close enough -- like, say twelve inches -- so I back up and get just a little closer.

But no, that isn't quite it.

The third time, though, like Goldilocks with the porridge, is just right.

Four inches.

I'm ecstatic. Nay, friends, elated. I only wish I'd had a video camera to record his reaction, which I never got to see...

So I go into Meijer, and yeah verily, I say unto thee, it's there! 90% off stuff from Easter!!!

Everything's coming up Johnny!!!

My only dilemma: how much to spend? And on what? At 90%, I can buy TEN TIMES as much crap as I could just a week ago, for the same price!!! Think of it! What if cars were like this?

Or pudding???

Or even pets???

So it only takes me a few seconds, because actually, at least at the display I'm at, there aren't that many choices. I get the following: 4 rolls of gold colored cellophane wrap (the kind you'd wrap gift baskets in) and 5 boxes of Easter Egg dye.

All for just over a dollar!!!

So I get the rest of my groceries and finish up, and as I'm leaving the store, it's really coming down outside now, the weather's cold and wet and pretty miserable, but I'm really thrilled to have gotten this Easter stuff for next to nothing.

I notice my brother-in-law must have left quite a while ago, because his car is nowhere to be seen. I drop the groceries in the back of our van, give the shopping cart to the poor Meijer employee who's drawn the job of going out into the rain to retrieve carts (don't you always want to tip those guys?). I put the key in the ignition, flick the lights on, and turn the wipers on.

And I'm greeted by SCREEEEEEEEKK--SCREEEK!!! SCREEEEEEKKK--SCREEEK!!!

My brother-in-law has just made my night, because he's taken the time to turn my wiper blades upside down -- with the metal part of the blade scraping the window like a razor blade after I hit the switch.

I can't help myself. I start busting out laughing, loud enough I'm sure for the Meijer employee to hear me, even as I'm inside the van with the doors closed and he's outside.

I'd LOVE to tell you all what I'm going to do to my brother-in-law's car the next time I see it in the Meijer parking lot, but again, he, too, reads this blog.

So in his honor, I can only think to end this post one way:

Well played, sir.

Well played indeed.

On Contentment

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey


Finally, after several days absence, I’m able to post again. Between this past Friday, which was crazy, and Monday which was even worse, I feel like my brain has been on overload.
Among the problems – er, challenges I’ve been dealing with recently, the following are included:

--A customer came in last week asking how to register a 50-year old wooden boat with no registration materials; how to register a 25-year old boat with an inboard motor purchased out of state with an improperly assigned title certificate; how to register a homemade aluminum boat with no registration certificate and no bill of sale; and how to register a new boat with no serial number imported from Asia…and he then came in later this week to register all of these at the same time...

--A customer brought in one of his employees who spoke little English and needed to renew his driver license. When I asked the employee for a Social Security number, he produced an obviously fraudulent card – something I hadn’t seen in several years. (When you apply for a license or state issued ID card, states now cross-check your Social Security number with the Federal government to verify the correct information is on file – to make it that much more difficult to create a false identity or steal another person’s identity.)

--A customer came in to title and register a vehicle he’d purchased from someone with an improperly assigned title – only to find out a different person had already scrapped out the vehicle. Because the title record was flagged as 'junk', the vehicle would have to be registered as assembled – requiring a physical inspection by a police officer, a new vin number to be assigned, a new vin tag to be ordered, etc. etc. etc. The type of transaction we process maybe once or twice a year...

--A customer has been in several times trying to obtain a state issued ID card; he has been continually arguing with me and my clerks about why he shouldn’t be required to bring in additional documentation from the list we provide, saying things like “look, I know my name, I don’t have to read it off a piece of paper to know who I am…”

--A customer was in to register a 150cc ‘scooter’ (name assigned to it on the out-of-state paperwork he provided) which, in our state, is a motorcycle; because it is a newer vehicle, we need a title to register it, or a surety bond is required. If you’ve never heard the term ‘surety bond’ before, consider yourself fortunate. Essentially, it’s an insurance bond drawn up by a local insurance agency to insure the owner for five years against someone else coming forward to claim ownership of the vehicle. It’s the kind of thing that we do once or twice a year – the paperwork is written up by hand, updated manually by our Department once everything is in order – and yet, this is perhaps the third or fourth one I’ve done in like a month…

--A customer bought a vehicle from a dealer who had already sold that vehicle in error (on paper, anyway) to another buyer, who got the wrong title and registration issued to him.

And on and on…

So by Monday afternoon, I was exhausted and drained, both physically and mentally. We got the office closed, and as I was walking out the door to go home, our janitor came up to the door.
Quick note to insert here: we’ve had the same janitor in my office for about three decades now, a local man in his seventies who is the nicest guy you’d ever hope to have clean your office. And he’s dependable, honest, hardworking. The company he works for recently lost the contract for our office, but soon after the new company signed on, I received a call from the owner of the new company asking if I knew anyone locally who might be interested in the position.
So of course I gave the owner the name of the janitor we’ve had for so long. And this past Friday, after we closed the office, I asked the janitor if he wanted to stay on and work for the new company. You would have thought I was giving him the keys to a new Ferrari with the way his face lit up, so to say he was appreciative is an understatement. So he’s thanking me for recommending him, and telling me how much he’s appreciated the opportunity, and how long he’s worked for us…

That was all on Friday.

