That questioned has been asked over and over and over. I just Googled "why do people leave the church". The answers are all over the place...stuff about how church productions don't seem sincere, the church isn't adjusting to the times (holding onto the same language they've used for a hundred years that people don't understand), and of course, a number of studies have mentioned people indicated they wanted "something different" such as different musical styles or different preaching.
All of these are relevant and true. However, consider this. None of these things have changed, right? Churches tend to stay pretty much the same year after year, right? While things like musical style change (as new worship leaders choose new songs written by recent musicians), usually as a family leaves one church for another, it isn't -- in my experience -- because of something as shallow as music.
I say this because having attended the same church for around 12 years, I've seen a number of families who had attended for years (like my family) decide it was time to pack up and move on. And not one of those people said anything about the music or the lighting or the sermons.
So what gives? Christian publications I think would say that churches are struggling to stay relevant to the culture. At the same time that some within the congregation are saying they wished they could just get back to the way things were 40 or 50 years ago, when preachers "preached from the Word", others within the same church aren't experiencing an organization they want to be a part of. They're seeing the desperate looks on the faces of their fellow churchgoers -- people on staff and on the governing board -- and perhaps what's being mirrored back is the kiss of death for churches in the 21st centure: lack of authenticity.
What's fascinating to me, though, is to consider what this means to the average person. While some people might say something like "they just didn't SEEM authentic" - without ever being able to express in words what that meant -- others know exactly they're seeing -- or not seeing.
They want relationships. Real, meaningful relationships with people who are willing to share and invest and endure all sort of dysfunction in an attempt to build community -- and they aren't finding it.
So this leads to the ultimate question. If you grabbed 100 people from various churches - no, let's make it 10,000 -- and you asked those who have experienced these exact things -- a longing to experience relationship when their church ain't cutting it, when they're seeing a lack of authenticity in church leaders desperate to remain "relevant" - WHY DO THEY STAY?
I would like to survey them, and here's what I would ask:
- Have you ever considered under what circumstances you would finally decide to leave your church and attend services elsewhere? What are those circumstances?
- If you could change 3 things about your church with the wave of a magic wand, what would you change?
- Do you have any friends outside of your church (that don't attend elsewhere) that you WOULD NOT feel comfortable asking to attend? If so, is there something about your church that they would find awkward or uncomfortable?
- If you decide in the future to attend elsewhere, what does your current church have or do that you hope a future church would have? In essence...what's the BEST thing about your church?
- If you grew up in the Church, is the church you're currently attending like the one you attended growing up? How is it different?
2. Regarding what I would change, first, it would be how we do the offering. We make a production out of taken an offering, and I don't think "church" is meant to be this way. My favorite way that I've seen churches address this is to have boxes at the back of the sanctuary that people can deposit into on their way out (in addition to giving online). Very little was said in this church about the offering -- yet it's church with a yearly budget in the tens of millions of dollars.
3. Regarding friends outside of the church, I have many I wouldn't invite. There are too many things preached from the pulpit they would find offensive. For example, a couple weeks back our pastor prayed "that Planned Parenthood would be defunded." The problem I have with this isn't our church's stand on abortion, but rather, consider this...what does a statement like this mean to someone who's unemployed and who is receiving health care services from Planned Parenthood because it's the only organization she's been able to get help from? Or what about the single mom with a live-in boyfriend who gets free birth control from Planned Parenthood? How does a prayer like this seem to them???
4. This is a tough one. The times when we succeed I feel are all related to holding events that build community...yet we often do this no stated purpose for what those events are supposed to accomplish...so it's difficult to know if anything meaningful is being accomplished. Apart from anecdotes about how much people enjoyed special events, we tend not to take meaningful measurements...so if no goal is stated, is anything achieved?
Really, though, I'd give anything to feel like I attended a church with people that I could be authentic with. I'm much, much more liberal than virtually everyone else in my congregation; I often feel this in a palpable, tangible sense, and based on what's stated, based on people's expectations and values, I feel isolated. There are a very limited number of people I could share this with.
5. The church I attended is much larger, but of the same denomination. What's fascinating to me is that both were the 'large' church in their conference. Yet the one I grew up in averaged about 120 in attendance on Sunday morning; my current church probably averages 1300 to 1500 between 2 services.
Would other people give similar answers? I'd be interested to see - but I'm guessing many feel the same way...
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