So Monday evening, I close out the office and I’m exhausted and wanting so much just to be home and eat dinner and he comes to the door and tells me he has some paperwork for me – but that I probably don’t have time for that, I’m probably trying to get home. Which is just killing me, because I am tired, but after all, this guy has been loyal to us for so long, it’s the least I can do to sign a couple pieces of paperwork for him, right? I’m assuming the new owner needs me to sign a couple of forms for his application or something, in order to complete the new contract.
But actually, NONE of this was correct. Rather, while he was talking to me on Friday, at some point, he apparently felt like he was bragging himself up. I’m not exactly sure why he thought this – maybe it’s a generational kind of thing, maybe he felt like he’d tried to make himself look better than he should have. So after I tell him that, no, I’ve got time to look at the paperwork, he goes back to his car and gets a manila folder and follows me in to my office.

And when we get inside, he hands the folder to me and I lay it on the counter and open it up. It’s got like fifty pieces of paper in it – no exaggeration – and here is what I see: a letter of commendation from time he spent in the Air Force (he retired in the seventies); a letter of recommendation on what a great employee he’d been during the time he worked for a local food retailer; multiple references from individuals who live in the community; letters of thanks for the time he spent helping local charities; and on, and on, and on….

I was completely overwhelmed. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, not that I thought any of it was inaccurate, but rather that he cared so much about his own reputation that he wanted to make sure that I understood he didn’t want me to think he was saying things about himself that weren’t true.

Which all put into perspective several things for me:

I need to be happy – content – with what I have, with the life I get to experience, with the job I have. He’s this thrilled, after all, to have a part time job as our janitor.
I should be so mindful as to care about my own reputation in the way that he does. He is the sort of person that, if he doesn’t show up one evening, is always careful to come in the next day to explain why he couldn’t be at work – that he had an emergency, had to help a family member, etc.

Little things are noticed. When we had the opportunity to keep him as our janitor, I jumped at the chance to get him hired back. Governments are notorious for hiring the worst of the worst when it comes to getting this kind of help (more on this in another post, perhaps). And I was eager to get him back not because of any one great thing he’s done, but because when you look at the expanse of little things he’s done in the time he’s been at my office, they add up to lot.

And I guess I write all this to say the experience I had in talking to him made me stop and think very consciously about what I find important, what I should find important, and how it stands up against what he values…

I should hope for this contentment in the position I have in life.

Hmm...

So what to write about next?

There’s Ethan’s birthday celebration at my parents’ house – and the awesome gift of the rocket set that my brother got him, and how we shot the first one up to over 900 feet, and that wasn’t enough, so after lunch, we put together the second one and shot that up over 1000 feet. The first time we shot the bigger one up, we nearly lost the rocket – we’d made the mistake of standing directly underneath it and as it ascended we were all standing in the same place looking directly into the sun to try to track it. It ended up going in the complete opposite direction of where we’d thought it was heading, but fortunately at that point the wind hadn’t picked up so it didn’t go too far. But then, of course, one time wasn’t enough, and so we shot it up a second time only this time, the wind had picked up just a little bit, not much really, but by the time it had gotten to the top of its flight path and the second stage of the rocket popped -- shooting the little plastic parachute out of it -- the rocket stayed in the air for another three minutes and ended up over a quarter of a mile away in a tree.

But it was awesome!!!

Or maybe I should write about Sam the Magic Man’s magic show at the party we had at our house for Ethan’s birthday. The first trick Sam pulls out of his travelling suitcase is a device that a volunteer sticks a finger into – a little blade is pushed down, and it looks like the participant is going to get a finger chopped right off, but of course, that’s the trick – the little blade appears to go right through your finger! Sam made the mistake of choosing Ethan as a 'volunteer', and seeing the look of dread on his face when Sam asked him to put his finger into the device, we weren’t sure Ethan was going to hold it together long enough to finish the trick.

But he did – and still has all ten fingers on his hands…

Or maybe I should write about all the hilarious words I keep hearing people come up with at work. People don’t ‘specifically’ speak the ‘Arabic’ language in this town, they ‘pacifically’ speak ‘Arabetic’. (Is their collection of letters the Arabet? Hmm…) We don’t check people’s ‘peripheral’ vision for driver license renewals – instead it’s ‘periphial.’ One of the court documents required for certain transactions isn’t just a notice of ‘adjudication’, it’s any of a variety of other names people have invented. (“Ad-Jude-uh-cay-shun, people, say it with me – no, not like that, say it again. Again. Oh, never mind, I’ll just write it down on this sticky note which you’ll end up losing anyway…)

(Sigh...)

I need more posts about life with our two year old. Since she was old enough to walk, she’s been in a phase of wanting to get two containers and pour liquids back and forth between them like a scientist with two beakers in a lab. She’s often at the table with two glasses of water. Or milk. Or juice. Just pouring back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, each time spilling a little more of whatever she has onto the table. And the floor, and herself, and the chair she’s sitting in. She’s also done this with entire bottles of baby shampoo and shower gel. Oh, and foaming hand soap -- which, we can tell you from experience takes a lllooonnnnggg time to get out of the carpet – but on the up side, it gives your house that ‘extra fresh’ smell that shows people you really care about personal hygiene.

But naaahhh…

You probably wouldn’t want to read about all of that…

Practicing Embedding Audio...but if you're reading, enjoy...

Habitual Tardiness...

Alternative Medicine...

Motivational Advice...

Physics, According to Homer...

A Beautiful Word...

Jurassic Homer...

A Reading: II Festivities 3:11-23

11 And they spake unto the children in earnest, for both to hear, giving the commands as the man and woman knew them to be true: 12 "Thou whilst clean thy room, yea, verily, to utmost cleanliness; thou whilst put away the soiled garments, even the wrinkled and the unclean, those which do lieth upon the floor, 13 and lay them in the place prepared for them; and the playthings and the books, both those of covers soft and hard, thou whilst stack neatly upon the shelves.
14 And the children cried aloud, for they did suffer at this. "Woe to us, for now we are being delivered into bondage, yeah even so, we are not fit for this task placed upon us." 15 But the man and woman again did abide in their commands. 16 "Thou knowest in thine hearts, o children, that we do speak the truth; that thou hast cleaned thy room thrice before already." 17But still, the children did not refrain. 18"Tell us, elders, how this feat will be ended, for we are sore tired in our very marrow. Whilst thou not show us mercy?" 19 But the elders would hear no claim against them, and replied, saying, "As thou standest here, thou whilst complete this task of cleaning which we have laid before you; else will we deny the Easter goods, yea, verily we say, the chocolates, which some call Snickers, and the Peeps, and the jelly beans, yea every one. 20 And the young ones were sore afraid, for they did love their sweets. 21They replied unto them, "pray, tell us elders, how can we bring to an end this punishment? What wouldst thou have us do? For we tremble as the Easter grass blown by the wind to believe thou wouldst withhold the sugary treats. 22 And they replied, "then thou whilst surely work and will not protest, nay, neither whilst thou cry your lamentation, for thou hast been given all these things; thine clothes, food, even the bed where thou dost lay thine heads. 23 Then the children were sober, and their anger cooled as the spring rain cooleth the ground; and they did clean.

Mark Fidrych, 1954 - 2009

In the early 1970’s, my grandfather retired from General Motors and my grandparents bought a mobile home in Lakeland, Florida and began spending their winters there.

To say times were different then would be a gross understatement, of course, but let me add this one thing. During spring training, major league ball clubs would bring their players in to southern and southwestern stadiums, much as they do now, but with one major change: you could show up in the parking lot outside the stadiums and wait for players to arrive first thing in the morning – and actually get them to sign autographs.

You could still do this now, I suppose, but I don’t think things would quite be the same. When you begin paying people seven and eight figure salaries, they begin to feel and act differently. Not intentionally, necessarily, but still. However, in the ‘70’s, while professional baseball players did make good money, many of the lesser known players – even some starters – didn’t quite make the shoot-the-moon salaries we see today. So if you were a fan, you could actually watch players arrive at spring training, driving pickup trucks and even riding in on bicycles, unshaven and half awake at 7:00 am, before they’d even showered.

So the first winter my grandparents spent in Lakeland, Florida – where the Detroit Tigers hold spring training -- my father bought a baseball and went down first thing in the morning and got the autograph of every single Detroit Tiger player he could find. If you’re a Tigers fan who remembers the great “Bless You Boys” Season of 1984, you’d recognize many names on it – “Sweet Lou” Whitaker, Lance Parrish, Alan Trammell…

And Mark Fydrich.

Fydrich passed away this week at his home in Massachusetts, in an accident on his farm. Rather than trying to sum up anything about him, I found a great article online through CNN.Com, from a sportswriter working for Sports Illustrated Online that really summed up the brief magic Fydrich brought with him onto the baseball scene – and emphasized the tragedy of how quickly his career came and went, especially when you consider how he really came out of nowhere and was transported to national fame in a matter of months.

At a time when the baseball community is beginning to settle down a little from the initial shock of yet another series of steroid scandals, and maybe beginning to try to come to grips with how to handle all the problems Major League baseball has created for itself and its fans, it’s nice to remember a time when all these problems weren’t around, when baseball was more of a game and less of an industry, and when baseball fans were seen as just that – fans, and not consumers.

Here are excerpts from the article:

“It's impossible to look back at Fydrich's remarkable 1976 -- knowing what we know now about pitch counts and such things -- and not cringe at the way manager Ralph Houk abused him. Of course, nobody was counting pitches in 1976, but even so it's hard to believe a manager would allow a rookie to throw five extra-inning games. Five! Or how about this stretch: From July 29th to August 29th, The Bird threw a nine-inning game, a seven-inning game, a nine-inning game, another nine-inning game, another nine-inning game, a 10-inning game, a nine-inning game and an 11 1/3 inning game -- each one on three-days rest. Imagine that: Fydrich threw 73 1/3 innings and seven complete games in a month.

To give you a comparison, K-Rod threw 68 1/3 innings all last year…

Everyone knows how it ended for Fidrych. He hurt his leg, then his shoulder, and though he did pitch well at times, he never quite felt right again. He only started 27 games in the big leagues after his rookie season. He tried to hang on, and at times toward the end it was sad to watch. I remember the game he started in Cleveland in 1980, when he was 26 years old, going on 40. He pitched to two Indians batters. Miguel Dilone singled and stole second. The Bird hit Dell Alston with a pitch. And The Bird was taken out of the game.

Two weeks later, in front of 12,000 or so in Toronto, The Bird pitched his final game. In the fifth inning he gave up a three-run homer to Ernie Whitt. Then he got Lloyd Moseby to ground back to him. And the career was over.

In many ways, time has reduced Fidrych to one of the 1970s fads -- like Evel Knievel, bell-bottom jeans, disco and the guy who said "You doesn't have to call me Johnson." But Fidrych was more than that. He was what's possible. He was an overgrown kid living his dream. He was magical. Monday was a sad, sad day in baseball. First we heard that Harry Kalas, the Philadelphia Phillies announcer with the voice that sounded like it should crack the clouds, died.

And then we heard that Mark Fidrych was found on his Massachusetts farm, dead at 54. There are a lot of things to remember, but I mostly recall watching him kneel on the pitchers' mound and smooth out the rough Cleveland dirt that day when I was a kid. All these people around us laughed and pointed and yelled insults. The Bird did not seem to mind at all. He just kept on working the dirt. He knew the score. He was exactly where every 9-year-old boy in America wanted to be.”

– Joe Posnanski, “Inside Baseball”, an online article from SI.Com

The Top...

...13 Cheers, but mostly Jeers (and Laughs) from YouTube.

I know, I have WAY too much free time if I'm doing stuff like this, but anyway, it's intriguing what people will put on the Internet, isn't it???

1--From the "I Actually Wasn't Joking" File:
How to Make an Ocarina From a Carrot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsboQ7cp7a4
2--Perhaps the Worst Idea I've Seen So Far (botulism, anyone?):
How to Make Your Own Cheese
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBPYopcoeqs
3--Most Intriguing, and I'm Not Quite Sure Why: How to Write Like an Architect
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ky5p-L_m6BQ
4--From the True Believers File: I Have No Idea What This Is;
Alternate title: "They Drank The Kool-Aid" (I think this is supposed to inspire me, but to do what, exactly???)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwBA4rjKZqw
5--Award for Most Dedicated Nerd of 2009:
How to Play World of Warcraft on your Ipod
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRiK0UltlYU
6--Who ARE these people??? How to cuddle???
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0a6vS-V_5r4
7--How to Cheat On Any Test; Or, An 11-year-old's Guide

to Surviving 4th grade for the 3rd time...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZg_G8djiHY
8--From the 'Worst Roommate of All Time' File: How to prank your roommate...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IycOULjUGg
9-- Because of the continuing outcry from a public yearning to emulate their favorite heroin addict..."How to Make an Amy Winehouse Look-alike";
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVoxsRmZrC8
10--From the File "Way Too Much Time On My Hands":
How to Pluck Your Eyebrows with a Piece of Thread
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVmbHB2p4WM
11--You know she's going to feel like an idiot when her friends bring this up in twenty years: How to Brush Your Teeth
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACgPHDzTHaU
12--1946 called, and wants its household hint back: How to Darn a Sock
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nY1jTVyBE0
13--Is This Really Worth Your Time? Seriously? How to Seal a Bag of Chips
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdhUifjOahs

On Taxes...

"Let me tell you how it will be; There's one for you, nineteen for me."
-- Tax Man from The Beatles Album "Revolver"


With April 15 looming just around the corner like a disgruntled auditor, I thought it appropriate (or apropos, if you prefer the $2 word, though I'm not paying taxes on it) to create an entry regarding taxes and tax publications.

The above lyrics were written by George Harrison, who at age 23 discovered how much he and the other Beatles band members were paying in taxes. (It's an interesting Wikipedia article if you're interested: http://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taxman ) Beatles members were in the top 95% of wage earners in England, and at some point, Harrison realized that when you added together not just employment tax -- currently 40% in England for the highest wage earners -- but also sales tax and other taxes paid, he was paying the majority of his income to the government.

The average American doesn't pay quite that much in taxes yet, but one of the most interesting figures released each year is the calculated date Americans have to work until, in order to 'break even.' That is to say, when you add up income taxes, property taxes, gasoline tax, sales tax, use tax, cigarette tax, luxury taxes, and so on, it's the date beyond which the money you get to keep is actually yours as opposed to what federal, state and local governments take from you. Currently that date, last I heard, was some time in May...

Anyway, regarding all this, what would we do without the IRS? Well, probably buy a lot less stuff on credit, that's for sure, but also we wouldn't get all the great advice available through their website www.irs.gov. Currently, they're up to around 850 publications -- TONS of great information like this:

According to Publication 225, the "Farmer's Tax Guide" you're given several reminders -- things like allowable mileage rate deductions and when you have to file certain 1099 forms. But also, the IRS wants to inform you to "set up your record keeping system using an accounting method that clearly shows your income for the tax year." I guess Oliver North's experience could speak to the importance of having your documents readily available for easy shredding, should the need arise...

The publication also explains to farmers the definition of what a plant is, as if they didn't know, and even what a farm is. And get this -- Chart 6-1 on page 31 shows a list of 'Plants with a Preproductive Period of More Than 2 Years'. (If you were planning on farming as an occupation, I've gotta think you already know this stuff, right? Isn't this covered at some point in 4-H???) Things like walnuts, pears, and cherries are listed, is if farmers weren't aware it takes at least 2 years for a pear seedling to grow large enough to bear fruit. But anyway, what I'm not sure about is why this matters -- and what would the IRS do if for some reason a plant became 'productive' in a year it wasn't supposed to? Would another publication be necessary?

Things that make you go hmmm...

And one of my personal favorites among those listed: Pub. 529 titled "Miscellaneous Deductions" suggests, and I'm not making this up, that you may want to keep your Keno receipts, as proof of gambling losses should you decide to write them off. If you play the slot machines, it advises keeping "A record of the machine number and all winnings by date and time the machine was played." (Who is keeping this journal, anyway? Las Vegas, October 11th, 2:36 p.m. played machine 4, put $5 on black, lost; 2:41 p.m. played machine 4 a 2nd time, won $6.)

And then in the same publication, 2 pages letter, it explains you can't deduct health spa expenses, "even if there is a job requirement to stay in excellent physical condition, such as might be required of a law enforcement officer." Word for word, that's what's in there. So, Gambling addiction = acceptable write-off; Staying physically fit, even if required by my job = no write-off; got it...

Is it any wonder Americans are overweight and overstressed???

One last laugh from this publication: "You generally cannot deduct amounts paid or incurred for lobbying expenses." It goes on to explain you can't list deductions incurred in attempting to influence legislation being passed (or, I suppose, not passed); you can't write off expenses incurred while attempting to influence the public vote in election matters; or while communicating with executive branch officials.

But then this exception: "You can deduct certain lobbying expenses if they are ordinary and necessary expenses of carrying on your trade or business."

Like the business of, say, LOBBYING...

So if you're going to lobby your congressman, just remember:

Lobbying is for professionals only. It isn't something to play around with.

And for crying out loud, how many times do I have to remind you:

GET A RECEIPT!!!

A Sort of Quiz

Something to kill three minutes of your day -- a quick quiz on classic television police dramas. Can you name the show featuring the following characters?

1. Det. Stanley "Wojo" Wojciehowicz
2. Francis (Frank) Llewelyn Poncherello
3. Bill Gannon (Hint: His partner was the more famous of the two detectives)
4. Chief Fletcher P. Daniels; Det. Sal Benedetto; Sergeant Philip Freemason Esterhaus
5. Carroll O'Connor as Bill Gillespie
6. Telly Savalas as Lietuenant Theo
7. "Rico" Tubbs
8. Andy Sipowicz
9. William Shatner as Sergeant Thomas Jefferson
10. Thomas Hanson Jr. (hint: actor is now an A-list movie star; also, the show was on Fox)

The Answers:




1) Barney Miller
2) CHiPs (Erik Estrada was "Ponch")
3) Dragnet (Partner: Joe Friday)
4) Hill Street Blues
5) In the Heat of the Night
6) Kojak
7) Miami Vice
8) NYPD Blue
9) T.J. Hooker
10) 21 Jump Street

Score: Rank Yourself!!!

10 Correct: YOU GOT 10 CORRECT!
6 to 9 Correct: YOU GOT 6 TO 9 CORRECT!
3 to 5 Correct: YOU GOT 3 TO 5 CORRECT!
2 or Less: UnlimitedLicense and its producers make no guarantee, expressed or implied, as to the accuracy of the information in this publication; information is for entertainment purposes ONLY; void where prohibited by law; see store for details; no animals were harmed during the making of this blog entry...

WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!

This particular post NOT meant for immature viewers -- oh, no, wait, it IS meant for ONLY immature viewers...


"Holy Crap, Batman!: Assessing the International Dynamic Challenges of Canine Fecal Production, Analyzing Available Handling and Disposal Methods, and the Future of 'Green' Technology for Canine Waste In a 21st Century/Postmodern World";

Or, "Why I Think Watching Dogs Pooping Is Hilarious"

Okay, honestly, I don't know where this post is going exactly, but here we are. Gosh golly, I'm so thankful for the Internet where I can come up with completely useless, but hopefully awfully entertaining material like this...but hey, you've actually read this far, right?

So it really has struck me as hilarious for a long time that dogs actually have to go through the above postures to, um, 'do their business,' so to speak, and I think the reason it strikes me as so gosh darn hilarious is: a) they get to assume this position out in the open for all the World -- including other dogs -- to see (I often wonder, do animals ever feel embarrassed by anything? Is that in their DNA, or is it a wholly human sensation?) and b) so many people are absolutely TERRIFIED of dogs, that it strikes me as funny to think of these 'vicious' animals with fangs and claws stuck in this bizarre pose. And let me say, I know they really are stuck there in that position because I've actually watched our dog in the yard and tried to scare her by sneaking up on her when she's doin' her thang, just to see if I could get her to stop and run, but she really can't do anything but let Nature finish what it started, once she gets going...

If this all seems to indicate that I have a MUCH warped version of what humor consists of, you'd be absolutely correct -- and my wife completely agrees with you.

It's also interesting to note how many countries outside the U.S. really are in a 'bind' so to speak (pun COMPLETELY intended) when it comes to figuring out how to deal with the problem of animal ownership as human population continues to increase dramatically, especially in major cities. Europe most notably has begun to tackle the problem head-on as municipalities have passed legislation making dog owners responsible for disposing of animal feces...

Though I'm not sure exactly what these signs are trying to say...

This one seems pretty straightforward, except I'm not sure what the waves emanating from the fecal matter is meant to tell the viewer -- that it's okay to leave the feces if it DOESN'T stink? And wait, is that a picture of a dog, or a goat? It's a little difficult to tell...

And this one seems to be indicating that the fecal material of only CARTOON dogs need be picked up. Seriously, what dog actually looks like this? Doesn't that look like Disney's Goofy, if he was squatting on all fours without the signature hat???

And this one...how to read this??? No dogs that poop I-Pods???

OUCH!

And this one. 'Gracies' it says -- 'thanks'...for reaching down with your bare hands to scoop up your dog's turd...

Or this. It's a good sign, easy to read and all that, but if you look closely, you'll notice the dog feces have actually been digitally enhanced...'Photoshopped' into the picture. Um, is dog poop really that rare that they couldn't find the real thing? Or did they look at all the poo-poo brought in for the photo shoot, and they just couldn't find a good piece of dooky with that certain 'IT' factor? And then there's THIS product...we've actually come to the point in human history when we are so disgusted by the natural process of digestion that we can now buy an aerosol can that will let you temporarily freeze your animal's fecal material for the ten or fifteen minutes between the time you walk your dog, and the time you get home to place the waste in a garbage can. And we wonder why there's global warming...

So there you have it. An entire post about dog poo. But seriously -- are you laughing yet?

It’s time to take time out of our busy lives as Americans and pay tribute to the dozens of hardworking men and women of Nigeria who have worked so diligently over the past 25 years -- throughout Africa and Europe -- to scam hundreds of greedy, unsuspecting people out of millions and millions of dollars.

If you’ve not heard of the Nigerian 419 scam, it began in the early ‘80’s, according to what I’ve read on the Internet, as the Nigerian economy, heavily dependent on oil prices, began to decline. Several unemployed university students first started the scheme by targeting businessmen visiting Nigeria looking for risky opportunites and big rewards. The students eventually branched out to businessmen in the West, and eventually, by the 1990’s, to companies. Emails and faxes were sent out by the hundreds of thousands around the globe.

The number 419 refers to the Nigerian criminal code of conduct involving fraud. The scam worked something like what’s in this letter, the first of several that were sent to my office by fax (I’ve kept the layout as close as possible to the original letter, INCLUDING all the typos and bad English):

===============================================================

FROM:
Dr. Chukuma Okpara
DATE: 8th April 2001



Dear Sir,
URGENT BUSINESS PROPOSAL: STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL
I AM Dr Chukuma Okpara Director of procurement and contracts with Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) of the Federal Republic Of Nigeria.
Sometime ago, my corporation (NNPC) awarded a contract to Total Oil International, to service Turn Around Maintenance and rehabilitation work in Kaduna Refinery and Petrol-chemical Company (KRPC) plant in Nigeria. This contract was over-invoiced by us to the tune of US $75 Million (Seventy Five Million Dollars). Some officials and myself reached a compromise to transfer the fund into a foreign bank account that will accommodate this fund.
For providing the beneficiary’s account you will be entitled to 25% of the total sum, 70% for myself and partners, and 5% will be set aside to offset any expenses that may be incurred by either party during the transfer process.
To enable us put up claims, we would require the following information (1). Name to be used as beneficiary, telephone/fax number. (2). A written and signed letter of guarantee to confirm to us that the said fund is safe when transferred and our share will be given to us accordingly. After the successful completion of this deal, we intend to use part of our share to invest into your corporation or any business as may be advised by you.
Please contact my financial adviser Mr. Yaya Ahmed in London who will give you brief details of this transaction. His telephone number is + 44 772 0480 902 or his Netherlands no: + 31-612 309 149 and fax number is +44 870 135 2749. Be advised that confidentialty is required because we are civil servants and do not want any scandal.
Yours Faithfully
Signed
Dr Chukuma Okpara

===============================================================

Let’s see, $75 million, and I get to keep a whopping 25%!!! Sounds pretty good – oh, but wait, better offers were to be placed on the table:

===============================================================

(Received by fax12/30/01)
FROM THE DESK OF ENGRAKMED HARUNA
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA CONTRACTS REVIEW PANEL
FEDERAL SECRETARIAT COMPLEX (ANNEX)
LAGOS-NIGERIA
ENGR. AKMED HARUNA
TEL: 011 874 762 534 845
FAX: 011 874 762 534 846

Sir,
REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP.

First, I must solicit your strictest confidentiality in this transaction. This is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and ‘TOP SECRET’. You have been recommended by an associate who assured me in confidence of your ability and reliability to prosecute a transaction of great magnitude involving a pending business transaction requiring maximum confidence.
We are top officials of the Federal Government Contract Review Panel who are interested in importation of goods in to our country with funds which are presnetly trapped in Nigeria. In order to commence this business, we solicit your assistance to enable us transfer into your account the said trapped funds.

The source of this funds is as follows: During the immediate past military regime here in Nigeria, government officials set up companies and awarded themselves contracts which were grossly over invoiced in various ministries. The present democratic government set up a Contract Review Panel to look into these contracts as well as those awarded to contractors, for which payment has not been made. In the course of doing this, we identified a lot of inflated funds presently floating in the Central Bank of Nigeria and ready for payment. However, by virtue of our position as civil servants and member of this panel, we cannot acquire this money in our names. I have therefore been delegated as a matter of trust by my colleagues of the panel to look for an overseas partner into whose account we would transfer the sum of US$21,320,000.00 (Twenty One Million, Three Hundred and Twenty Thousand U.S. Dollars). Hence, we are writing you this letter.

We have agreed to share the money thus:
25% for the Account owner (you).
65% for us (The Officials).
10% to be set aside in settling all foreign expenses (by you) and local expenses (by us) incidental to the actualisation of this project.
As a token of our gratitude, as soon as you confirm the arrival of the funds in your Account, we shall arrange for you the equivalent of 500,000 barrels of Automotive Gasoline Oil (AGO), for spotlifting at a price less than the prevailing market value per barrel.

We wish to commence the importation business from our 65% share of the proceeds from the project. Please, note that this transaction is 100% safe, and we intend to effect the transfer within 10 banking days from the date of receipt of the following information via Facsimile on my Number: 011 874 762 634 846, your Bankers name, Company’s name and address, Account number and fax number.

The above information will enable us write letters of claim and job description respectively. This way, we will use your company’s name to apply for the payment and re-award the contract to your company. We are looking forward to doing this business with you and solicit your confidentiality in this transaction. Please acknowledge the receipt of this letter using the above Telephone and Fax number. I will bring you into the complete picture of this pending project when I hear from you.
Your faithfully,
ENGR. HARUNA
P.S.
My email address is as outlined; akmedharuna@totalise.co.uk

==============================================================

Holy Cow! This one also gives me 500,000 barrels of Gasoline Oil Uh, I’m not exactly sure what that is, or what I’d do with it, but hey, it’s Africa, right? And those people know oil -- plus I get the same 25% share, oh, but wait, it’s less money. Ooohhh, but it also says TOP SECRET right in the email, I like that, and check it out! I was recommended by a top associate! A truly astounding deal, here’s a guy who obviously has his act together, and apparently knows my friends. It sounded perfect until I received this:

===========================================================================

(Received by fax, 10-16-02)
ALBERT KUMALO, PH.D
JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH-ARICA
CONFIDENTIAL E-MAIL: -ALBERT KUMALO@EXECUTIVEMAIL.CO.ZA

DATE: -15/10/2002

DEAR SIR/MADAM
BUSINESS PROPOSAL :STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

I AM ALBERT KUMALO PH.D, CHIEF ACCOUNTANT TO THE CONTRACT AWARD AND MONITORING COMMITTEE (C.A.M.C) IN SOUTH AFRICA DEPARTMENT OF MINERAL RESOURCES AND ENERGY SOMETIMES IN 1998, A CONTRACT WAS AWARDED TO A CONGLOMERATE OF FOREIGN COMPANIES IN JAPAN BY MY COMMITTEE. THE CONTRACT WAS OVER-INVOICED TO THE TUNE OF UF$21,700,00.00
(TINTY ONE MILLION SEVEN HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY).

THIS WAS DONE DELIBERATELY; THE OVER-INVOICING WAS A DEAL BY MEMBERS OF MY COMMITTEE TO BENEFIT FROM THE PROJECT. I NOW DESIRE TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY, WHICH IS PRESENTLY IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT WITH THE SOUTH AFRICA DEPARTMENT OF MINERAL RESOURCES AND ENERGY INTO AN OVERSEAS ACCOUNT, WHICH I EXPECT YOU TO PROVIDE.

BENEFIT FOR PROVIDING THE ACCOUNT WHERE I SHALL REMIT THE MONEY, YOU WILL BE ENTITLED TO 30% OF THE MONEY. 65% WILL BE FOR ME AND MY PARTNERS, WHILE 5% HAS BEEN MAPPED OUT FROM THE TOTAL SUM TO COVER ANY EXPENSES THAT MIGHT BE INCURRED BY US DURING THE COURSE OF THIS TRANSACTION, BOTH LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL EXPENSES.

I WOULD REQUIRE THE FOLLOWING:
THE NAME AND ADDRESS OF YOUR BANK
YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER/SWIFT CODE
YOUR PRIVATE TEL/FAX NUMBER

THE ABOVE DOCUMENTS WILL BE USED TO MAKE FORMAL APPLICATION AS A MATTER OF PROCEDURE FOR THE RELEASE OF THE MONEY AND ONWARD TRANSFER TO YOUR ACCOUNT. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHETHER OR NOT YOUR COMPANY DOES PROJECT OF THIS NATURE DESCRIBED HERE, THE ASSUMPTION IS THAT YOU WON A MAJOR CONTRACT AND SUBCONTRACTED IT OUT TO OTHER COMPANIES, MORE OFTEN THAT NOT, BIG TRADING COMPANIES OR FIRMS OF RELATED FIELDS WIN MAJOR CONTRACTS AND SUBCONTRACTS TO MORE SPECIALISED FIRMS FOR EXECUTION OF SUCH CONTRACTS.

I HAVE STRONG CONNECTIONS AT THE CENTRAL BANK OF SOUTH AFRICA AND THE FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE AND I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT ALL THIS MONEY WILL BE RELEASED AND TRANSFERRED IF I GET THE NECESSARY FOREIGN PARTNERS TO ASSIST US IN THE DEAL. THEREFORE, WHEN THE BUSINESS IS SUCCESSFULLY CONCLUDED, I SHALL THROUGH OUR SAME CONNECTIONS WITHDRAW ALL DOCUMENTS USED FROM ALL THE CONCERNED GOVERNMENT
MINISTRIES FOR 100% SECURITY.

IF THIS PROPOSAL IS OF INTEREST TO YOU, THEN CONTACT ME THROUGH E-MAIL AT ALBERTKUMALO@EXECUTIVEMAIL.CO.ZA SO THAT I CAN SEND YOU THE CONTRACT APPLICATION FORM FOR YOU TO FILL AND RETURN TO ME BACK BY FAX
PLEASE CONFIRM THE RECEIPT OF THIS LETTER BY E-MAIL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
ALBERT KUMALO, PHD

=============================================================

Holy $*@%! This guy’s an accountant for the, what was it? Contract Award and Monitoring Committee? That even has an ACRONYM, for crying out loud! Sweet! Ooh – and it says strictly confidential, right at the top of the page! And he has connections at the Central Bank of South Africa. Holy crap, who is this guy, BONO??? And again a healthy cut of over $20 million!!! But even BETTER offers would follow (don’t settle for cheap imitations, after all – act now! Supplies are limited! Operators are standing by!!!)

==================================================================


(Received by fax 9-26-03)

FROM: MR MARK GREEN
EMAIL: MARKGR@MAIL15.COM
Efax: 1-206-202-0880
ATTN: CEO/PRESIDENT
I want you to patiently read this offer. I am Mr. Mark Green the Head of Delegation to the World Bank if West Africa. I am the linkman between the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries – OPEC and the petroleum sector in a West African country. I also attend OPEC meetings constantly in Geneva on the auspices of World Bank.
Through the sale of our allocated oil quota in OPEC, I was able to make S$22.2million, which is currently deposited in a Security and Finance company. I want you to assist me to claim this money as I cannot it directly because I am still a civil servant, and the code of conduct bureau forbids me to acquire such amount of money.
It is on this basis that I am contacting you for assistance. If you will be interested in claiming the funds on my behalf. Claim documents will be pricessed and sent to you. The documents with which the fund is deposited will be changed to reflect you as the new beneficiary so that you will be eligible to collect the fund on my behalf.
I will give you 20% of the fund for this assistance. I am aware of the international monitoring of all large-scale financial movements after the September 11th 2001 terrorist attack on America and to avoid any state of financial investigation I will provide a classified clearance paper from the relevant body which will exonerate the money from either drug, money laundered or terrorist related proceeds.
Kindly responds to me proposal through this my private email: markgr@mail15.com or Efax: 1-206-202-0880, the receipt of your mail or fax indicating interest. I want to assure you that there is no risk attached in this transaction. You should also provide me with your private telephone and fax numbers for easier communication.
Expecting your response.
Best regards,
MR. MARK GREEN

=================================================================

Now this I like – finally, a guy with an American-sounding name. Probably knows a lot more about finance than those other guys, and I’ll bet HE’S not a scammer like all the rest…and he’s a lot more sensitive, too, what with all the references to 9-11 and terrorism and so on…hmm…but then I got this one…

=================================================================

Tel: 44 704 011 6658; Fax: 44 207 060 0743
From: David Roberts Date: 16th December
2004
My name is David Roberts, Head of Private/Investment Banking Division of the Barclays Group, 48 Brook Str, Raunds, Northants, NN9 6LP, U.K. Our Private Banking client Hatem Kamil Abdul Fatah who was the deputy governor of Baghdad in Iraq and also business man made a numbered fixed deposit for 12 calendar months, with a value of (8,500,000.00) Eight Millions Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars only in my branch. Upon maturity, several notices were sent to him. Again after the fall of Saddam Hussein’s government, another notification was sent and still no response came from him. It was later discovered that the Governor had been assassinated in Baghdad. The websites below is a verification of the news about his death.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/1/hi/worl/middle east/3970619.stm
http://www.uslaboragainstwar.org/article/pho?id=6979
On my knowledge of his death, I immediately froze all transactions on this account pending when his next of kin would come forward or present evidence for necessary identification. Unfortunately, from my investigations and enquiries, he had no family members who were aware of the existence of the money and as such, I have decided to do business with you, by presenting you as the beneficiary of these funds. Obviously I would not want this money to go into the Bank Treasury because the banking law and guideline stipulates that if such funds remain unclaimed for a year, it will be regarded as unclaimed funds.
If this interests you, please reply through my private email: davidrobertsjnr@mail2world.com stating your telephone numbers for detailed discussions. You can call me on telephone: 44 704 011 6658.
Best regards,
David Roberts

===============================================================

Now HERE we go – actual internet links to news stories to add a little credibility (well, okay, so the links don’t actually WORK…but still.) And he’s head of a bank in the U.K, for crying out loud. And $8.5 million seems a lot more plausible than what those OTHER guys were promising…

And on and on…this isn’t even all of the ones I received, but you get the idea.

So reader, I’m looking for any donations you’d care to send – whatever you could spare – just a few pennies a day would mean SO much to SO many of us bloggers out there who could really use your help…YOU could change a life, just by sending a check in the mail.

Won’t you call today?